I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
maanantaina, huhtikuuta 05, 2004
...confusion...
i know, i know...i haven't been blogging lately...i just don't feel like it...and especially since other things have happened...yes...silence seems my best friend now...a real best friend...cus its not empty...it doesn't say anything...eveyrthing is going on...and the silence is filled...not with sound...but other things...that only the silence and me will know...
haven't been feeling too good...yea...thurs was sessions...and i din say anything...every question went unanswered...or had a one word answer...and i refused to say anything lar...just silence and me...
fri was further crap...just nonsense ar...mock test went down the drain...
sat was x country...ran for fun...most of the way lar...consistent jogging...not really running...got position 53...could have done better but well...i din really want to care at that pt in time...aft that was hell...we had to like squat and my back was giving so much prob i started to cry...and we weren't allowed to stand...so in the end dee and fit went to tell mr shafiee...and i got to stand...later dee, and ranjani accompanied me...then i had to mobilize the spine awhile...meaning lie down...at the void deck...desperate measures.....the alvin comes along...and membingit ar...he went " what? back pain? ah...dun eat some more lar...dun eat!"...haiyor...but i understand...it was concern...nothing else...later he send me home also...thank you friend...you were a dear...
that day something set my mind in a whirl...i was standing at the back waiting to go home...in pain...when A comes and approaches me...ohgoodness...and he asked why i canot squat and whether i was okay...so there i was, crying half out of fear and half out of pain...scaryscary...i'm still afraid...though he did show that he aint no criminal...yet...fear is still present...i wonder why...
i baked a cake...stupid me...went cycling...and played badminton...all on sunday...it was rainy...i din know what i wanted...circling the park for at least an hr...i really dunno...
monday...thats today...was generally bad...i felt bad...and i dunno why...i'm pining for someone...and i think that that someone is not really happy with me right now...also there's that confusion bcos of A...and then btw me and my other friend...no...its not a clear cut friendship problem...i dun think its a problem at all...just that...it makes me feel empty...not havin that one true friend that i can tell everything to...and it makes me embrace the silence more...
to this friend i love...
you truly don't know how much i love you...i love you more that i can describe in words...and sometimes, when we can't talk...i feel as if there is so much emptiness...and nothing else but the silence to embrace...i know that sometimes my words may hurt you...but do you know how many times you've broken my heart....disappointed me...and hurt me...i don't think you do...because everything was unintentional...your words hurt me so many times...and i've sobbed...not cried...
sobbed...bcos of what you've said sometimes...but still...i love you...it could be a matter of choice...but i don't think its that...its genuine, pure love...and care...and
concern...for someone who i hope gives me the same...yes...i want to understand you...to know you...to look into the depths of your heart...so that i can understand...and help you...just like you wish to when it comes to me...but at this pt in time...i feel as if you have closed your heart to me...to love and be loved in return...yes...its important...but love without communication...without understanding...its empty...i love you...always remember that...and i cannot imagine the world...or my life without you...for at this point in time...i cling to you...for life...for love...for understanding...to understand me...i have to understand you...let me in...and don't shut me out anymore...and always love me...just as i do you...
yes...its you i'm pining for...for we haven't talked properly lately...and i think that we should...please...
4/05/2004 10:36:00 ap.