I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
sunnuntai, huhtikuuta 11, 2004
...nonsense...
nonsense...running thru my head...i dunno what to do...bcos it aint constructive nonsense...its 'funny' nonsense...yea...i knew it would happen...
i wish i could go back...to the time when the land seemed so perfect...there were no footprints on this field of snow...the winter's nights were spent huddled by the fireside...a steaming cup of coffee and a book to keep me company...the soft breathing of my family...its gone...the rain came in my windows...a thunderstorm...no friendly patter on my windows...they burst open...blown by the strong wind...lightning flashed...blinding me...the thunder drowns out my cries...the fires out...its cold...my cup spilt...my family gone...i'm alone...in the rain...with nothing to look to...no hope...no one...and the strangers that pass me by on the street...they look at me...and i realise...they are no strangers...they are the people i call friends and family...some toss coins...out of pity...but pass me by anyway...hurrying away...
those who bid me speak...they listen with shut ears...so my cries...they are still unheard...silence...its the best bet...something i can trust...but even silence can be lonesome at times...it may be pregnant...yes...it is....but there is no one there in this silence...but me...and the presences...that appear once in a while...what does one do with presences...they are no voices in my head...for if they were, i'd know what they wanted...but they are something indefinable...that i can't explain...you just know...that they are there...but their purpose...and what they want are unknown...what does one do then...and who will believe me if i told them...
cruel kindness...sometimes...ppl who are kind...are so kind that they seem cruel...i'm sorry i put it this way...but it really does seem so...and sometimes, those who seem cruel...say they are trying to be kind by doing so...no...its not the same, though it may seem like it...only if you've experienced this you'd know...
4/11/2004 04:10:00 ap.