marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
maanantaina, toukokuuta 31, 2004
n o r e g r e t s b u t 1
mt paper for o levels...lemme see...as usual, a bad day...woke up late...then also went to school and realised i brought nothing to revise with me...passed my dearest bear to a person who i thought needed it more...passed master his ezlink again...and then i realised, oh dang, i'm the first malay candidate in the school...so yea, i was pissed...then i did the first paper, was all set out to do a jiwang narrative...guess what, no jiwang story to write...so i wrote the closest to it...then came paper 2...thought it was ok...when i came home my mum picked out sooo many mistakes i'm like really disheartened right now...fed up...
so yea, i finished that...just awaiting the results now lah...so yea, aft that helped cook...then went to movie with my kid bro bcos he needed someone to accompany him...and he was paying, so yea...shrek 2...not bad, was humourous...we smuggled the drinks in...i was like huddling in a windbreaker which did no help...but well, it was okay...went to toilet a couple of times...and got stuck at the mrt station bcos i din realise i had 2 ezlink cards in my wallet...dang...
i just realise i have no regrets...but one...just this one regret...its living...my regret is that i lived past my childhood...that i didn't die at birth...stupid stupid me...why did i...ppl have never told me to get a life...but when one does, i'll say that i have one, and i don't like it at all...any ppl out there who'd like it...
this school is so fing cruel...i mean, they claim they are being kind by giving us this "special package"...that we have to pay for, mind you...and they also claim they are being kind by giving us lessons the day aft mt o levels...utter crap man...more like cruel kindness...yea, there goes me fave oxymoron...btw i discoverd a new one recently...serious fun...cool yea...
i wish to continue my story but i'm really really not in the mood to write right now...i'll just spoil it...wish to talk to someone instead...going funny...yes funny...sorry abg, you told me to cheer up...but you also know whats goin on...and so i can't cheer up...it aint warm...just cold...
f r o z e n t e a r s o n m y c o l d c h e e k s
5/31/2004 12:13:00 ip.
sunnuntai, toukokuuta 30, 2004
s u l l e n a n g e l
woke up this mornin and started my cookie making...btw, thank you to my master who tried his bestest to cheer me last night...anyways, the cookies came out nice...
continuation to last nite's story...
Ili was shaken from her deep thoughts when she felt someone tugging at her sarong. looking down, she saw her child, Melur. she smiled down at her, wiping away the hot tears on her cheeks.
taking the child by the hand, she guided her back into the house. poor child, it was not Melur's fault that she was born so. doomed to a lifetime of dependance on others. Melur could not even recognise her own father. the only person melur could recognise was Ili, and it infuriated her father.
"mmm, mmm" melur mumbled, tugging at the sarong. that were the only sounds that she could make out, and Ili supposed that she was trying to say "mak" but the word got stuck in her throat somehow. it did not make her love melur any less. the child had a pure heart, and she was grateful she had a child.
still isn't finished. have to continue when i have time.
i'm praying that abang is being a good boy like he always is and studying right now...and so is master like promised...don't sleep too late...remember to bring your ic and dictionary ok?
still feeling sick right now...got a flu the past few days and so i am sick right now...this shows how stupid i am...fallin sick before a major examination...and then now having a head ache...and also a full break down...meaning i'm feeling positively "funny" right now...wondering why i made cookies? there's your ans...to distract myself...
i'll take a baseball bat and hit you over the head...over and over...till the warm trickle down your forehead can't be felt anymore by you...bcos you are dead...
i s n ' t t h i s w o r l d s a d ? w e h a v e f a l l e n
5/30/2004 09:11:00 ap.
lauantaina, toukokuuta 29, 2004
a n g u i s h
a miracle occured i guess...my e math results were F9 in CA...jumped to a C6 in the mid yr results...bcos of the pye paper of course...that stupid converstaion btw my mum and m.et was ridiculous...yea, as if you support me to drop A math...you clearly said no the last time i suggested...and when i got home, my dad clearly said i MUST go to JC...yea...m-u-s-t...so even if i want to go fer mass com...no...i can't...stupid...
so yea, i was upset, had a bad day aft all...woke up late...heard that song again...then i got to sch in like 15 mins...includes bathing and dressing and the journey to sch also...fast right...
went to buy cookie materials...met eric and megan there...talked some as per normal...and i saw something that must have been the greatest thing of the day...that made my day much brighter...i saw my abang...and he was studying chinese...so i am really really satisfied this time...deal going as planned...
broken record...make me cry...
her eyes glistened as she looked out towards the sea.her scarf slipped off her shoulders, blown by the soft sea breeze. she colsed her eys a moment, and let the breeze softly tease her hair back, away from her face. she thought of how much a failure she was, as a mother, as a wife, and a child. the one who was supposed to be the light of her life, her child, caused her husband to hurt her. it was immense torture, living in the same house as someone who had a responsibility over you, and also loathed having that responsibility. she felt like a burden.
ok, i dunno why i wrote this...it came to just now as i walked home...or rather, sprinted home...lets see if there is a continuation in the days to come...
m y b e s t i s n e v e r g o o d e n o u g h
5/29/2004 01:30:00 ip.
perjantaina, toukokuuta 28, 2004
w i l l f u l h e a r t
abg finally came to school today...hmm, sad i guess? cracking my brain trying to cheer him...i can't do much...bcos i know how it feels like to say goodbye...esp when its someone close...hurts very very much
i was pretty upset myself aft last nite...i guess it showed lah...i let my mask down today...so a bestest pal saw and asked me what the problem was...i'm thankful that he walked over...was getting freaked out by this thing...and i noticed the stares...so yea, felt safe arnd him...and thank you for venting your own problems also...and asking for advice...it was really really touching that you did...to know you trust me...
been awfully agitated the whole day...explains the hyperness...bcos i feel very upset...also like my abg...sian...master feeling the same, i can tell...shoots...the only thing that made me smile was the kekanda and adinda thingie...mina jiwang lah...giler ah...maafkan saya...
baking...planned to this weekend...like no mood already...thinking of that person of mine...and the song reason is playing itself over and over in my head...
waiting for things to pass...to unshatter...maybe i'll be able to do something then...i dunno...i just feel really crummy right now...almost to the point of being funny...but not just yet...a tad more will push me over the edge...
r a i n p o u r i n g o n m y s o u l
5/28/2004 09:35:00 ap.
torstaina, toukokuuta 27, 2004
h e a r t w r e n c h i n g
it was real heart wrenching...hearing that same song again...aft another song...a dedication frm that certain sch...to a person the girl fell in love with...same name...its too much...so many things that coincide...and same school...and also since something's been up...next song aft that dedication that practically shattered my heart was "reason"...guessed it, tears...esp after the fatigue...and that stupid incident today about the titration...school has no sense...stupid stupid stupid...and then this...too much to take right now...
the lyrics...my...i also recall hearing that the first i did something...and also the same night that the strange twist occurred...i wonder...coincidence? too much so...how...everything is so confusing...
still striving for perfection though...erm, i know what perfection is to me...and well, some person doesn't know what perfection means to me...but still on that topic...perfection...yup...still looking for it...its ironic that a song like reason made me cry...esp when it starts like this...
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
don't wish to carry on...only cause too many tears...guess bcos it brings back too many memories...i knew how it felt when you told me abt your plight friend...and now, i'm going through it again...like a nightmare playing itself over
my soul has been surrounded by a darkness
a fog so thick i can't see through
your light that was so warm before
is gone
and left me in the cold rain
the cold penetrates my being
and chills me through
right to my bones
and now to my heart
like paper,
i was torn into forty million pieces
left to the ravaging wind
howling like a hungry wolf
whispering harsh words into my heart
i fly into different directions
without direction
thats what i was and am now
an aimless soul
wandering,
without knowing where to go
in this darkness where i can't see
beyond the tip of my nose
how will i go on
anymore without knowing
where the shore lies
without my lighthouse
m y h e a r t w a s b r o k e n i n t o a m i l l i o n p i e c e s
5/27/2004 01:44:00 ip.
r e a s o n
lovin the song "reason" on the radio rite now...sigh...makes me cry when i listen...i reminds me of the time my friend and me made up aft an argument...meaning lonesome...he sent in a dedication and wanted the song to be for me...he knew i hadn't heard it...and the moment i did, the tears flowed down my cheeks...the reason to start over new...it was sooo sweet...love ya loads darls...
another tiring day...imah and me walked home together again...we spent a long time talking about tall guys...to be specific, it was abt AJC guys...the tall and cute ones? i dunno, but it seems she says that they are...i think i'll stick to soft hair...like lonesome's...and JB's
morbid thoughts...yup...as per normal...i hate today...then again, i hate everyday...i get so tired out...so drained...so everything...the best days? birthdays of course...birthdays indicate that you are one year closer to dying...fun-ness
this is so irritating...i wish the hols come quickly...and be nothing...lke wen you are d**d
5/27/2004 10:15:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, toukokuuta 26, 2004
...trust...
trust is such a fragile thing...maybe thats why i can't talk to everyone about everything...i heavily depend on the two i care for alot, abangism and kor...and the one i care most for who is like away now...i can't tell everything as well...to my dearest RN and OKE...i can't tell anything either...bcos alot of things will be viewed differently...and besides, i believe they have their own problems to settle...so i leave them be...to the two who have been there for me, rambu and master...i thank them heartily...bcos they take turns to cover for abangism when they know he is busy...and its been a real comfort...so trust? no, i have never trusted anyone fully...in fact, each person has been told something, and not been told something else...and so the 5, abang, master, rambu, kor and lonesome, each know a different part of me personally...
yet someone among this five...has given me, and shown to me...that they trust me entirely...trust me to be there, to listen and to keep mum when required...and i really wonder as to how i managed to earn this trust...for one, i know this person does not trust ppl easily...and it takes a long time to earn his trust...and i also know that i have been there...i remember i hated this person once...yet no, i feel at a loss...the same people who don't trust me with my own life are confident when it comes to trusting me to not hurt them when i'm confided in...scary
so trust...that one most precious thing that a friend can give you...almost the equivalent of placing their entire heart in your hands....i'm touched...yet, i don't really know how to approach this...am i really trustworthy?
