I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
sunnuntai, toukokuuta 09, 2004
...pissed...
i'm so freaking pissed...stressed out...spent some time crying...eh abang, thank you ar...but didn't stop my tears...i'm just sooo irritated...and frustrated...i can barely get anything into my head...been trying to sleep properly, but i'm plagued by weird dreams which makes my sleep un-sound...then there was that conversation...i don't know how...argh...feeling "funny" now...very very funny...am on the brink...if not for that promise...that one promise...its so aggravating to be held back, bcos of something that you committed to...i committed to my kor and abang...not to my family...i feel like screaming vulgarities all day long...scream in their face abt how i feel...no...i can't, you know why...if i do, i'm disrespectful...if i cry i'm crazy...if i'm taking a study break, i'm not studying enough...stupid...just so stupid...just f*** them...i can't even cry in their presence, is that so...i can't close my freaking door to study...no, i have to keep it open...stupid...why? bcos they say so...yea right...if my sis slams the dor cos she can't take the noise...then its right...but if i say the slightest thing its wrong...oh wow...i baked a cake this morning and you know what? when my sis and me gave it to her, there was no reaction...but when my bro went out and bought her something, its a big deal...yea, he bought it...so what? i woke up at 6.30 on a Sun morning just to bake a cake...how fair is that? my effort is nothing, but my bro, who went out to buy something is suddenly the good one...oh wow what a surprise...and on top of that, the stupid row...i hate rows...
this darkness is killing me...i bleed but i can't see where i'm bleeding bcos i'm numb...so i lose blood...and as i lose blood, i keep losing my memory...my memories of how to smile...how to be happy...how to live peacefully...how to see the light...i think its not the darkness from outside anymore...its like blindness...its cold...very cold...its freezing...i don't feel anything but the cold...and once in a while when i do wake up, i feel the pain so bad, i just slip back into my darkness...the light outside is harsh and binds my eyes...i'm so used to seeing nothing but darkness...then when the light is there...i just close my eyes in response...
thinking differently from others...thats another thing...why is it that i think this way? issit bcos of the family i come frm? the way i was brought up? or is it just me? i dunno...all i know is that i know no one who thinks in the same manner...
stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid...
5/09/2004 01:00:00 ip.