I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
maanantaina, toukokuuta 10, 2004
...arent.you.tired....
i went to sleep, hoping to just sleep off all the things in my head...nope...dreamed of them instead...aft talking with abang...haiyoh, i feel like crying even more...one thing struck me abt the conversation though...abt him saying that i'm a strong girl...its been said over and over...why? i just don't get it...why am i expected o be strong? why is it that things i do would be considered feasible by any other person but not by me? bcos i'm expected to be strong? just bcos i happen to be the eldest, is that why i'm expected to be strong? i'm sick and tired of pretending already...it takes too much out of me...but if i don't pretend...hold back my tears...then there would be much more to cry about...
i followed my lil bro to cut his hair aft my fitful sleep...its so hot today...made me feel worse...so while i was waiting...i started thinking again...i saw this lil boy, a wee one...playing with his maid...and i just cried, there and then...there was no one to see...but i felt so sad, that the wee one who was so happy now...laughing without a care in the world, would soon find how sad a place the world is...where maybe, in the future, his laughter, cute little chuckles would not be allowed...then he lost his maid, who was hiding...and suddenly, tears...he seemed so lost without her...i wonder if he'll grow up one day...and have to hide his tears like me...how would it hurt that pure innocent heart...
i hate living...why didn't i just like die at birth? make things easier, let my mom have one less mouth to feed...let the world be rid of one more unneeded and useless being...shh...he told me...abangism consists of many shhs...requests for me to keep quiet...to keep silent...my dearest, isn't that what i have been doing so long? i let my cries be heard by you and you alone...will you not hear them? or do you choose not to...when you said you never want to see me cry, does that mean that you turn away whenever the tears start running down my cheeks?
abangism...this is sad...that i have to make you go through all of this...but to be true to adikology...i have to...not keep anything from you...i wish you a goodnight...and God bless...
5/10/2004 01:51:00 ip.