5/26/2004 01:39:00 ip.
...life...
got this really cool and interesting quote today...went like this
"don't take life seriously because you never come out of it alive"
don't treasure life...exactly my point...since you are going to die in the end anyways...whats the pt of going through with it...why make yourself suffer? why not, just accelerate the process...and get the dying part over and done with...then no need to think and care so much...i know its like i'm being funny...trust me...i'm not...i'm just thinking...no plots ar...being true to abangism...
got A1 fer english...decided to reconsider thinking abt majoring for english...its really interesting...i mean, i love writing and all and thats why i started this blog...but music has played such a huge role in my life that i can't bear thinking abt parting from it...and english, its been something that i really love as well...so i'm now wondering is there any career where i can indulge in my love for both english and music...
i fell ill...stupid time to do so..its like 5 days to the major exam...another week of lessons...then the sc practical...where i will suffer giraffe neck syndrome...then aft that, hopefully a rest...then back to school...and then more agony...want to get that stupid o's over and done with and then good riddance to 'ol pearre seeas...thank goodness...and aft that lets see what happens...might end up funny again...
been wayang-ing abit you know for some people's good...then also been like shouting lots bcos of being extremely annoyed...argh...then this stupid xtra 2 hrs in the aftnoons...i skipped a class today bcos i was too tired to go...and sick as well...dieded when i came home...still like...very tired...seems like everyone is the same...
its been 2 days now since we last like had any contact...then it was like goodbye...whats up...nv said goodbye before...i want to find out...its killing me seriously...and also these bad dreams that i've been having recently...sleep is not peaceful...
i want to bang my head against the wall...but as abangism said yesterday...breach of contract...so i can't...darn...
i need to talk to someone, bad...but i guess no one is around again...never for me...
5/26/2004 01:20:00 ip.
tiistaina, toukokuuta 25, 2004
...hair...
oh my...JB's hair is sooo soft..really...like really nice to play and stuff...i've gotten used to playing with it recently...and it seems like JB don't mind...so yea, i dun really care...eric sez i'm sick...but no...its seriously fun to play
was fed up in school today...that A was like...erm...more aggressive in a sense? i was sooo pissed...argh
had some heart to heart chats today with a few ppl...MT intensive as well...then the health fair...sickening...was shouting so much...more than normal
i'm sorta sick now...got the flu recently...cough...sniffles...sore throat...like per normal...i hate being sick...
been really tired alot...frm school..frm mixed feelings...frm dreams...frm lack of sleep...from shouting...frm living...frm breathing...
fed up lah...i want to go bang my head against the wall...
5/25/2004 10:05:00 ap.
maanantaina, toukokuuta 24, 2004
...fear factor...
spent last night at whitesands mcdonalds with a friend...yea, talking and stuff...walked home...then went to the ATM machine at dr 6 bcos the one at WS was out of order...and the one downstair only was able to give out 50 bucks which i didn't have...so i was desperate...
so well, i got home kinda late...then i did my ironing and stuff...then picked up a book and read until like 1 am, when i realised everyone was asleep...so yea, i decided to be guai, and go to sleep...and i sat at my bed...realised i couldn't sleep...so i chanted this all throught the night..." i will go to sleep soon"...all the way till the alarm clock rang...then i just like got ready...gulped down some coffee...ran to sch...continued running arnd sch...and got all sweaty...was pooped...continued with MT intensive...
got home...went out with my daddy Imah...talked lots...abt things...and yea, girl stuff...and then we talked abt this dilemma i've been goin through...then we also talked abt some of her things...and also abt A...scary...i remember what this guy friend close to A said once to me...it scared the hell outta me...i thought i blocked that memory out...but well...it came flooding back...i was so scared...i bolted aft sending her back...
yea...ben having mixed feelings...like i dunno what i can do...someone just like plopped the heart into my hands, and like expects me to mend it...but i dunno how to go abt it...and its like, i have trust placed on me...i cherish it with all my heart...but at the same time...i dunno how to handle it, bcos i nv had the experience before...
i wish everything was ok...nothing was bad...imperfections disappear...then maybe...just maybe...
5/24/2004 01:19:00 ip.
sunnuntai, toukokuuta 23, 2004
...why...
its still morning and i can't get that thing out of my head...i woke up this morning...a vivid dream...it was scary...and i mean, really scary...i dreamt this weird dream (as usual)...but this time, the dream made me so confused...i dreamt that i got married...yup, married...how odd is that...anyways, if it were married to someone i don't know, i'd accept it...but i got married to a friend of mine...a great friend...i never never thught i would dream abt that...i wonder, really i wonder why i had that dream...and though i know that i have no feelings whatsoever for this person...i wonder if this dream meant something...i find it scary bcos of the previous experiences with weird dreams...
why you? of all ppl...my dream was like this...it started from the engagement...a simple ring..a promise...my dream was so vivid...we talked..exactly how we talk when we are together now...with me listening to you...and then you listening to me, and giving some advice...well...we were together...an earthquake...we hit the floor...just below the table...and we huddles...you were sheltering me protectively against the bits and pieces that were flying...tremors stop...and i looked up and you were crying..."i nearly lost you"...hugged me...i already was confused from that point onward...as i was dreaming, i was so confused...why you, my friend...and not someone else? the one i really really care abt in that manner? and to think that i once hated you...for what you said to me...what you said to me abt my abangism...i hated you for that once...then now...i really wonder why it turned out this way...
i'm really really confused...i don't know what to think...i'm going bonkers...
5/23/2004 04:12:00 ap.
lauantaina, toukokuuta 22, 2004
...beach...
left me home pretty early this mornin...went to meet joyce and shimin, my dearest sotong, at the mrt station...headed down to ikea to look at the boxes...been sometime since i was there...loadsa memories...nostalgia...well, i just love the scnet of pine wood, so i really took my time there...ate some luch...surprised? well...i'm learning to eat my lunch slowly by slowly...usually, i'd pass if i had the chance to pass...but well, trying my best means trying to eat lunch more regularly...so i did...
min min dropped at bugis to see her friend...me and joyce dropped at pasir ris...i lugged the groceries i had back home...you know my mummy...get the opportunity to ask me buy groceries, she will...so yea, bought the nakkari and hapan korppu...nakkileipa was impt as well...and of course, the salmiakki...shimin and joyce had a sample of it and were pretty much disgusted...but me and finnish food go so well together, i couldn't resist buying another pack to appease my sweet tooth...or rather, salty tooth...so yea i walked home
went to the beach later...was pretty snappy...snapping at everyone...at the beach was the usual AF and AK...faqih and farid also...they weren't bathing in the sea...i laughed some...which was painful...stomach muscles still aching...then i decided to go for a walk...you know me and the beach are like what...so sat...i hated being disrupted from my thoughts...they went back real early...
still awfully upset...moody...you know...not "funny"...vowed to block that out of my mind best possible...somtimes there is the urge, but i just block it...listen to something...or knock my head against the wall...usually, the latter...yea...but besides that, i'm feeling really upset bcos of other things...feels like no one here for me lor...i really dunno why i bother like to be friendly and nice and all that, when in the end...the only persons i cry with are me, myself and i...
i was crying and no one was there for me...again...
