I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
lauantaina, huhtikuuta 24, 2004
...tired...
i'm half dead...nope...three quarters dead...one, bcos i didn't get enough sleep...two, bcos i woke early only to go to school for Physics...and three, bcos i spent half the night crying...crying, err bcos i was not feeling well...i felt sick...and also since i talk to kor but he seemed a tad bit annoyed, so i felt more sad...then i talk to abang who also ended up annoyed i think, and thought i was bring difficult...so well...it got me depressed since i was trying NOt to be "funny" for the both of them...and then since my abang got annoyed and didn't ans me, so well...i cried the rest of the night till i slept arnd 1 or 2 am...
woke up in quite a bad mood...went to school yadayadayada...had band prac aft oral...spent some time in o level prac room during some prac and melody writing...then came down to watch the juniors do drills...that cheered me abit...then saw abang who laughed at me then gazed at me...nottinotti...haiyoh you, i cry the nite bcos i thought you angry with me and all you could do was grin? thank gdness i'm your adik and not anything else ar...if i was i prolly dump you by now...but an adik like me always forgive her abang...so yea...don't gaze at me you...you....you...you abang you!
whoopi goldberg said this once..normal is in the eye of the beholder...and what is normal to me may not be normal to you...for the singaporeans and the finns, going to school is normal...to children in Africa and South America, it is a privilege to go the school...to me, its normal to hide my thoughts and feelings from others...for others, its not the case...for me, its normal to hate...to others, no...don't tell me i'm different...in my eyes, you are different...everyone is different...
sadness...hate...sorrow...ppl call them negative emotions...negative means to different from the positive...does positive always mean good? i don't think so...so why label such feelings negative? crying is normal to me...crying can be good...but others don't share my view...do't get me wrong...i don't like to cry...my reasons for crying are always what ppl negative...but crying bcos one is tired...just to relieve stress...is that so wrong...i'm afraid to cry nowadays...i can't even cry unless i'm hidden from view...if i cry in school, i go home and am accused of giving a bad name...that i am trying to say there are problems at home...that my family is dysfunctional...i've been accused before...if i cry at home...ppl tell me i'm crazy, bcos i cry for no reason...do you know how difficult it is...to have so many feelings pent up inside that to express them in words is not enough? to have those feelings, yet not be able to show them, for fear of more accusations and scoldings...and beatings...i repeat...beatings...if my parents manage to read this, i'm in hot soup...bcos among all the ppl that i hope don't judge me...they are at the top of the list...even simple tears...to have that one time that you can cry without caring who sees...and of accusations...is impossible...if i can't even cry in peace, what makes you think this world is peaceful? the fact is, i don't like living in such an imperfect world...bcos its neither peaceful...or at war...if it can't be either black or white...and is an uncertain grey...what is the point of dreaming anymore...
i'm tired of this uncertainty....i'm tired of dreaming of dreams that will never come true...and will only come true if one things occurs...but this one thing i'm being denied now...why...i'm tired of trying to pry the answer to my one question out of the ppl i know...i didn't say i want perfect bliss did i? i didn't say my perfection has to be good/positive did i? i just said perfection..don't jump to conclusions...
i want my simple tears...that perfect cry...but even that i am denied...what do i have if i don't even have that...
4/24/2004 12:40:00 ip.