I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
perjantaina, toukokuuta 21, 2004
...intense...
another tiring day of intense malay...i feel so very tired i just want to sleep for the rest of the day...but i can't, i have so much to bother about...also beinng bothered abt this thing lah...my head feels so heavy...so does my heart...and there is nothing i can do about it...
sigh...my dearest lonesome...i hope we get to talk soon...it feels like no one is here that really really bothers abt this besides you...it just hurts too much not to talk as much as we did before...i miss those times...when we could...but now, we are both tied down by our work...the big o's for both...sigh...we should meet sometime in june...and you know, just talk...nothing but talk...even i think abangism won't understand this times around...anyways, abangism is so busy...i can't afford to be a pain and bother ppl with my problems...esp not abangism who has so many other problems to settle...less advice and light frm him now...i guess that lonesome's warmth has to help compensate...
just now had an A encounter...outside...i was laughing and screaming same time bcos of the pain it caused my aching tummy...and then well, at that pt A walked past...scaryscary...it seems that A is hanging arnd there more and more...and i always happen to walk straight into him...this like erm...depends on the way i look at it really...according to my secret...its a good thing...but according to my heart, its a bad thing...i dunno which way to handle this situation...
results are out...been trying to block everything out...nothing works...then that conversation during our free period...i was like in the middle...and i just stood and walked off...felt like crying there and then...but i just sat aside...alone...thats how i feel nowadays...really lonely...the ppl who are beside me don't know abt me really...abangism seems like ignoring me...but then again, i know abangism is constantly busy so yea...lonesome is like busy as well, and can't contact me as often as others bcos we aren't in the same school...my kor, well, i understand he's going through alot, so i leave him be...eric, well...i can't really say much lah... i'm just there to listen as a friend, not really to confide in him...so that leaves...no one? and no one means, going back to the old method of bottling things up...just that this time, the bottle is so full that it bursts almost everytime something new comes my way...
tears...more tears...just talking abt school makes my head ache...thinking abt my problems makes me sad...i know i sorta ignored some ppl today...i'm sorry ya guys? if i don't wave or smile it means i'm really really so fed up and tired that i can't be bothered to hide it anymore...depressed...really depressed...
what does one do in this situation? when there is no one there...there is no one around for you...you feel heat, but heat without light (bcos i haven't talked properly to lonesome)...its like i'm not allowed to do anything that will help me...i have like limited time at the com...nothing at home interests me...stupid...no one at home comforts me, bcos i'm afraid to talk to anyone abt my problems...and the ppl who i can talk to openly are not free...so well...i just have noone i guess...
crying now as i sit here...have to finish up...this mom of mine...she gets on my nerves...i get on hers, i know...but she gets on mine so often, i wish i could blow my top...and the thing is, i can't...whereas she can...and thats what makes it really really unfair...we can't even have a fair argument...everything is "oh, i'm your mother, therefore you have to..."...so what...i don't care anymore...i wish i could scream my lungs out...tell you what i really feel abt you...but i can't...its painful to keep this pretence up at home...
then the worst thing happened today...i saw someone's testimonial for someone else...its apparent that i'm not supposed to be doing whatever i'm doing now...someone else told me that i don't do anything..did i ask for this stupid post? did i want it...no...so stop assuming that i'll try my hardest when in it...i can dedicate a certain amt of time...but i have studies to take care of...i can't always give my all for the council and then neglect my studies...no, i can't do the stupid job you want me to do...and yes, eugene should have been in this position...i hate everyday of it...and i hate your stupid nagging...i see no pt...everyone thinks i'm not doing my best in the position...so what...i don't have as much time now as you...i take more subjects, and also i am having my O level MT soon...do not distract me when i don't need it...and btw, i'm trying my best to juggle everything...this extra pressure is not something i need...
stupid...i just wish to give up on everything...but abangism...i have to keep moving...so that the deal is kept...i will try my best to strive on...but the pressure is really high right now...esp with all these xtra responsibilities...they are making me spin...
i think i better go do something...i need some distraction frm everything right now...at least for a short while...
5/21/2004 12:32:00 ip.