5/22/2004 01:04:00 ip.
perjantaina, toukokuuta 21, 2004
...intense...
another tiring day of intense malay...i feel so very tired i just want to sleep for the rest of the day...but i can't, i have so much to bother about...also beinng bothered abt this thing lah...my head feels so heavy...so does my heart...and there is nothing i can do about it...
sigh...my dearest lonesome...i hope we get to talk soon...it feels like no one is here that really really bothers abt this besides you...it just hurts too much not to talk as much as we did before...i miss those times...when we could...but now, we are both tied down by our work...the big o's for both...sigh...we should meet sometime in june...and you know, just talk...nothing but talk...even i think abangism won't understand this times around...anyways, abangism is so busy...i can't afford to be a pain and bother ppl with my problems...esp not abangism who has so many other problems to settle...less advice and light frm him now...i guess that lonesome's warmth has to help compensate...
just now had an A encounter...outside...i was laughing and screaming same time bcos of the pain it caused my aching tummy...and then well, at that pt A walked past...scaryscary...it seems that A is hanging arnd there more and more...and i always happen to walk straight into him...this like erm...depends on the way i look at it really...according to my secret...its a good thing...but according to my heart, its a bad thing...i dunno which way to handle this situation...
results are out...been trying to block everything out...nothing works...then that conversation during our free period...i was like in the middle...and i just stood and walked off...felt like crying there and then...but i just sat aside...alone...thats how i feel nowadays...really lonely...the ppl who are beside me don't know abt me really...abangism seems like ignoring me...but then again, i know abangism is constantly busy so yea...lonesome is like busy as well, and can't contact me as often as others bcos we aren't in the same school...my kor, well, i understand he's going through alot, so i leave him be...eric, well...i can't really say much lah... i'm just there to listen as a friend, not really to confide in him...so that leaves...no one? and no one means, going back to the old method of bottling things up...just that this time, the bottle is so full that it bursts almost everytime something new comes my way...
tears...more tears...just talking abt school makes my head ache...thinking abt my problems makes me sad...i know i sorta ignored some ppl today...i'm sorry ya guys? if i don't wave or smile it means i'm really really so fed up and tired that i can't be bothered to hide it anymore...depressed...really depressed...
what does one do in this situation? when there is no one there...there is no one around for you...you feel heat, but heat without light (bcos i haven't talked properly to lonesome)...its like i'm not allowed to do anything that will help me...i have like limited time at the com...nothing at home interests me...stupid...no one at home comforts me, bcos i'm afraid to talk to anyone abt my problems...and the ppl who i can talk to openly are not free...so well...i just have noone i guess...
crying now as i sit here...have to finish up...this mom of mine...she gets on my nerves...i get on hers, i know...but she gets on mine so often, i wish i could blow my top...and the thing is, i can't...whereas she can...and thats what makes it really really unfair...we can't even have a fair argument...everything is "oh, i'm your mother, therefore you have to..."...so what...i don't care anymore...i wish i could scream my lungs out...tell you what i really feel abt you...but i can't...its painful to keep this pretence up at home...
then the worst thing happened today...i saw someone's testimonial for someone else...its apparent that i'm not supposed to be doing whatever i'm doing now...someone else told me that i don't do anything..did i ask for this stupid post? did i want it...no...so stop assuming that i'll try my hardest when in it...i can dedicate a certain amt of time...but i have studies to take care of...i can't always give my all for the council and then neglect my studies...no, i can't do the stupid job you want me to do...and yes, eugene should have been in this position...i hate everyday of it...and i hate your stupid nagging...i see no pt...everyone thinks i'm not doing my best in the position...so what...i don't have as much time now as you...i take more subjects, and also i am having my O level MT soon...do not distract me when i don't need it...and btw, i'm trying my best to juggle everything...this extra pressure is not something i need...
stupid...i just wish to give up on everything...but abangism...i have to keep moving...so that the deal is kept...i will try my best to strive on...but the pressure is really high right now...esp with all these xtra responsibilities...they are making me spin...
i think i better go do something...i need some distraction frm everything right now...at least for a short while...
5/21/2004 12:32:00 ip.
torstaina, toukokuuta 20, 2004
...smiles...
i cry than smiled genuiely...in less than half an hour...bcos of what? abangism of course...darn...abangism always makes me do that...heart shatter..then try to mend it...and then it shatters again...mood fluctuates...and then a ray of hope appears...sometimes, the darkness in the glass ball overshadows it...but the light pierces the darkness so keenly...like a sword piercing the heart of its bearer's enemy...
lonesome...you carry that light as well...but i'm sorry to say, i'm afraid to be totally honest with you...so your light is sligthly dimmer...but still it touches my heart...for your light is so much warmer...and its warmth heats up the cold...and i stay warmer a little more everytime we talk...warmth means so much to me you can't imagine...
results...discouraging...quite satisfied with Eng...i nearly, by 0.5, nearly touched a 40 mark...still...i wish to touch 45...maybe, just maybe, that 50 mark...let me, pls just let me...
will end up with lotsa Bs this term...a maths...didn't even reach 25%...i think its better that i concentrate on E maths now...its my safest bet...then really pull up my bio and humanities...its impt...and the rest can be A2...besides Chem and A maths of course...whatever it is, am now concentrating on clearing the MT exams...
just back from the library...met up with a friend also...talked some...walked there and back and was a bit late...sigh...i think, and think, and think...and the more i think, the more i think that i am thinking too much...then i continue thinking abt all the things i've done wrong...this is just ridiculous...
night air was cool...walk was nice...park was dark...abit scary bcos of the darkness and te incidents before...but i made it by walking extra fast...scary i guess...somehow i just wish that i was walking with my bestest friend lonesome...not here...so far away...
deals...abangism made a super good one for him...and perhaps a bad one for me...my plan B is off...but anything so that ppl don't give up...don't lose hope yea...i'd be so lost...as mushy as it sounds, its true...just as lost as i would be if lonesome gave me the cold shoulder...and left me alone...i pray that never happens...
i'm in no mood for anything but brooding...as per normal i guess...i wonder if i think enough sometimes...and i wonder if i think too much...i dunno at all...i'm getting a headache just trying to bother...
been cranky the past few days...if you see me that way...its bcos i'm really really hot and bothered...so yea, don't ask me too many questions, i'll feel irritated...and don't expect me to do anything for you guys if i don't offer to do...so yea, if i'm cranky and you do...i'll blow...this is a red alert...just leave me to be in silence when we are together guys...like oke...thanks darls...its nice of you...nv ask too many questions...i guess i'm fed up aft that one week of ans questions...
going to spend the night brooding now...no sleep for me...nope...i'll prolly end up singing on my bed...nitez...
5/20/2004 10:50:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, toukokuuta 19, 2004
..angel...
the lyrics of the song angel...made me cry when i listened to it again...
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some
peace tonight
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this
glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
sad...very sad...and am aching as well...all over bcos of the physical test...but thats not why my heart feels heavy tonight...its because of the sadness i see around...and the sadness inside...i still cling on...and i wonder why, why i cling on...to that false hope...
like a flower, wilted and torn...
i lay by the wayside, tired
lost
and i wait for that kind soul
who'd pick me up and bury me
peace
i've been wondering what the angel of death is like...will it be dark...send chills down my spine...or someone who'll guide me by the hand to the next destination...to comfort me, and embrace me like and old friend...take me away...i feel its time we met the angel of death...its so tiring to move on...waiting, but nothing comes my way...nothing but more thigns to endure...i'm just so very sleepy and tired...can't sleep still...how can i, at this rate...take me away...soon
5/19/2004 01:51:00 ip.
tiistaina, toukokuuta 18, 2004
...endings..
end of exams...and time to go even more bonkers studying...o level mt up next, in less then 2 weeks...cannot believe my mother asked me to go camping the day before with my relatives...i disagreed straight...so she changed the date...thank goodness...
the angel of death...ever heard the song, angel, from the movie city of angels? to others, it brings hope...
in the arms of an angel, fly away, from here
i wish it was the angel of death...
from this dark, cold hotel room
and the endlessness you fear
take me away from this monotony, please
you were pulled, from the wreckage,
of your silent reverie
silence? it doesn't damage me...but it damages my friendships with others...i have no choice, for i rather drift apart...than to argue over my thoughts and feelings...and be called a burden...
you're in the arms of an angel
may you find some comfort there
death? definitely a comfort...to not live anymore...to stop having so many imperfections...and start being more perfect...
going off...feeling really useless right now...and also feeling unwanted...never mind, i guess the person needs time...i can't cool anyone down now...not even myself...i'm sorry...i tried my best, but it isn't good enough again...i'm really really sorry...
5/18/2004 11:25:00 ap.
maanantaina, toukokuuta 17, 2004
...burdens...
i know, i've been told i'm a burden before...i know so, and i've been told so...but the question is, what kind of burden am i?
heavy?
miserable?
upsetful?
depressing?
no...this one person told me i'm none of the above...he said...if i were a burden at all, i'd be a precious burden...and he'd rather bear this precious burden for miles, then care abt the other burdens around...sweet aye? but unfortunately, find it very ot true...sorry...i have to disagree with you...precious burdens are ppl who aren't like me...i'm a different, and difficult burden...ppl who are reading...can i have some feedback please...what kind of burden am i? tag with your answer...
5/17/2004 12:10:00 ip.
...happening...
went "happening" aft bio paper today...brought my phy textbook along...as well as the wb...was like a nerd lor...study at orchard road...was quite fun...bcos in the end i ended up laughing...but i know now how to derive that formula...haiz...been sometime since i saw my kor...nice seeing you again...and i wore pink...ee...disgusting...but since it was on short notice, well, i had to...no other clothes to wear...
angry angry angry...
have a feeling that someone is avoiding me...i wonder why...how come...what did i do wrong...i mean, i really did not do anything, so i wonder whats up...maybe, just maybe...but no, that's like impossible...wish to see that person soon...hopefully, i'm wrong..
stupidstupidstupidstupid
i hate living...monotonous...on and on it drags...time is a merciless painter...it only spoils whatever that is unspoilt so far...and spoils everything by introducing something new...this bitez...really...why do i bother, i really wonder sometimes...i wonder why i don't do something for myself once in awhile...why i care so much to try help and make others happy...and then they totally don't appreciate it...and its like...i do something, without asking for anything...maybe a smile once in while...bcos these ppl i try to help...to be nice to...they aren't nice to me at all...i wonder why i care for these ppl...why don't i just focus on caring for ppl who really really care like abangism, and kor...why should i bother abt the rest?
i was told i was different in a bad way today...i mean...isn't it because you are different that you are special? more unique? so now since i'm different, i'm considered as a freak...i can't help being different...i still don't get it...whats so bad abt being different?
i'm right here waiting...
for the dawn to turn to dusk...
every minute seems like and hour...
waiting an hour seems like waiting for life to pass
the sun is rising...
its way up overhead...
the heat is unbearable
the light blinds me
the sun does not care
it carries on its course
from the east to west
the day grinds forever on and on
i close my eyes
awaiting the cool dark night
but when i open them,
we aren't even half way through
how can i rush the day?
to make my hands feel like ice?
there is a way
a road...
not taken by many
i wish to, my dear
but i stop, and wait for you
for though i'm far ahead
i can't bear to leave you behind
lets walk together
hand in hand
i'll fan you and you fan me...
but where have you gone my friend?
away...to retreat without me
and so i will walk this dark path alone
with all pains, a full burden
for you care not for me anymore...
