I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
lauantaina, toukokuuta 01, 2004
...fed.up.idontknowhowtolove...
that stupid row has been going on too long...irritation...ya...argue and don't give a damn abt how the three of us feel...treat us as if we can't do anything...so what if we can't itsup to you as adults...but no...you still wan't to drag this -bleep- row on and on...you want to work it out or not...of you claim that you want to...but are you doing anything to make sure that this is over...no...you claim the other should make the first move...heck this...i'm so irritated that they leave us stuck in the middle...and then expect us to relay messages to one another bcos you aren't speaking to one another...this is absolutely ridiculous...
no...i don't know how to love the little things in life...i don't know how to love life...thats true...not bcos i didn't in the first place...its bcos i lost my love for it...forget loving the small stuff...they are just a distraction...from reality...in the end, you stil have to face reality...and turn away from your imaginings and dreams...thre's no point in having the small things in life...
jake: whoever you are...i appreciate your advice...i don't know if i know you or if i don't...and if you wish not to reveal your true identity, i don't mind...indeed, reading this blog is a sad experience...bcos life is a sad experience in itself...like it or not it is...so many tragedies occur in life...so many hardships...everything you have to face has something bitter in it...bcos you can never have it all...in my case...it seems the bad perpetually outweighs whatever good there is...
loving...i found what i love...my friends...and no...i will never be a burden again...esp since i've been saying that so many times beforehand...warned and warned...and then when i did allow myself to rest my heavy head on your shoulder...you found the weight too much to bear...don't blame me now if i keep things from anyone...bcos i remember the times when i was so sad, yet kept everything inside...it prevented ppl from getting hurt...it prevented my friends from gettnig hurt...and the only person i has hurt was me...i can't bear anymore to allow myself to be a burden and hurt others anymore...bcos it caused more hurt to me...even when i was already hurting...enough of this tell me and pour out your vows...there is no point in hurting you further...and in the process, hurting myself even more...i'm sorry...i do this bcos i love you...as a friend...
what happened to all the times we had...when i kept quiet and let you be happy...and though i was crying inside, i could still smile for you...for you were happy...and it made me love your smiling face even more...
5/01/2004 02:03:00 ap.