I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
lauantaina, huhtikuuta 10, 2004
...up n down my backy wacky...
yes...pains back...argh...and when did it chose to attack? band prac...darn...as usual, i dun have my pain killers with me...so yea...i ended up on the floor...trying to get the stress off my back..it helped...esp with hazirah there by my side...love ya darlz...she really speaks like a nurse...chose the right course for herself...gd fer ya...mish ya lotz...
huda also was there..sec 2 one...love ya too...
ah...today was a crappy day...i came to school late for physics by 5 minutes...then halfway, sally comes up and me and hui ping have to go for prac...lack of ppl it seems...argh...and as soon as we got in, have that mr masri inside...i hate going for band prac nowadays bcos of him...prefer mr chew by a mile...anyways...the prac was crappy cos i was sitting wrongly...oopz...and so my back started acting up...and then we had sectionalz...and then i talked some with hazirah while i was on the floor...
went home...haiyoh..usual drill...pain killers...shower...sleep...woke up like so late...
i really feel like whacking someone right now...i dunno...anyone, whom i can whack...funny feeling...very overwhelming...yes...i dunno what to do...but whack someone...argh...today is so fricking crappy...
i hate myself...been thinking abt what happened...no...i'm not ready to talk...so sorry...sessions on tues will go to waste...bcos i aint talking...nope..not a chance...and thank goodness...its during the band prac...so i will see less of mr masri...but well...yea, it will be a waste...perhaps i just shouldn't bother abt sessions...but that will make my friend angry..i know, he'd like me to go...but well...its really a waste...perhaps, if he could witness it himself...he's know...but he's prolly to busy to accompany me...yea..so i dunno...i should just go...not for sessions...but in another way...he prolly knows what i'm talking abt...
i'm feeling hurt...that my presence isn't appreciated by you...no...not the earlier friend in the previous para...another friend...i will call you 'confusion'...
so confusion...i name you thus bcos you really cause that...i feel as if you are playing with my feelings...like a child, who has something really soft like plasticine...and he just held it...but has no idea what to do with it...and he tried to change its original shape...but the shape is not practical...and it does not hold...and flops sideways...and then the child gets frustrated...and thrusts it aside...only to pick it up and play with it again for amusement...as and when you like...i dunno confusion...there's been so many things that i want to say to you...to tell you...but fear is holding me back...fear that i will get hurt...that you'll get angry...that we'll argue...yes...you are the one whom i write abt always...the person that i know...
i know that you are confused...so am i....and i agreed to help you...i promise...i always will be here for you....whether you are there for me or no...bcos well...i dunno how to let go...of someone i care for so much...even if you don't care for me...or would forget me...i will never be able to...bcos of the impact you made on my life...loving you seems to painful right now...but what can i do...but wish you happiness....and hope that maybe...one day...you'll lose that confusion you have in you...and be that carefree...funny...wise...yet wierd person i used to know...
i miss you...i pine for you...do you feel the same?
4/10/2004 12:32:00 ip.