I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
perjantaina, huhtikuuta 23, 2004
...lost hope...
i once told my kor that i lost my smiley mask...and my hope from my heart...and he told me to go look in the lost and found corner...you know what kor? i can't find the frickin lost and found corner...but i found my smiley mask...or rather made a new one...i haven't found my hope...and my ladder still looks endless...i'm afraid to climb...i don't want to climb...and my dearest master eric and my anchorman rambu...i'm so sorry...i'm a coward...a failure...and there is no way you can change it around...cowards like me never do anything because we screw everything up...everytime...
today had my lunch...with my abang and master...aiyoh...so much until i cannot finish...waste my abang's money...eh abang, sorry i hit your head ar...didn't know that you didn't like ppl to mess your hair...tak sengaja...but well...i did prove to you how fruitless it would be to have lunch with me...bcos yes...i will say it, no "shh" frm you okay...i'm useless...so useless i can't even eat a meal properly like you guys...even if you were talking abt things that could make ppl lose their appetite...
someone told me today that my blog entries could make him cry...guess what my dear friend...its the reality...its the real me that you don't see at school...thats why i don't reveal my self...bcos it upsets ppl...i don't believe that the world is all good and nice...its is NOT...take a look at me for example...i'm not good...i'm not nice...there's nothing positive about me besides the love i have towards others...i can't even love myself...
i write abt hate...but never hate towards others besides myself...even hate towards A is unreasonable...i hate having to encounter him...but no, i do't hate him...just fear...anyways...hate...its been present, for a long time...a ticking time bomb...i can feel the hate grow more everyday...and i don't know when its the next time i will break down...scars on my heart...they will never heal...and though ppl might think me selfish for wanting to do things...i tell the ppl this...i have to even smile to not upset you...is that selfish? is it selfish to love others truely and honestly, and not love yourself at all...it is selfish, to pretend to be happy...no matter how tiring it is, so that ppl don't get upset, alarmed, and worried? i'm breaking down....and guess what i'm accused of...of being selfish...you know what...i give myself so much to others so that their feelings are not hurt...at least if i do this one thing...i will be doing it for myself for a change...
sorrow in my heart...
like my own blood has turned to ice shards
and is piercing me...
my heart strings are a mess...
pulling so hard, they make my heart constricted...
its difficult to live...
its tiring to breathe...
i give myself so honestly...
and get accusations in return...
and now, besides the ice inside me
there's ice from the outside...
they pierce my flesh...
and the crimson liquid flows...
and freezes as it surrounds me...
all i see is hate and worry...
and none of the love i give in return...
i'm stuck in this cold hard ice block...
the life i used to know...
so carefree and happy...
was my childhood...
eons ago...
is gone in a twinkling...
ancient history...
my rose coloured glasses are gone...
and the real world i see hurts me...
i hate...
just as the world has...
if i could let go...
just as many have before...
would be bliss...
perfection...
what can i do to attain it?
4/23/2004 09:52:00 ap.