5/17/2004 11:43:00 ap.
sunnuntai, toukokuuta 16, 2004
..out...
went out yesterday and today...not been online at all until now...i feel very heavy inside...like i'm dragging a weight arnd...seems my box inside has been filled to the brim...abangism...help, its going to burst...this time it'll burst badly, esp after it was broken so many times before...it can't be nailed together anymore...not this time...i dunno if you can help me...see how first...
gosh...took a bus frm yishun...39...brought memories flooding back...the last time i was there, i remember my box pretty much burst...and my heart was shattered...it was at night...i was tired...and suddenly, my glass ball cracked and was left lying at my feet...and the person didn't even know...it took so much to hold back my tears..for it was sally's and fadzly's special day...it took so much to keep myself from breaking down...i didn't want to spoil it for them...and when i went home...i broke down so bad...that person doesn't even know at this point in time how much it hurt then...when i think back, it still hurts...and this person is one who has seen the me under the mask...i think the person will nv know how much it hurt...and what was it that he/she said that hurt me...
so yea, that was one thing...went out on Sat also...what our family calls going "happening"...we did that...was fun while it lasted, distracted me awhile...but aftwards was so painful i can't even describe...it hurt so bad...and aft today...i find no way to be motivated to go on...
imperfections...fadzie once told me its the imperfections that make us the special ones...but she also said that no body is perfect...in that case, if everyone i imperfect...that means no one is special at all...just all the same...therefore, if i want to be special...truly special, i ought to be perfect...just proved my pt...to strive to be perfect...its the only way to be the best...i want to be the best...and i'm sure everyone knows by now what my definition of perfection is...i'd love to be perfect...but unfortunately, i made a promise not to be...
my heart's overflowing
tears, for bearing everyday of this torture
which goes by the name of life...
the monotony...
its getting to me..
making my head spin
everything passes by like a flash
but like going round in circles...
all in sight is the same as before
it grinds forevermore...
on and on, the circle of life
and i the prisoner
in this ring of fire...
i'm tied and gagged...
and set spinning by my tormentor
who wishes me to smile
as i scream in pain
to hold back my tears
as the blodd flows
the ropes cut into my skin
i lose memory slowly
like my heart was bleeding
drip, drip, drip
a pool beneath his feet
but he doesn't stop...
help me...
i wish to break free
from this circle of life
for i rather burn in the fires of hell
then continue moving in circles...
5/16/2004 01:11:00 ip.
perjantaina, toukokuuta 14, 2004
...ihateyou...
you...yes you...the one over there...the tall caucasian one..yea, the one with big brown eyes...i have something to tell you...I HATE YOU...i hate the fact that you are alive...i hate you for everything you do...i hope you die soon...if you don't, i'll kill you myself...slit your throat...and laugh as the blood splatters all over me...it feels good...i'll grab you by your brown hair and bash your head in...hit it over and over on the corner of the wall there...see those blood stains? they're yours...like them? the colour crimson...isn't that your favourite colour? how bout a baseball bat...i'll hit you over and over till you pass out because of the pain...make sure you bleed...you aren't bleeding enough anymore...you used to...i hate it that you don't anymore...i hate that stupid lip smile you have...your eyes are so dull...forever drowned by tears...no sparkle in them when you smile or laugh...i hate the fact that you are around me...i will get rid of you...just you wait...this is seriously fun...to get rid of you...slay you...kill you...murder...a vicious crime...but oh no, i won't be caught...not alive i wont...there is no way i will...bcos i'm part of you...i am you...don't you get it? there is no way you can hide...you can't run...no escape for you my dearest...because i will always haunt you...even up to the point where death smiles and embraces you like an old friend...when your body goes limp...when you cease to breathe...stop thinking...there is no way to escape me...no way out...i hate you...and in the process, i hate myself as well...for we are one and the same...lets do something together shall we? ever heard of being adventurous? lets do some diving one day...or maybe some bunjee jumping...oh, i remember, we don't have the bunjee cord...wow...that will be interesting...do you love me my dearest? as much as i hate you? you don't now, do you? i told you...we are one and the same...i'll kill you...and you'll kill me...we're quits...even...lets start from today onward...loathing is great...i hate that we are living...lets do something new...lets try...let me see...does death sound too scary for you? no? great minds think alike...our hearts beat as one...and we'll stop beating together...we bleed...we scream...do they hear us? do you hear me? i know you do, my dearest...but you scream with me...can the outside hear us? do they see us? no my dearest...we do the excellent cover job...lets continue...no fooling one of them...we cherish the abangism too much...but the rest...thats a different story...lets do this together...hand in hand...till death do is part...
5/14/2004 02:10:00 ip.
...tired...
got my ATM card today...but conditions are so stringent that well...i don't see a pt in owning one...except that i can draw cash for my pocket money when i need to...and that i get interest instead of letting the coins rust in my coin box...got a wallet also, aft at least a year of not owning one...billabong...interesting...
oh well...i feel sorta upset...bcos something's up with abangism...yea, something's wrong and he aint telling me...notti notti abang...you are supposed to tell me when something's up...but well...adik won't disturb you...i suppose you need your own space when you are down...like me...and so i don't mind you not telling bcos well...i know how it feels...just pray you cheer up soon and feel a-okay...here's a kiss *muakz* to cheer you up...no "ees" abt it ya...God bless...
besides feeling down bcos of my lovely sibling...feeling down bcos of something else...shall not say...am too fed up to elaborate further...
i feel alone...very alone...wish to cry...shall go and do that in my room right now...tears already spilling...hoping that mum don't see them...stupidstupidstupid me...
where is the smile i used to see in your eyes? the very one that showed me that your heart was at home...which told me that you care...the cheery smile i heard in your voice...i wish that smile would return...
5/14/2004 09:59:00 ap.
torstaina, toukokuuta 13, 2004
...argh...
am angry...very angry...with me, myself and i...feeling really down again...and i mean really, really down...as if i could cry every second if i could...but know the place i stay in and the school's stupid policy of calling home to tell the parents that their child cried in sch...erm, i just can't though i feel like crying so bad...don't want to go for sessions...it took so much out of me to tell him that i didn't want to go...and thats day, he said i have to go aft the exams...stupid...i don't see a pt for sessions when one just keeps quiet or gives vague ans as if she doesn't know what the question was...i do that on purpose mind you, knowing the risks involved in telling any person who is from the sch abt anything...ET not included...
today saw uncle...hehe, he got paper ah, go home so early one...noticed today he gave a weird smile...made me jump...a shy half smile that played abt his lips...one he's nv given me before...erm...i really dunno what to think abt it...i just think its really funny that we call each other uncle and auntie...really really dunno what to say...
today someone made my day...hehe...abangism...for some strange reason called me mei mei...i got so surprised that i laughed...thank you abang! i think you also dunno that i did...but hey, you made me laugh genuinely...i've not done that since kor made me laugh a month ago...
unfortunately, still angry with myself even aft laughing...i'm stupid...thats my problem...stupidity...i know, i know...shh...i told you i jack your pic...wait i send to 1.5 then you know...i'm stupid...get me? and i wont' shh abt it either...i'm speaking facts...dare to dream? yea right...dreams are only attainable in utopia...and we don't live in utopia...and you know what? nothing will ever be perfect...so whats the pt of dreaming of perfection, when one knows one wont get it...
i thought you knew the sound of my heart beating...but i now know...its hardly audible to you...its muffled...you can't hear me...drowned by the sound all around...do you hear my pitiful screams? those of purest pain...you've forgotten...the promise i made you...but your words..are etched in my memory...locked in my heart...and make each day more painful...
its my fault that i hurt...that i bleed...my heart lies before me
in a million and one pieces...i can't pick them up, for they cut my hands...and hurt me even more...it shattered like crystal, bcos i chose to let you be happy...to let you be ignorant of the challenges i face...and now when i choose to show them to you...you turn away, and wish not to see them...even aft you said you would...when you said you never wanted to see me cry, did it mean you would walk away when i was drowning in tears? emotions so overwhelming...they make me do the craziest things...but i try to control myself...for you only...how could you forget? how could you break that promise you made me?
with you in the cold huddling with me, it was bearable...now that you have found a home and some warmth...you shun me...refuse to take my freezing hands and pull me next to you to warm me...to put my heart in your hands, and warm it slowly...that i might be healed again...you refuse to...i bear no grudges...and am happy you found your happiness...but have you forgotten...that you promised to teach me to be happy? that you promised to be there, even when it made you miserable? did you...or do you choose to ignore that memory?
