I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
keskiviikkona, huhtikuuta 28, 2004
...screw up...
i screwed up my music MYE paper...oh great...again...another thing i can't do right...the surprising thing was that without any preparation whatsoever...i still managed to answer a fair bit...meaning...if i had been aware...i wouldn't have screwed it up...darn...
had a ultra loong chat with master on the phone last night...frankly...i really got no sleep last night bcos i ended up thinking so much that i couldn't sleep properly...and i also had another bad dream abt A...and also our conversation triggered off what i call my "lonesome loneliness"...i miss lonesome...how i wish instead of dreaming of A...i had a nice dream of lonesome...its been too long...since hearing lonesome's voice...being in lonesome's arm in a big bear hug...the very one that always cheers me up...i'm sick of not seeing his face for long periods of time...the last time i saw him was like a month ago...he's seldom online...he can't call...and he stays to far away...i don't have the heart to drag him all the way here to see me for a short lunch...from the west side to the east side...its a long way to travel...esp since he's taking O's with me...how difficult can things get for us...in his own words...this is so "ma fan"...i know dear...i know
also abt that particular conversation...i think i pretty much made master confused...but then its even...cos i was confused from start to end...i've no idea what his pt was...whatever it was...its nice of you to care...and since i just realised how bad you are at sticking to a pt...or making one in the first place...this means i need to brush up and drill you for ENG Paper 1...which is coming soon...no failing from you...
still on that conversation...tried to be myself today...bcos of it...so i was...guess what...i failed miserably...bcos i'm so used to smiling at ppl when they smile at me no matter what i feel...its so automatic...i've gotten so used to hiding...i don't know how to come out anymore...yes, yes...i know what you are going to say...TIME...yadayada...i know what you meant...i understood that part...now it comes to how to apply it...like it or not...i really don't know how to do that...so i can't help but expect things to blow over soon...since ppl tell me they would...
pleasing others is still something i can't let go of...i don't please myself when i please others...though you might say that i do...but i don't...bcos the ppl i please all have different ways of thinking than me...and no, master, its not called being selfish towards yourself...no such terms ever...what you meant was not being able to care for myself...thats true...i admit i don't know how to care for myself...i can, however, think for myself...if you think i can't...go ask the ppl from band...i'm sure they will tell you i do...
the rest of the things you want to tell me...i can't understand...sorry...takes a long time for me to comprehend such things...i might just end up studing philosophy...the big question..."what is life?"...i don't think anyone has a feasible ans to that yet...if i live long enough that is...
i don't feel any better...being myself that is...i still feel miserable...and why...bcos even when i am myself...i don't know how to be happy...just hyper...hyper does not equal to happy...most of the time it means i'm restless and irritated...which makes me more miserable...so being happy...not accomplished...i wonder if i'll ever end up happy enough to smile sincerely...
i lost the meaning of a smile...what do i do now?
4/28/2004 10:30:00 ap.