I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
tiistaina, toukokuuta 11, 2004
...stupid...
just woke up...deleted a post that i'm very very sure i did NOT post...i can't remember a thing from this morning...for some reason the abangism is kicking up a storm...claims that i treated him like a stranger...like...look, i really, really, really, don't know what i did this morning...i don't even recall what the paper was like...i am NOT pretending...i do NOT recall anything about that post previously up...and i was NOT trying to play a fool or make anyone angry...if i have been saying that i don't know you the past couple of weeks...i'm bonkers ok?
shoot...i don't know how my paper went...this just sucks...so i don't know whether i wrote gibberish most of the paper or not...this just bitez...
i'm angry with this useless self of mine...still exams ongoing...and i have memory problems...i'm going to have to do something to make me think better...and to REMEMBER...to think that i actually forgot my abang this morning...how can one forget her ABANG??? i'm mad...i need a shrink...i need a doc...now...
stupidstupidstupidstupid me...my head feels so saturated...nothing can go into my head...i can't sort anything out in my head...and everything is a mess...
useless...useless...i can't remember what i did this morning...how can anyone forget what they did in the morning...at least during the OBS land expedition, i had some reason to...lack of water, and food, and rest...but now? i had my breakfast, ok, i might not have slept 8 hrs, and water was enough...but still there is NO good reason to forget...this is just STUPID...
just prved how useless i can be...stupidstupidstupid me...
i'm so pissed...wish to go bad...at least my plan's in action...only one will know...only one will try...but that one cannot succeed...bcos it is entirely out of anyone else's hands...its not possible for other ppl to interfere this time...no stop this and stop that...bcos technically, i worked round all the things i'm NOT supposed to do...and doing all the things that i can do...so i am right this time...thank gdness...foolproof plan in action...
still very very very angry...wish to...but can't...being true to adikology...
stupid darkness...stupid everything...stroms subsided again...wondering abt later...heard whispers abt the aftermath last night...was great loss...very very great...and made me very angry...wished to cry...in fact, i did cry...stupidstupidstupidstupid...i'm bleeding my memories again...maybe thats why i have memory loss...this just bitez...
aren'tyoutiredofeverything?
5/11/2004 11:44:00 ap.