next to me, you are so far away...for the glass wall still blocks your vision...have your happiness then...i still keep my word, and will stay outside, waiting...should you be cast out into the cold again...i will be there, to huddle with you again...but the glass will get thicker...the night, darker...i will freeze soon...and then, i will no longer be able to warm you...for all you will be clinging to is ice...
i dunno why i wrote this also...seems so painful...btw, you is me...the me that i was when i was young...i remember that i once told myself i can never be sad when i had myself to laugh with...even that part of me is gone now...gone somewhere and forgotten abt me...i'm cold...silent...and dark...very cold...and slowly wasting away...hypothermia...and i shiver...not bcos of fear...bcos of the delight that i will pass away from this world...
purestofpain
5/13/2004 11:42:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, toukokuuta 12, 2004
...helpless...
okay...i really freaked out during today's a math paper...cannot remember a single thing...all the formulae, gone...head empty...just picked up my pen and did what little i could remember, and tried to remember what i couldn't remember...i'm losing my memory...and i tried my best...you know what crap i got when i came home? i just said that i wouldn't do well and guess what? oh suddenly, i'm not trying hard enough...i have a bad attitude...i have no responsibility towards my parents...so i couldn't handle the paper...this year has been rough so far...its gonna get worse...and i now know that i have no support bcos 1. i don't have a tutor...2.i'm expected to get A1s, and i don't think its that achievable at this pt in time...3.i'm being accused yet again of not trying hard enough...its hard enough for me to breathe...stupid...i once indicated that i wanted to drop the subject...wasn't in my interest...so why am i continueing? bcos i want to, seeing that i did well last yr and am hoping that this is just bcos of the rough yr i've had so far...and also bcos my parents don't allow me to drop the subject...at this pt in time, i really, really feel like dropping it...really...admiring that person who didn't do a single question...i hope you manage to drop in peace...
my best nv good enough for anyone...its always, oh, you aren't trying hard enough...you need to work harder...its not as if i'm not trying...for gdness sake, i've never really studied for any of my exams in my life...not even PSLE...and this year, i'm actually studying...and they say i'm not trying hard enough...stupid...i wish to cry...
its getting darker now...really really dark...i don't care what i do...i've gievn up on life...i give up hope...its just sad, the world we live in...and i wish to no longer live in it...expectations...mr ang told me not to give myself pressure...how not to...the stupid ppl outside my glass ball are shouting...they expect to see the glass ball shine..do they not know, there is nothing luminous inside this ball? that i can't even see them, just hear their voices...them shouting, screaming...its too dark to even see myself...and their screams cut through my silence, disturbing my peace...sure you don't understand me...YOU NEVER WILL...give up trying to understand and just listen once in a while to the remarks i give...i'm trying to TELL YOU SOMETHING...you never LISTEN...how would you get it if you don't?
i'm stupid...happy? i've always been stupid...stupid ppl like me ought to be dead right? i'm a burden aren't i? i don't have responsibility...dont try to pretend...its obvious, you dote on them more than you do me...bcos to you, they are the ones who aren't being difficult...so you think i'm trying to be difficult? i try to rid you of the burden thats called me and you say i don't respect you...i try my best and you say that its not gd enough? whats good enough i ask you? for me to be dead? i can make that happen...anytime i want...i just chose not to bcos of a few ppl whom i trust...who tell me everything will be okay...i chose to trust them and not you...you know why...bcos i lost faith in you...i can't trust you with your words...broken promises...i remember every single one since when i first realised that you broke your promise...material things? so what? i get much less than my friends...face it, i do...being there...thats all you've been doing...been there to scold me, nag me, beat me, tell me i'm not good enough...praise me? never...be happy for me? never...i've been sarcastic loads this year...bcos of you...try figure out what i mean sometimes when i talk to you...it seems whatever i say goes in one ear and goes out the other...
i pray that tonight i die...maybe that will make your life less miserable, your load less...think abt it, one less mouth to feed...isn't that much easier for you to bear the rest of your life...i don't believe in your tears, i never believed that you truly loved me...i still don't...bcos if you loved me, you'd accept me for who i am...you don't even know who i am...and when i show you, you say i'm being difficult...therefore, you do not accept me...you think giving me material things and providing alone is considered loving? i don't think it is so...did you ever think that its difficult enough for me to act at school to keep ppl from worrying and the school from calling home? and do you know i have to act at home so that you don't make noise...
pain...i rather die bcos of physical pain that have to endure this torture day by day....i've been numb long enough...my hearts bled long enough...i refuse to bleed any longer...if you see me cold one day, not moving...you know which path i took...if i go to Hell...its me who will bear the consequences, not you...so shut up...its my choice...
i'm tired of everything...especially of you...
5/12/2004 01:35:00 ip.
...failure...
CME exam...was okay...wrote lots...MT...also not too bad, just the comprehension has some teruk questions...the cam A maths...disaster...1. i couldn't even do half the paper...2.someone didn't do the paper...and made my life difficult by staring...yup staring...i dunno what that person was staring at...and why...but it was evident that the person had nothing to do...bcos that person did not attempt a single question...happy failing...
am angry...very angry...nothing went into my head...nothing came out...but still...the pt is that nothing went in...stupidstupidstupid...and so i'm prepared ot flunk this paper...just what i need...worse, tml is chem...the ultimate disaster paper...worse a disaster then hiroshima...really...so means another HTF moment coming my way...oh wow...what a surprise...why don't i just up and go to ROM then? its that, or...but being true to adikology...not doing that...which just means taking comfort in the thought that i have started my plan...
study bio..mind saturated...hoping to end my misery soon...very very soon...in a certain way...i've done my research...so don't stop me...its technically impossible...hooray...
i'm tired of the lies..the nagging...the memories...tired of breathing..tired of the existance of me...
5/12/2004 06:30:00 ap.
tiistaina, toukokuuta 11, 2004
...stupid...
just woke up...deleted a post that i'm very very sure i did NOT post...i can't remember a thing from this morning...for some reason the abangism is kicking up a storm...claims that i treated him like a stranger...like...look, i really, really, really, don't know what i did this morning...i don't even recall what the paper was like...i am NOT pretending...i do NOT recall anything about that post previously up...and i was NOT trying to play a fool or make anyone angry...if i have been saying that i don't know you the past couple of weeks...i'm bonkers ok?
shoot...i don't know how my paper went...this just sucks...so i don't know whether i wrote gibberish most of the paper or not...this just bitez...
i'm angry with this useless self of mine...still exams ongoing...and i have memory problems...i'm going to have to do something to make me think better...and to REMEMBER...to think that i actually forgot my abang this morning...how can one forget her ABANG??? i'm mad...i need a shrink...i need a doc...now...
stupidstupidstupidstupid me...my head feels so saturated...nothing can go into my head...i can't sort anything out in my head...and everything is a mess...
useless...useless...i can't remember what i did this morning...how can anyone forget what they did in the morning...at least during the OBS land expedition, i had some reason to...lack of water, and food, and rest...but now? i had my breakfast, ok, i might not have slept 8 hrs, and water was enough...but still there is NO good reason to forget...this is just STUPID...
just prved how useless i can be...stupidstupidstupid me...
i'm so pissed...wish to go bad...at least my plan's in action...only one will know...only one will try...but that one cannot succeed...bcos it is entirely out of anyone else's hands...its not possible for other ppl to interfere this time...no stop this and stop that...bcos technically, i worked round all the things i'm NOT supposed to do...and doing all the things that i can do...so i am right this time...thank gdness...foolproof plan in action...
still very very very angry...wish to...but can't...being true to adikology...
stupid darkness...stupid everything...stroms subsided again...wondering abt later...heard whispers abt the aftermath last night...was great loss...very very great...and made me very angry...wished to cry...in fact, i did cry...stupidstupidstupidstupid...i'm bleeding my memories again...maybe thats why i have memory loss...this just bitez...
aren'tyoutiredofeverything?
5/11/2004 11:44:00 ap.
maanantaina, toukokuuta 10, 2004
...arent.you.tired....
i went to sleep, hoping to just sleep off all the things in my head...nope...dreamed of them instead...aft talking with abang...haiyoh, i feel like crying even more...one thing struck me abt the conversation though...abt him saying that i'm a strong girl...its been said over and over...why? i just don't get it...why am i expected o be strong? why is it that things i do would be considered feasible by any other person but not by me? bcos i'm expected to be strong? just bcos i happen to be the eldest, is that why i'm expected to be strong? i'm sick and tired of pretending already...it takes too much out of me...but if i don't pretend...hold back my tears...then there would be much more to cry about...
i followed my lil bro to cut his hair aft my fitful sleep...its so hot today...made me feel worse...so while i was waiting...i started thinking again...i saw this lil boy, a wee one...playing with his maid...and i just cried, there and then...there was no one to see...but i felt so sad, that the wee one who was so happy now...laughing without a care in the world, would soon find how sad a place the world is...where maybe, in the future, his laughter, cute little chuckles would not be allowed...then he lost his maid, who was hiding...and suddenly, tears...he seemed so lost without her...i wonder if he'll grow up one day...and have to hide his tears like me...how would it hurt that pure innocent heart...
i hate living...why didn't i just like die at birth? make things easier, let my mom have one less mouth to feed...let the world be rid of one more unneeded and useless being...shh...he told me...abangism consists of many shhs...requests for me to keep quiet...to keep silent...my dearest, isn't that what i have been doing so long? i let my cries be heard by you and you alone...will you not hear them? or do you choose not to...when you said you never want to see me cry, does that mean that you turn away whenever the tears start running down my cheeks?
abangism...this is sad...that i have to make you go through all of this...but to be true to adikology...i have to...not keep anything from you...i wish you a goodnight...and God bless...
