I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
sunnuntai, huhtikuuta 25, 2004
...upset...
feeling upset today...actually since last night...had a conversation with rambu...sweet of you to listen dearie...and i'm feeling upset because of the fact that i'm trying so hard to please someone...and do that person's bidding...but somehow, it doesn't work...and the person is upset anyways...and i wonder, how can i ever make this person pleased...if i am doing what this person wants me to do...to see this person upset, makes me upset...and i'm disappointed that i can't please this person...useless me...useless me...
i've been trying to contact kor, but he isn't free...or he's busy...or he's avoiding me...which seems to be the case...haiz...probably since he's upset as well...
to please everyone is difficult...to please one who wants you to please yourself as well is impossible...especially when the person you want to please is an optimist at heart, but claims to be a pessimist...and on top of that wants you to open up...but is not happy with what he sees when you do...i warned you...told you that i'm afraid you might not be able to bear the sight of my dark soul...to bear to hear of my dark thoughts...and you still asked me to...for you care, i understand...but still, i care for you as well...take that into consideration...why else would i have asked you if you were sure you wanted me to tell you my thoughts, and show myself...i trust you so much, that i've never trusted anyone else as much before...i did...and i'm afraid, i've caused your feelings to be hurt...its eating me inside to think that i've made you upset...and yet, though i know it was your choice to, i feel as if i'm carrying the responsibility...as well as all the blame...
chatted with marcus this morning...thank you, but well...i don't want you to feel sorry for me...it makes me feel as if i had caused your feelings to be hurt...don't ever feel bad for me...smile instead ya?
actually supposed to go see Jae today with oke...he thought i didn't know and asked if we could go "dating" this aftnoon...too bad, i knew before you did...no tricks there...in the end didn't go cuz Jae didn't know what time we could go over to see her...so she said she was busy and we didn't go...was looking forward to going...but there...just another example of how life ALWAYS causes disappointment...always...
whats the point of looking to the future if you know that there are going to be so many bad things ahead...ppl say that every dark cloud has a silver lining...i think thats a load of crap...its every fine cloud that has a potential to turn into a dark cloud into the first place...and it always happens..what about the silver lining you ask? the silver in the dark cloud is the lightning waiting to strike you down...just proves another point...no good comes without a bad thing hiding within...wolf in sheeps clothing...
i hate having to live this life...so what if i'm 16...so what if pl tell me i might have another 50 yrs ahead of me...ppl tell me its a gift to live...i'd give this gift to anyone else who is more appreciative of it...give all my organs to those who need it...now...not when i die...i never asked for this life...i don't want it...and i think i don't deserve it either...someone more deserving, more useful, more perfect should have this life...what's my point in living anymore...
thanking rambu again for having a listen to me last night...was really very "funny" for that period of time...at least it stopped me from doing anything that would further dissapoint kor and abang...and i think you as well...love ya loads...
4/25/2004 09:00:00 ap.