I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
torstaina, huhtikuuta 29, 2004
..pendulum effect...
okay...i admit i wasn't myself today...ultra hyper...and laughing at everything...felt so irritated when i came home later...and towards the later part of the day was really really sarcastic towards everything and everyone...fed up thats why...i really really am too afraid to be myself right now...if i am...what happens will be whats has happened twice before...meaning...people get upset...i don't like that to happen...all that does is to add on more weight to the burden i carry right now...and make everything more complicated...and then give me responsibility to bear, and more apologies to make...this is so sickening...
of course i'm fed up...how can i not be...the one who is near refuses to speak...the one who is far simply can't speak...and the one who is neither far nor near at all is a mix of both...then there is another who is near, speaks but then never makes a solid point...so much so that half the time i do not understand what's being said...
school..."she rolls" was totally hilarious...everything else, just to mask what i wanted to say...oral was supposed to help time...but then the teacher came, so i just went to library to read...another aftnoon spent being disappointed...own oral exam tml...i NEED to ace this one...i can't afford not to...not afraid though, quite confident abt getting at least a B3...but i NEED an A1...hoping a miracle happens...
i've had ppl tell me i'm morbid...seriously, i don't think i am...i just happen to be one of the few that find death beautiful...refuse to fear it...and find dying useful...think abt it...the world is overpopulated already...make space for those who need a chance...who WANT that chance...there's one way of thinking abt it...that early death is a tragedy...then there's my way...early death means less sins committed...less hardship faced...the longer you live, the mroe you are going to commit sins...face it...its impossible for you NOT to sin in your whole lifetime...unless you died as an infant...death...brings about good...and few people like to admit that...
The Basis: Accepting myself as i am? finding that so impossible...there's too many negative things abt me to accept...i could end up like the criminals who aren't even bothered abt the way they act...the murderers who don't care...bcos they say " oh, i just happen to be like that"...nope...not good...its either i improve myself...or i don't...and if i happen not to be able to improve myself...and end up striving so hard to do so but not ending up anywhere...then i see no point to moving on...in accepting myself...for i can't even change myself for the better...i do however, have a different way of thinking from other people...everyone does, in a way...but aft many many conversations with many many people...i find it odd that others don't accept the way i think...don't share the same views on certain issues like me...though i manage to explain and prove my way is either true, or partly true...it is still unaccepted by so many...
the resting post...i agree...i've loved, hated...and also been very very angry most of my life...angry at myself...the last time i was truly, truly happy? a looong time ago...sometime in my childhood...which felt really bitter throughout to me...the fact is, i've bcome so good at pretending everything is okay that i'm tired of pretending...and when i don't pretend...well, it feels like everyone else is pretending and i am not...the world is not good...life will never be good...all i can do is either love or hate...and the be happy again...i don't think i will be again...in mdm kamisah's words "life does not get any easier from here"...if it feels so difficult that i can't feel happy now...then it would be foolish to believe it would be so later on in life...i false hope...i can't afford that...not after foolishly hoping that everything would be okay...where did it get me to now? everything will never be okay...
and the "to be perfect is to be dead" thing...learnt it from mr chew...he said it to the band once a long time ago...its true...there is no way that you can be perfect unless you are dead...and what everyone thinks is my prob is that i want to be perfect...me clever? i don't agree...if i were so clever...why can't i even figure out what the point to live is when everyone else can so efforlessly?and my future? what future? how can i be sure that i will have a future? i might not even be living tml, if God wishes to take me...to secure something just in case, yes, its impt...but still...what is the definition of a bright future? i've seen people who's income do not exceed a thousand Sing dollars...and they are happy...and i've seen people who have a good job, and enough to support themselves and their family...have comfort...have that "bright future"...and they are miserable...so how do you know which is better?
alot discussed...and i don't know if everything is understood...hope it is...i've tried to explain myself once again...unfortunately, the previous attempts were all in vain (like everything else)...this last time...might be different...i don't know...i just don't anymore...
4/29/2004 12:11:00 ip.