5/10/2004 01:51:00 ip.
...exams...
exams...phsyics paper 2 was quite okay...ss was a diff matter...dieded...going to die even more...and lets see how badly i die too..Geog has to pull me up somehow...i wish it does..
thought he would come later in the day...then oh shucks, i saw him and it hit me...he takes lit, so he has to be there...darn...spoiled my morning...stuck near the rambu when in that area, made me feel safer...
SS...crazy stuff...all the questions i hoped to come out didn't...gd luck to Gerald Heng who told us guarantee 100% that Sri Lanka would come out and studied only that chapter...hope you pass somehow...but i ended up doing the industrial development question...it was teruk...very teruk...but i had no choice, bcos i couldn't recall anything frm the paper abt anything else...
feeling fed up...not enough sleep...very unsound...that stupid incident yesterday...nearly made my abang upset bcos i told him abt my plan...and he wants to know, but i can't tell...so yea...i'm upset...very upset...feeling funny...very funny...
abangism...too bad if you don't like whatever it is...but i still will use it...lalalalala...
vulgarities...they make mefeel no better...but i don't care if i hurt the other party...heck them...as long as i aint in uniform when i say them, its none of their business...
this just bites...
5/10/2004 05:04:00 ap.
sunnuntai, toukokuuta 09, 2004
...pissed...
i'm so freaking pissed...stressed out...spent some time crying...eh abang, thank you ar...but didn't stop my tears...i'm just sooo irritated...and frustrated...i can barely get anything into my head...been trying to sleep properly, but i'm plagued by weird dreams which makes my sleep un-sound...then there was that conversation...i don't know how...argh...feeling "funny" now...very very funny...am on the brink...if not for that promise...that one promise...its so aggravating to be held back, bcos of something that you committed to...i committed to my kor and abang...not to my family...i feel like screaming vulgarities all day long...scream in their face abt how i feel...no...i can't, you know why...if i do, i'm disrespectful...if i cry i'm crazy...if i'm taking a study break, i'm not studying enough...stupid...just so stupid...just f*** them...i can't even cry in their presence, is that so...i can't close my freaking door to study...no, i have to keep it open...stupid...why? bcos they say so...yea right...if my sis slams the dor cos she can't take the noise...then its right...but if i say the slightest thing its wrong...oh wow...i baked a cake this morning and you know what? when my sis and me gave it to her, there was no reaction...but when my bro went out and bought her something, its a big deal...yea, he bought it...so what? i woke up at 6.30 on a Sun morning just to bake a cake...how fair is that? my effort is nothing, but my bro, who went out to buy something is suddenly the good one...oh wow what a surprise...and on top of that, the stupid row...i hate rows...
this darkness is killing me...i bleed but i can't see where i'm bleeding bcos i'm numb...so i lose blood...and as i lose blood, i keep losing my memory...my memories of how to smile...how to be happy...how to live peacefully...how to see the light...i think its not the darkness from outside anymore...its like blindness...its cold...very cold...its freezing...i don't feel anything but the cold...and once in a while when i do wake up, i feel the pain so bad, i just slip back into my darkness...the light outside is harsh and binds my eyes...i'm so used to seeing nothing but darkness...then when the light is there...i just close my eyes in response...
thinking differently from others...thats another thing...why is it that i think this way? issit bcos of the family i come frm? the way i was brought up? or is it just me? i dunno...all i know is that i know no one who thinks in the same manner...
stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid...
5/09/2004 01:00:00 ip.
...IQ...
Congratulations, Sarah!
Your IQ score is 122
This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.
Your Intellectual Type is Word Warrior. This means you have exceptional verbal skills. You can easily make sense of complex issues and take an unusually creative approach to solving problems. Your strengths also make you a visionary. Even without trying you're able to come up with lots of new and creative ideas. And that's just a small part of what we know about you from your test results.
i don't really believe this but...erm...verbal skills i understand...other than that, i just did this test to block of the stupid noise going on in here...tension is great...wish i could go out of here...away from everything...away from earth...not care...but i have to care...plan has to work...will take some time...but MUST work...
5/09/2004 09:47:00 ap.
...baking...
woke early to bake a cake...one for mummy, which was humongous...and one for eric...love baking *weee*...in the end, both came out nice...and i had no help at all...like duh...haha...was fun...
but of course, like i said...there was a silver lining to this dark cloud...the lightning that struck...freaking row...the storm didn't simmer down, it just got tired out...and then it started to brew again...and now its back with a vengeance...i can't take this anymore...i'm going bonkers...i'm going to put my plan into action tonight...yes, tonight...its earlier than expected, but i'm getting sick of everything...i'm also getting tired of everything...so sick+tired=give up...means plan B into action tonight...i'm glad no one knows what i'm up to...
argh stupid row spoilt last night...was supposed to be a good one...cos i managed to chat with "lonesome" for half hour...finally online...and bcos of everything, lonesome got the worst of it...yea, me and my talk again...so well, i stopped myself before i could go further...and well, lonesome told me that it was a bad day also...so well...we just fell to talking abt other stuff...had a nice night bcos of you....twas sweet and soo good to talk to you again...didn't feel like letting go, but we had to...sigh...i wish...
stupid stupid stupid me...yes...still very frustrated...i feel funny like...but i promised, i promised...bsides, i have a plan up my sleeve...will not talk...will be silent...i don't want to spoil anything...its the exam period...its stressful...its Mothers' Day...i'm NOT going to be the spoiler...the extra burden...the one who adds the extra stress and pressure...not during this time...so sorry abang, i have to be silent during this time and take the blow myself...have to let you concentrate on your exams...so if i get hurt...and i cry...don't be upset...just do your best for the papers...please...its all i ask...anything aft the exam, then i might speak...but now i'm too distraught...
look forward to more jumpiness and hyperness in the next week...will try to smile properly...if i don't make it, its not my fault...i can't lie with my eyes...i'm a horrible liar if you look in my eyes...maybe thats why i'm afraid of ppls gazes...particularly abang's which made me cry...and also A's which also freaks abang out...so there...i guess i've found out why i'm afraid...bcos i also have a habit of looking at ppls eyes when i speak...the window to your soul...and i'm afraid ppl will look at my soul and be hurt...that is why...
i shall be silent now...it seems the safest bet...
5/09/2004 03:44:00 ap.
lauantaina, toukokuuta 08, 2004
...isthisme?...
is this me? wondering...who am i to others, really?
You're very creative but never show your work to anyone. You may smile a little but sadness or loneliness surround you and other can feel it when they're near you. You have a dark or unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and you probably have a lot of secrets that you've never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging and unorthidox but the real thing that makes you special is your eyes. Something in them makes them like "Diamonds in the Rough".
5/08/2004 01:58:00 ip.
...frustrated...
i feel frustrated...yup...aft studying at Mac's with the rest...i think SS has the same effect on me as with Ranjani...it makes me pissed...can't fathom, just memorize...at least Geog makes some sense...partly frustrated bcos saw that jerk Zaki...and also bcos went to the wrong place at wrong time...shan't elaborate...
my secrets out...and the wrong person got it...yes, mummy i planned to bake a cake and said some stuff to make you think that i took mama's day lightly...and since i also offered, i'm now doing one for master...siao, i got teased like crazy bcos i said i was there...and then since i nv lie to mummy, the stupid secret got out when she asked what the cake was for...stupid me...haiyoh, at least she knows i don't take things lightly...baking tml...how lovely...
i was stupidly waiting up last night for a reply bcos when i say something i keep my word...then i think how stupid, most prolly abang wont reply...so i logged off at arnd 12...really, blocked lotsa ppl when i was online...so those you didn't see me...you know why...been so pissed...dunno why also...
i feel like screaming my head off...i was laughing just now at Macs which was good...but aft that i bcame really fed up again...stupid stupid stupid me...
had a talk with Rahimi...soo long since we last talked...it was nice dearie...
you know...i dunno what to do with myself...whats the pt of improving when i have no purpose on this earth...stupid stupid stupid me...yes, i'm stupid...nothing goes into the head of mine...its like i can't even write anymore...not the way i used to...feels like i'm saturated...that nothing can go in anymore...and that everything is in such a mess that i can't sort anything out...
differences...been on my mind this whole week...it seems that the diff ones, no matter how diff can be friends...and few of hte normal ones can...its like i'm isolated..too diff that even the diff ones don't understand me...as if i was in a glass ball...and all i can do is look out...but those who look in, can only see me in a distorted manner...i don't look how i would really look like if you see me in the glass ball itself...and the worse thing is...when someone manages to peer through, the sight disgusts them...scares them...confusion...no on knows how to handle what they've seen...worse than a freak show, where ppl actually wish to see how much of a freak you are, and pay money to do so...in my case, ppl don't even want to see me...i've been askde to change...yea, i am trying to...but still the glass ball remains...and so i look distorted...
eyes nv lie...ppl see that...i can't change my eyes...unless i dig them out...take them out with my hands...i'll go blind...then it'll be worse...for no one can see in properly...and i can't see out at all...everything seems so crystal clear to them...bcos they don't assume that the glass is distorting my image...but it is...
