marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
lauantaina, toukokuuta 08, 2004
...frustrated...
i feel frustrated...yup...aft studying at Mac's with the rest...i think SS has the same effect on me as with Ranjani...it makes me pissed...can't fathom, just memorize...at least Geog makes some sense...partly frustrated bcos saw that jerk Zaki...and also bcos went to the wrong place at wrong time...shan't elaborate...
my secrets out...and the wrong person got it...yes, mummy i planned to bake a cake and said some stuff to make you think that i took mama's day lightly...and since i also offered, i'm now doing one for master...siao, i got teased like crazy bcos i said i was there...and then since i nv lie to mummy, the stupid secret got out when she asked what the cake was for...stupid me...haiyoh, at least she knows i don't take things lightly...baking tml...how lovely...
i was stupidly waiting up last night for a reply bcos when i say something i keep my word...then i think how stupid, most prolly abang wont reply...so i logged off at arnd 12...really, blocked lotsa ppl when i was online...so those you didn't see me...you know why...been so pissed...dunno why also...
i feel like screaming my head off...i was laughing just now at Macs which was good...but aft that i bcame really fed up again...stupid stupid stupid me...
had a talk with Rahimi...soo long since we last talked...it was nice dearie...
you know...i dunno what to do with myself...whats the pt of improving when i have no purpose on this earth...stupid stupid stupid me...yes, i'm stupid...nothing goes into the head of mine...its like i can't even write anymore...not the way i used to...feels like i'm saturated...that nothing can go in anymore...and that everything is in such a mess that i can't sort anything out...
differences...been on my mind this whole week...it seems that the diff ones, no matter how diff can be friends...and few of hte normal ones can...its like i'm isolated..too diff that even the diff ones don't understand me...as if i was in a glass ball...and all i can do is look out...but those who look in, can only see me in a distorted manner...i don't look how i would really look like if you see me in the glass ball itself...and the worse thing is...when someone manages to peer through, the sight disgusts them...scares them...confusion...no on knows how to handle what they've seen...worse than a freak show, where ppl actually wish to see how much of a freak you are, and pay money to do so...in my case, ppl don't even want to see me...i've been askde to change...yea, i am trying to...but still the glass ball remains...and so i look distorted...
eyes nv lie...ppl see that...i can't change my eyes...unless i dig them out...take them out with my hands...i'll go blind...then it'll be worse...for no one can see in properly...and i can't see out at all...everything seems so crystal clear to them...bcos they don't assume that the glass is distorting my image...but it is...
i see darkness...i think i'm semi blind already...bcos i see darkness half the time...forgetting myself and laughing feels good while it lasts...but when the laughter subsides...the darkness is there...then i realise...i've been in the darkness so long...even when i was laughing...i wonder it it was hysterical like normal...or whether i managed to laugh normally for once...i truly dunno...i smile...its fake...some ppl know it...others don't...but they said i look better when i smile...i used to say the smile is the window to see whether your heart is at home...i change it now...it only applies when one smiles with ones eyes...my eyes are sad...i know that...they drown in tears when i'm alone...just like my heart drowns in tears...why do i cry one might ask...how can i not cry when i feel bad...when my heart is bleeding and i can't stop it from doing so? how can i not cry when i'm hurt time and time again, without being given any time to heal? i feel numb half of the time...so numb, i dunno if any more pain is being inflicted anymore...i only discover the wounds...and then find that i've lost more...and that hurt i feel so strongly, that i can't help but cry...
i can't find myself...the dark is so bad i put my hand infront of me and then wonder how it looks like now...i could be standing just next to the thing i fear most, and i would not see it...and only feel its presence...its scary...scary to live my life...so uncertaint that it hurts, bcos i'm not perfect..so dark, that i'm afraid that if i tel anyone, i'll pull that person into the darkness with me...and we'll be lost from each other...so much that not only i am lost, but he is lost, bcos he can't see me...or himself...and that means i hurt him, bcos he will be miserable...abang, i hope this ans your questions...i just wish not to hurt you or worry you...if i have to pull through, and do it alone, without hurtin you...taking the full blow...so be it...as long as i don't lose you bcos i hurt you...i'm afraid to take that risk...and admire that you so bravely turned to me and asked me to share...even though it could mean that you'd be hurting with me...it might be more than i am hurting, for all i know...i'm not as brave...i'm a coward...i'm sorry...
i'm brooding right now...over so many things said and so many things done...and wonder what made me fall into this darkness...silence, i don't mind...there's something musical abt it...and anything musical is comforting...but darkness...how will i take it any longer?
5/08/2004 12:31:00 ip.