I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
perjantaina, huhtikuuta 23, 2004
...knowing...
i just realised how easily ppl pass judgement...stop your accusations...stop telling me that i am not doing things right...stop telling me that i don't know how to think straight...how would you know...that i am the one thinking straight, and you are the ones who aren't? how would you know...what i'm thinking if you are not me? how would you know why i think the way i do...if you haven't lived my life and seen the things i've seen? felt the way i felt? cried the way i cried? how would you know? only God knows...how would you know, if you aren't God? how would you know? tell me before passing your accusations...before telling me that i'm not thinking straight...that i'm too negative...that i've no right to feel the way i feel...only God can tell that to me...and that is not the case...why should i believe in what you say, if God does not say it is so as well? tell me why?
i just talked to kor..bcos i was feeling "funny"...and i know its true...kor and abang will not always be there to help me through...but while they are...can't they? i feel like crying...so bad...but i hold back everything...in hopes that everything will end soon...everything including me...
its is a crime...i know that...you don't have to tell me what i've researched on...you don't have to tell me the consequences...i'm FULLY aware...so stop that stupid thing...i hang on for one reason now...but i don't know if i can hang on much longer...don't tell me its easy to...one reason against so many...what if i lose hope even with this reason...my reason is my abang and my kor...if i lose hope even with them as a reason...then i won't be able to hang on anymore...my heart is heavy...too heavy...
i wish i could see my childhood again...
and discover the reason to be happy...
the discover that secret that brings joy...
to every child in the world...
but where has that joy gone?
the optimism?
that hope?
that faith...
that life would be worth living?
it has disappeared...
without a trace from my heart...
my soul so light...
has turned so dark...
my warmth...
has cooled in the night...
the me i used to love...
i found suddenly unlovable...
i can't love myself anymore...
because i don't know how...
and though it may make me unworthy of being loved...
it can't stop me from loving...
a miracle...
so beautiful i can't describe...
for any words would be too pale a description...
so what do i do now besides let my tears fall...
wet my cheeks...
and seek for the non existent solution...
in this empty darkness...
looming ahead of me...
4/23/2004 01:36:00 ip.