i see darkness...i think i'm semi blind already...bcos i see darkness half the time...forgetting myself and laughing feels good while it lasts...but when the laughter subsides...the darkness is there...then i realise...i've been in the darkness so long...even when i was laughing...i wonder it it was hysterical like normal...or whether i managed to laugh normally for once...i truly dunno...i smile...its fake...some ppl know it...others don't...but they said i look better when i smile...i used to say the smile is the window to see whether your heart is at home...i change it now...it only applies when one smiles with ones eyes...my eyes are sad...i know that...they drown in tears when i'm alone...just like my heart drowns in tears...why do i cry one might ask...how can i not cry when i feel bad...when my heart is bleeding and i can't stop it from doing so? how can i not cry when i'm hurt time and time again, without being given any time to heal? i feel numb half of the time...so numb, i dunno if any more pain is being inflicted anymore...i only discover the wounds...and then find that i've lost more...and that hurt i feel so strongly, that i can't help but cry...
i can't find myself...the dark is so bad i put my hand infront of me and then wonder how it looks like now...i could be standing just next to the thing i fear most, and i would not see it...and only feel its presence...its scary...scary to live my life...so uncertaint that it hurts, bcos i'm not perfect..so dark, that i'm afraid that if i tel anyone, i'll pull that person into the darkness with me...and we'll be lost from each other...so much that not only i am lost, but he is lost, bcos he can't see me...or himself...and that means i hurt him, bcos he will be miserable...abang, i hope this ans your questions...i just wish not to hurt you or worry you...if i have to pull through, and do it alone, without hurtin you...taking the full blow...so be it...as long as i don't lose you bcos i hurt you...i'm afraid to take that risk...and admire that you so bravely turned to me and asked me to share...even though it could mean that you'd be hurting with me...it might be more than i am hurting, for all i know...i'm not as brave...i'm a coward...i'm sorry...
i'm brooding right now...over so many things said and so many things done...and wonder what made me fall into this darkness...silence, i don't mind...there's something musical abt it...and anything musical is comforting...but darkness...how will i take it any longer?
5/08/2004 12:31:00 ip.
perjantaina, toukokuuta 07, 2004
..odd...
i thought i fooled abang...i didn't...shoot...i apologise...for trying to fool you...i should have known that you know me better than that...the eyes...they never lie...so you are the second whom i know knows...i'm sorry...
exams start today...means i'm extra hyper and laugh even more hysterically than normal...gave 8 ppl notes today..erm, well...it was interesting...someone came early today...super early...didn't expect it and was surprised...but i received lotsa hugs and kisses in return...so sweet...
ferz paper summary was killer...other than that the vocab was a breeze...everything else was okay i guess...malay paper, did recount...hoping to pass...
eric fared quite well aft my coaching...saw the paper, and his working ans...was good so far...chinese for abang sucked big time...praying that he does well...
break was a mess...couldn't sleep last night, ended up sleeping this aftnoon...madness...its clear that i'm going bonkers...going to die soon...
crimes...interested in them...do have a particular reason...but i aint telling...
i hate life...this just sucks...
5/07/2004 01:09:00 ip.
torstaina, toukokuuta 06, 2004
...adikology...
misunderstood the jealousy...glad it was cleared...
went to study with jani and master...cleared some eng stuff...aisam comes along with isa...then that e-diot...eeeyoh...i hate seeing him...the very sight makes me irritated...was pretty intensive...quite funny also...laughed alot...ATE!! i ate...since no rice for me...seldom mee unless i got the mood...i ate potato! fries to be exact...so yea...very cold...*brr*...
jani went home with the mummy...i walked home with someone else...decline to mention name...just that i hope the talk made you feel better? you're sure of yourself, thats good...but i feel you got some misconceptions...then again, we think in diff manner, so i can't compare...
exam tml...not nervous for the papers tml...but might be for the other papers ahead...very tired...
tired of acting? definitely...but i can't stop...its too automated...scary encounter today caused me to act...jani was surprised i had no reaction...which means she bought my act..if i can fool her, i can fool anyone...scary thought for others...but not for me...whatever it is...even though i fool...when i give my word, i mean it...i hate this gamble called life...no hope...nothing to hope for...
row almost over...but not quite...talking at the top of my voice to avoid the noise...spent my last night thinking again...how stupid i am...how foolish i was to believe that everything will be okay...its never going to...you are right, i have nothing to hope for...thats why i choose the path i choose...wrote long comment abt it on the board today...it may seem stupid to others, but not to me...sensible is also in the eye of the beholder...depends where you are frm, how you were brought up, and the way you were taught to think...the way i think wasn't taught by others though...taught myself...like always...
adikology: the study of how to be a proper adik without upsetting abang...
5/06/2004 12:45:00 ip.
keskiviikkona, toukokuuta 05, 2004
..jealousy or is it something else?
i have a feeling that there is a little jealousy over the making up...yea...someone is jealous...ask me to stay away frm him also...haiyoh...nvm, its all over and i can't be bothered with everything else...as long as things are fine, and our friendship still there, i don't care what others have to say...
headache...this school has a problem managing time...everything runs late...remedials...assembly...even PC in the hall...if you ask us to manage our time well, at least show that the school manages to run on time as well...how can we study effectively, if we hardly have any recess or lunch...take today for example...i had to rush for listening exam (MT) and i had to rush aft that for prac exam (music) and you know what time our Pc ended in the hall? 2.05 pm when we had to report for the first exam at 2.15...i mean pls, we are humans...think of us also, and the fact that the canteen is really small and can't accomodate all the students who all want to grab a bite before class...it is utterly ridiculous....
very very upset over the stupid accusation...but M.K said it was okay, and that i should take it as a compliment that one would think that i would steal a story...my story was too perfect, i should learn to flaw it while i'm still taking exams...no pt being accused again...
this row is simmering down...thank gdness...tired of being sarcastic all the time...then again, i'm always sarcastic...which means i'm also always tired...which i am now...angry also...over the usual stuff...living...esp that...i'm going to do what i want...and i don't care what others say abt it...its not going to be obvious though, so don't try to guess...plans are confidential...btw me myself and i...being vague so no upsets occur...
arguments...btw me myself and i...so many things i'm unsure of...particularly of this new fear..of hurting other ppl...particularly one person...but well...if you insist, i will oblige...and there is that risk...and i warned beforehand...just praying that nothing goes wrong...i will share...i gave my word...don't worry abt that...
this stupid thing going on...as if my heart hasn't been broken and glued bakc together so many times already...so it happens again...they just don't get it do they? i may have to resort to other things...
giving a good act nowadays...only one person doesn't believe me...cus he has a habit of looking into my eyes...so yea...he knows...shan't mention names, only he and i know who he is...btw, good luck with taht prob of yours ar...now's not the time to think abt it lah, do concentrate on your exams first...aft that then maybe can...see how...will help as much as i can...
perfection...means flawlessness...being flawless in my essays...shows i am perfect grammatically when writing...style is still very different...still exploring what is more perfect...still hooked on perfection...sorry...
i can't help but think back and wonder why i wasted my time argueing...now at least i know i'll be pleasnig myself...soon..very soon...
5/05/2004 11:07:00 ap.
tiistaina, toukokuuta 04, 2004
...sigh...
sick of you...yes you...i thought that i was the one who was the whiner...at least when i whine i try to do something abt it...you, you whine and whine and whine and don't do anything abt it...sick of you...really...the way you speak to me...the way you address me...you don't know me though you claim you do...yea right...every word you say shows that you are whining...even when you are angry...i know, when i got angry that i at least take care not to take my anger out on anyone...so what if i hurt myself in the process...i'm used to it...but you? taking your anger out on me really turns me off...sick of it...of your nagging...of getting scolded by you...of all people...please lah, think abt me for awhile...i too have a rep to keep...so stop your nonsense...fed up...i feel just like asking you to f*** off when you open your mouth...you don't want to see me pissed at you, this i warn you...watch your words...and keep those hands of yours to yourself...stop touching me...i hate it...really...
i'm so bloody pissed...at you...at today's "is your story original?" saga this morning...like duh, it is...i write my own stories...face that...i don't plagiarise and do NOT memorize other stories, take an extract, and then write it as my own...thats just wrong...i take pride in my work bcos it happens to be my creation, my baby...so my stories are original...and though they don't SEEM personal to you...they are to me...in an indirect way...bcos i refuse to reveal anything personal anymore...its too dangerous...so DON'T tell me that my story was not original...so it was flawless...so what? aren't all my essays flawless? crap..utter crap...
was sent to sessions again today...i did nothing there..gave vague single words ans to every question...in the end was released aft half an hour...sessions do not work...fed up...
prac coming up tml...going to play for TSH's prac as accompanist...so thats okay...used to it already...
very fed up...sick of the stupid row...
don't want to argue anymore...i might as well go do what i want to do...whether ppl like it or not...and since i have lost one means of doing what i want...i have come up with other means...this is going to be very interesting...
the forgive and forget thingie...finally made up with Abang...hehe...the pic you sent me very the sweet...really...suddenly since we made up, i'm not a slave anymore...too bad master...you can't call me by that name...you'll have to face my abang...still very touched...i would still say i was in the wrong...but in a way, i agree that i got mad at you as well..lets just forget that and move on...start afresh...
