I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
sunnuntai, toukokuuta 16, 2004
..out...
went out yesterday and today...not been online at all until now...i feel very heavy inside...like i'm dragging a weight arnd...seems my box inside has been filled to the brim...abangism...help, its going to burst...this time it'll burst badly, esp after it was broken so many times before...it can't be nailed together anymore...not this time...i dunno if you can help me...see how first...
gosh...took a bus frm yishun...39...brought memories flooding back...the last time i was there, i remember my box pretty much burst...and my heart was shattered...it was at night...i was tired...and suddenly, my glass ball cracked and was left lying at my feet...and the person didn't even know...it took so much to hold back my tears..for it was sally's and fadzly's special day...it took so much to keep myself from breaking down...i didn't want to spoil it for them...and when i went home...i broke down so bad...that person doesn't even know at this point in time how much it hurt then...when i think back, it still hurts...and this person is one who has seen the me under the mask...i think the person will nv know how much it hurt...and what was it that he/she said that hurt me...
so yea, that was one thing...went out on Sat also...what our family calls going "happening"...we did that...was fun while it lasted, distracted me awhile...but aftwards was so painful i can't even describe...it hurt so bad...and aft today...i find no way to be motivated to go on...
imperfections...fadzie once told me its the imperfections that make us the special ones...but she also said that no body is perfect...in that case, if everyone i imperfect...that means no one is special at all...just all the same...therefore, if i want to be special...truly special, i ought to be perfect...just proved my pt...to strive to be perfect...its the only way to be the best...i want to be the best...and i'm sure everyone knows by now what my definition of perfection is...i'd love to be perfect...but unfortunately, i made a promise not to be...
my heart's overflowing
tears, for bearing everyday of this torture
which goes by the name of life...
the monotony...
its getting to me..
making my head spin
everything passes by like a flash
but like going round in circles...
all in sight is the same as before
it grinds forevermore...
on and on, the circle of life
and i the prisoner
in this ring of fire...
i'm tied and gagged...
and set spinning by my tormentor
who wishes me to smile
as i scream in pain
to hold back my tears
as the blodd flows
the ropes cut into my skin
i lose memory slowly
like my heart was bleeding
drip, drip, drip
a pool beneath his feet
but he doesn't stop...
help me...
i wish to break free
from this circle of life
for i rather burn in the fires of hell
then continue moving in circles...
5/16/2004 01:11:00 ip.