I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
torstaina, toukokuuta 13, 2004
...argh...
am angry...very angry...with me, myself and i...feeling really down again...and i mean really, really down...as if i could cry every second if i could...but know the place i stay in and the school's stupid policy of calling home to tell the parents that their child cried in sch...erm, i just can't though i feel like crying so bad...don't want to go for sessions...it took so much out of me to tell him that i didn't want to go...and thats day, he said i have to go aft the exams...stupid...i don't see a pt for sessions when one just keeps quiet or gives vague ans as if she doesn't know what the question was...i do that on purpose mind you, knowing the risks involved in telling any person who is from the sch abt anything...ET not included...
today saw uncle...hehe, he got paper ah, go home so early one...noticed today he gave a weird smile...made me jump...a shy half smile that played abt his lips...one he's nv given me before...erm...i really dunno what to think abt it...i just think its really funny that we call each other uncle and auntie...really really dunno what to say...
today someone made my day...hehe...abangism...for some strange reason called me mei mei...i got so surprised that i laughed...thank you abang! i think you also dunno that i did...but hey, you made me laugh genuinely...i've not done that since kor made me laugh a month ago...
unfortunately, still angry with myself even aft laughing...i'm stupid...thats my problem...stupidity...i know, i know...shh...i told you i jack your pic...wait i send to 1.5 then you know...i'm stupid...get me? and i wont' shh abt it either...i'm speaking facts...dare to dream? yea right...dreams are only attainable in utopia...and we don't live in utopia...and you know what? nothing will ever be perfect...so whats the pt of dreaming of perfection, when one knows one wont get it...
i thought you knew the sound of my heart beating...but i now know...its hardly audible to you...its muffled...you can't hear me...drowned by the sound all around...do you hear my pitiful screams? those of purest pain...you've forgotten...the promise i made you...but your words..are etched in my memory...locked in my heart...and make each day more painful...
its my fault that i hurt...that i bleed...my heart lies before me
in a million and one pieces...i can't pick them up, for they cut my hands...and hurt me even more...it shattered like crystal, bcos i chose to let you be happy...to let you be ignorant of the challenges i face...and now when i choose to show them to you...you turn away, and wish not to see them...even aft you said you would...when you said you never wanted to see me cry, did it mean you would walk away when i was drowning in tears? emotions so overwhelming...they make me do the craziest things...but i try to control myself...for you only...how could you forget? how could you break that promise you made me?
with you in the cold huddling with me, it was bearable...now that you have found a home and some warmth...you shun me...refuse to take my freezing hands and pull me next to you to warm me...to put my heart in your hands, and warm it slowly...that i might be healed again...you refuse to...i bear no grudges...and am happy you found your happiness...but have you forgotten...that you promised to teach me to be happy? that you promised to be there, even when it made you miserable? did you...or do you choose to ignore that memory?
next to me, you are so far away...for the glass wall still blocks your vision...have your happiness then...i still keep my word, and will stay outside, waiting...should you be cast out into the cold again...i will be there, to huddle with you again...but the glass will get thicker...the night, darker...i will freeze soon...and then, i will no longer be able to warm you...for all you will be clinging to is ice...
i dunno why i wrote this also...seems so painful...btw, you is me...the me that i was when i was young...i remember that i once told myself i can never be sad when i had myself to laugh with...even that part of me is gone now...gone somewhere and forgotten abt me...i'm cold...silent...and dark...very cold...and slowly wasting away...hypothermia...and i shiver...not bcos of fear...bcos of the delight that i will pass away from this world...
purestofpain
5/13/2004 11:42:00 ap.