Jake: whatever you said abt The Basis...better take it back...do not judge ppl by what they say to others...it might just mean something else to the ppl they said it to...and in this case, i do understand what he means...
anger...i'm angry that i'm alive...sounds weird to others...but to me...it makes perfect sense...why am i? why should i? what the purpose? since i have totally no aim and no value to others, why bother? why do i have to be made to bother? stupid me...i actually believed a long time ago that there was still hope...i see now that that is not the case...really...
thank goodness for those arnd me that i manage my anger and seldom blow up...at most, i cry bcos i'm angry...hot tears..very common with me...and ppl assume i'm sad...sick of the assumptions, accusations, and other stupid comments i get from you guys...esp you...sick of you...get that into your head...
rambu got a pink bike...haha...
5/04/2004 11:32:00 ap.
maanantaina, toukokuuta 03, 2004
...eeee...
SICK OF THIS ROW...
SICK OF HEARING APOLOGIES...
SICK OF BOTHERING...
SICK OF EXAMS...
SICK OF SCHOOL...
SICK OF BEING SICK...
SICK OF HEARING LAMENTS...
SICK OF HEARING PEOPLE WHINING...
SICK OF BEING ME...
eeeyoh...getting on my nerves...
5/03/2004 12:10:00 ip.
...leaping for joy...
forgive and forget...love that phrase...and love tha fact that its happened...lets start afresh...God bless you my friend...
5/03/2004 12:02:00 ip.
...fed up...
was very awake this morning...bcos of the stupid row...and then bcos of that there was yelling...and yelling means a fight...which means me getting irritated at 4 am...and so means me locking myself in my room to make sure i block out the noise...no sleep for me...as per normal...thoughts, strange and scary dreams are all a normal part of my nights...
school today...got back oral results...thank goodness.. got A1...was really, really, really nervous abt it...but i'm satisfied...at least i got A1...wasn't the highest though...need to work on that...make sure i'm the best next time...
sick and tired of argueing with everyone...i shall just go ahead and do what i want to...bcos no matter how much i argue, i still don't get my point across...and i don't understand what they are argueing about...so well...i just do what i want to do...and if anything, i will bear the consequences, not you, my friends...so don't make such a big fuss of what i do...i will face the music in the end, not you on my behalf...
miss ppl...nope, not lovesick...but i dunno why i miss them...whatever...sick of having to feel so irritated all the time...
5/03/2004 09:03:00 ap.
sunnuntai, toukokuuta 02, 2004
...storyofalovesotrue...
a story of a love so true...that one who needs what he gave away for a living...gave it to his true love and walked away...to make sure she did not see his suffering...and so she would not feel guilty...
i teared...watching it...it proved how much one would sacrifice...to see that one's love does not suffer...how sad...how touching...heart wrenching...oh gosh...yes i teared...
what happened here? the row...its still dragging on...and i wonder where the love has gone...i saved the roses...that i dried...and i feel as if whatever was between them bcame just like the dried roses...the scent is there...but oh so faint...and then there is us...stuck in the middle...what can we do but watch, in pain?
this bites...it really does...i woke up this morning feeling as if i was being watched...i read my book last night feeling as if i was being watched...i still feel as if i'm being watched...somehow...it doesn't feel fake at all...i have no fear of being watched for i have nothing to hide...but it doesn't feel right...as if there is someone haunting me...someone, not something...its not a spirit...not a ghost...not a lost soul...i know what their presence feels like...no, this is not the same...what could it be, i wonder...and who is this person...so intent on watching me...only time will tell...
time does NOt heal all wounds...it only makes you forget...and then for only a while...and even then, a small tiny thing can trigger off that memory...infact, as time passes...more wounds are inflicted...never thought of that? well...since that happens, and more wounds occur along the way while you are hoping that time heals your old wounds...it means that you'll never be healed of all your wounds...so don't give me that "time heals all wounds" crap...its nonsense...no one will ever be fully healed...
a story of a love so true...you left me so i would not suffer...you suffered instead...now im suffering without you...
i.feel.your.pain.
5/02/2004 05:29:00 ap.
lauantaina, toukokuuta 01, 2004
..utopia...
currently reading scarlet pimpernel...nice...and alot that proves that this world is so imperfect...dreams are for the foolish...the follish who believe that the world will be what they wish it to be im the end...utopia...yea right...hell is more perfect than the place that these starry eyes dreamers believe will be utopia...foolishness...
went to AK house...she wasn't there however...but AF and AR were...along with MZ and NZ...SA was there...but her bro's and UZ went to the mosque...some things to settle there...did nothing much but watch TV...actually wanted to go somewhere else to roam...but didn't work out...as per normal, my mum insisted on having her own way...whatever...
this row...made our house sandy...bcos he had to go and track sand all over the floor...and then she ended up sweeping it grumpily...so i think the row is going to drag longer...oh great...even more to look forward to...more sarcasm...oh wow...what a great life i have..
apologized to kor...no reaction...waiting for reply...hope you forgive me...i truly am sorry...hope you forgive me...
feeling bitter...very very bitter...i wonder why i bother abt anything anymore...abt life...abt pretending...oh yes...i remember why...bcos of friends...but you know what...i think that my friends have forgotten how difficult it is to put up this act...and then when they find out that i am putting up and act...oh wow...suddenly, i'm in the wrong...hiding what i feel...so what if i do...so many of you i call friends do the same thing...do you think i like pretending? do you think i like being someone i'm not? its so much easier for me to go ahead and take my anger out on every single one of you...to make you feel so bad bcos you know me...but guess what...i dont...one, bcos i love you...two, bcos i don;t think its fair to...and three, bcos when i show the slightest bit of anger towards anyone, i get accused of taking my anger out on you...nono...this is not a result of what happened today...or last night...or in the past few days...this is a result of the many years that i decided to love my friends...whatever...it seems this love is unappreciated...you've been patient with me? guess what...i've been even more patient with so many others...including you...so don't think handling me is a a difficult task...imagine the amount of ppl and secrets that i handle...none i've betrayed so far...i ask you now...who's the patient one?
this whole big mess sucks...i'm usually a messy person...now, i'm messier...oh wow...look what more i have to clean up...myself...plus this big mess...i don't care...i think i should just leave it be this time...i'm tired of cleaning up already...
can't sleep...whatever...so many things in my head that are refusing me sleep that i need...as usual...
5/01/2004 04:42:00 ip.
...make believe...
remember when we were real young...we'd make believe...make believe with me my friend...imagine...that my tears are tears of joy...that my frown is a laugh in disguise...that the world is perfect...and that the crimson stain on your hands is not the blood from my bleeding heart...but wine that we shared during the night in celebration of our happiness...imagine that i'm truly happy...that everything will be okay tomorrow, though we know that is not true...imagine that the killings that happen are all natural deaths...imagine that stealing is borrowing...imagine that misery is bliss...and that the world is perfect...
imagine with me my friend...that we live in utopia instead of this horrible place we call the world...that the hurricanes and tornados are all a sweet breeze that carry our troubles away...that the scorching sun is nothing but a gentle warmth upon our skin...imagine that the freezing, bitter cold, is nothing but a cool wind to cool our hot cheeks after our play...that the tumult around that hurts our ears is nothing but a sweet silence that embraces us...that diseases are blessings...that deaths are tragedies...imagine that everything is okay...
5/01/2004 04:40:00 ap.
...fed.up.idontknowhowtolove...
that stupid row has been going on too long...irritation...ya...argue and don't give a damn abt how the three of us feel...treat us as if we can't do anything...so what if we can't itsup to you as adults...but no...you still wan't to drag this -bleep- row on and on...you want to work it out or not...of you claim that you want to...but are you doing anything to make sure that this is over...no...you claim the other should make the first move...heck this...i'm so irritated that they leave us stuck in the middle...and then expect us to relay messages to one another bcos you aren't speaking to one another...this is absolutely ridiculous...
no...i don't know how to love the little things in life...i don't know how to love life...thats true...not bcos i didn't in the first place...its bcos i lost my love for it...forget loving the small stuff...they are just a distraction...from reality...in the end, you stil have to face reality...and turn away from your imaginings and dreams...thre's no point in having the small things in life...
jake: whoever you are...i appreciate your advice...i don't know if i know you or if i don't...and if you wish not to reveal your true identity, i don't mind...indeed, reading this blog is a sad experience...bcos life is a sad experience in itself...like it or not it is...so many tragedies occur in life...so many hardships...everything you have to face has something bitter in it...bcos you can never have it all...in my case...it seems the bad perpetually outweighs whatever good there is...
loving...i found what i love...my friends...and no...i will never be a burden again...esp since i've been saying that so many times beforehand...warned and warned...and then when i did allow myself to rest my heavy head on your shoulder...you found the weight too much to bear...don't blame me now if i keep things from anyone...bcos i remember the times when i was so sad, yet kept everything inside...it prevented ppl from getting hurt...it prevented my friends from gettnig hurt...and the only person i has hurt was me...i can't bear anymore to allow myself to be a burden and hurt others anymore...bcos it caused more hurt to me...even when i was already hurting...enough of this tell me and pour out your vows...there is no point in hurting you further...and in the process, hurting myself even more...i'm sorry...i do this bcos i love you...as a friend...
what happened to all the times we had...when i kept quiet and let you be happy...and though i was crying inside, i could still smile for you...for you were happy...and it made me love your smiling face even more...
5/01/2004 02:03:00 ap.