I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
keskiviikkona, toukokuuta 12, 2004
...helpless...
okay...i really freaked out during today's a math paper...cannot remember a single thing...all the formulae, gone...head empty...just picked up my pen and did what little i could remember, and tried to remember what i couldn't remember...i'm losing my memory...and i tried my best...you know what crap i got when i came home? i just said that i wouldn't do well and guess what? oh suddenly, i'm not trying hard enough...i have a bad attitude...i have no responsibility towards my parents...so i couldn't handle the paper...this year has been rough so far...its gonna get worse...and i now know that i have no support bcos 1. i don't have a tutor...2.i'm expected to get A1s, and i don't think its that achievable at this pt in time...3.i'm being accused yet again of not trying hard enough...its hard enough for me to breathe...stupid...i once indicated that i wanted to drop the subject...wasn't in my interest...so why am i continueing? bcos i want to, seeing that i did well last yr and am hoping that this is just bcos of the rough yr i've had so far...and also bcos my parents don't allow me to drop the subject...at this pt in time, i really, really feel like dropping it...really...admiring that person who didn't do a single question...i hope you manage to drop in peace...
my best nv good enough for anyone...its always, oh, you aren't trying hard enough...you need to work harder...its not as if i'm not trying...for gdness sake, i've never really studied for any of my exams in my life...not even PSLE...and this year, i'm actually studying...and they say i'm not trying hard enough...stupid...i wish to cry...
its getting darker now...really really dark...i don't care what i do...i've gievn up on life...i give up hope...its just sad, the world we live in...and i wish to no longer live in it...expectations...mr ang told me not to give myself pressure...how not to...the stupid ppl outside my glass ball are shouting...they expect to see the glass ball shine..do they not know, there is nothing luminous inside this ball? that i can't even see them, just hear their voices...them shouting, screaming...its too dark to even see myself...and their screams cut through my silence, disturbing my peace...sure you don't understand me...YOU NEVER WILL...give up trying to understand and just listen once in a while to the remarks i give...i'm trying to TELL YOU SOMETHING...you never LISTEN...how would you get it if you don't?
i'm stupid...happy? i've always been stupid...stupid ppl like me ought to be dead right? i'm a burden aren't i? i don't have responsibility...dont try to pretend...its obvious, you dote on them more than you do me...bcos to you, they are the ones who aren't being difficult...so you think i'm trying to be difficult? i try to rid you of the burden thats called me and you say i don't respect you...i try my best and you say that its not gd enough? whats good enough i ask you? for me to be dead? i can make that happen...anytime i want...i just chose not to bcos of a few ppl whom i trust...who tell me everything will be okay...i chose to trust them and not you...you know why...bcos i lost faith in you...i can't trust you with your words...broken promises...i remember every single one since when i first realised that you broke your promise...material things? so what? i get much less than my friends...face it, i do...being there...thats all you've been doing...been there to scold me, nag me, beat me, tell me i'm not good enough...praise me? never...be happy for me? never...i've been sarcastic loads this year...bcos of you...try figure out what i mean sometimes when i talk to you...it seems whatever i say goes in one ear and goes out the other...
i pray that tonight i die...maybe that will make your life less miserable, your load less...think abt it, one less mouth to feed...isn't that much easier for you to bear the rest of your life...i don't believe in your tears, i never believed that you truly loved me...i still don't...bcos if you loved me, you'd accept me for who i am...you don't even know who i am...and when i show you, you say i'm being difficult...therefore, you do not accept me...you think giving me material things and providing alone is considered loving? i don't think it is so...did you ever think that its difficult enough for me to act at school to keep ppl from worrying and the school from calling home? and do you know i have to act at home so that you don't make noise...
pain...i rather die bcos of physical pain that have to endure this torture day by day....i've been numb long enough...my hearts bled long enough...i refuse to bleed any longer...if you see me cold one day, not moving...you know which path i took...if i go to Hell...its me who will bear the consequences, not you...so shut up...its my choice...
i'm tired of everything...especially of you...
5/12/2004 01:35:00 ip.