I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
perjantaina, huhtikuuta 16, 2004
...apple...
oh gosh...i feel dead...yep...came home late bcos of crescendo rehearsal...and well...i know how to do a lip slur now...or what i call a smear...so cool ar...anyways...we finished late...and we also learned the joys of working with AC...so funnn...well...i know the band used to hate him alot when we were doing SYF...and I know that some seniors also have this prejudice against him...but hey...i've worked with him ever since my ferz musical moments, then aft that the OO for woodwind ensemble...and aft that for SYf...now its my last ye, and i'm working with him...and guess what...its GREAT...yesh...i miss GKC cos our band loves him for the cute person he is...but AC is so much fun, i can't help but side him on this one...nono...i've not been hypnotized...and its not that i don't want GKC back...but well...i find i learn alot from AC...esp abt Jazz...its so me...
aiyoh...another apple encounter...i didn't expect it to be this close...this time...i actually plucked up my courage to speak when spoken to...and guess what...i'm STILL afraid...what is it going to take to make myself un-afraid...its scary, yes it is...and guess what...the apple was so close it brushed past me...and was next to me at my feet...err...i flinched when he not looking...and moved aside, so that my feet were a bit further...and so well...i still didn't feel comfy...and a joke...it was supposed to tease me...but well...it didn't work? geez...i'm a coward...i know i know...Alvin will say "shh...stop spouting nonsense"...but hey, even Evan's called me one before, so what can i say besides that i am one...and i don't care anymore...i'm not going to bother what anyone says about my habits...i am going to continue doing what i do...so LEAVE ME ALONE AND SHUT UP ABOUT IT...i only talk about it to one person...and i would talk abt it to another dear friend of mine if he only promises not to leave me when i need him the most...
i'm not pining anymore...bcos i'm positive of something...that "confusion" is not angry, irritated or fed up with me...and neither has confusion given up on me...its just that well...we had a talk, and i guess we lost touch during that period of time, but aft talking...we are close again...and we understand...
"lonesome"...are you coming for the concert...if so...pls contact me yahz? i need to get you the tics...btw...can give me one of your cuddly bear hugs when i see you? i'll bend down to take a pic i promise, so i wont look taller than you...than you wont be so embarassed ar...girl taller than you...hehe...miss you...
what would you do if you knew that I were afraid? would you try to make me un-afraid...or would you try to make me more afraid? I'm very bully-able i know...and i also am very sensitive...so would you take advantage of that...do you even know about my fear? if you know who you are...try to tell me...online pls...bcos its too scary to face you in person...
what does one do when they lose the ability to give a genuine smile? bcos they have to fake one everytime to make others at ease? I'm not valuable anymore...useless...existence is hard to fathom...survival is pointless...hypothermia is setting in...but yet, i haven't lost the ability to love others around me...and though the frost is eating me from the outside...my heart is still beating...and warm...and though i'm shivering...i don't dare to go back into the warmth...bcos i'm afraid that if i do...then i will melt into liquid and never solidify again...and my heart, the one solid part of me...will lie in the open...trying in vain to take cover...bcos there is no cover anymore...never reveal everything...so why not just reveal nothing...and play it safe? is that so difficult to comprehend?
4/16/2004 11:07:00 ap.