I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
tiistaina, huhtikuuta 27, 2004
...apologies...
i apologize to one and all...for being me...the world is not ready for the real me...not my family, not my friends...and definitely not those nearest to me...how can i ever be me in peace...ans...never...i don't even know why i'm around if all i ever do is causeupset...simply by allowing myself to take a break from this pretence...and to be myself...whats the purpose of me being alive if i can't even do that...you tell me...
to the person who got really pissed at me...i told you i don't self mutilate...and i don't...even when you lose hope i don't...and i wouldn't do anything because you lost hope...because i've seen you pick yourself up so many times...that i believe that you always will...so if you don't care anymore its fine...and if you give up on me its fine...i still look to you for motivation...because of the love i have for this brother of mine...and if you don't have even a tiniest bit of love for me, and don't regard me as a friend even...its fine...i'll still look up to you...i'm sorry i even thought of telling you what was on my mind...perhaps i was testing the waters...to see how i would agree with the rest of the world...i know now how its like...
to my abang...i apologize bcos i showed the true me to you...and bcos i thought you'd be ready for it...i wonder why you said you were that day...and told me that you'd accept me for whoever i am...but i now know that if even you can't bear to hear my thoughts...or look at the real me...then i shouldn't attempt telling my thoughts, or of whats in my heart to anyone...still love you as my abang though...and can't bear to see you upset...it gives me more hurt on top of the ones i'm carrying now...don't ever think that the help you've given me is of no value...it is...you've covered more...and i've changed more...with your help, like with no one else before...do not be daunted by the large amount that you haven't been able to cover yet though...i'm sure i can cover it, with your help...but slowly...things don't happen as quickly as you like with me...if you want me to make it to where you want me to...then i'll need to do it with you...but only if we do it slowly together...
to my dearest rambu to whom i talked to last night...thank you for listening and debating and giving me good answers to my questions...i guess so far...you are the only one who has been able to look at me...really look into my heart...see my thoughts...and not flinch in the process...i thank you for being there for me...when i really need someone and no one else is around...and thank you, especially for the fact that you listen patiently and do not judge me by what may seem strange to you...i really appreciate it...
the knot in my heart has gotten tighter...the wounds on it larger...and the number of times i cry per day higher...no...i don't cry for anyone...i cry for myself...because it seems no matter how hard i try to achieve something...i just can't...particularly this issue of pleasing myself and the others around me...its just not possible...i really feel like pleasing myself...but i made a promise to my abang...a promise i intend to keep this time...for the one thing i can't lose right now are the people who have let their hearts cry for me...not neccesarily shed tears...but be worried time and again and wished me happiness...truly...
so yes...i feel like letting the tears just run down my cheeks...but you know i don't actually have the freedom to do that...and it makes the know in my hearts even more tighter...i can't bear it much longer now...slowly...its tightens everyday...by just that tiny bit...and now this huge bit last night...no one could probably feel the way i do right now...upset, sad, angry, sorrowful, hopeless...everything...i guess...useless ppl like me have no hope...
i lost my key to happiness...i lost my true smile...maybe thats why i can't take a pic without screwing it up...it hurts, to see those around you...so sure of whats happening...and you want to tell them...stop stop...why be sure...because everything is so uncertain...you'll never be sure that something unexpected will happen...and if it does, you see their hearts shatter...but you just can't tell them that their hopes will be dashed...because it will hurt their feelings...
i used to think that everything would be okay...it had to be...one day...but i know that things will never be okay...why dream that they would be? in fact, why dream at all...your dreams will never come true...call me pessimistic...i don't care...isn't that always the case...for those who had their dream come true, was it exactly how you dreamed it to be? no...the fact is that it never will...don't dream...you'll only be disappointed again...and again...and again...and once your heart has been shattered as many times as mine...then you'll know...there really is no hope in this world...don't think there is...
i got to cry last night...and i cried in school today...lost hope again...i just don't get it...my entire life has been nothing but pleasing those around me...so to please myself...just this once...is it so very wrong? why...do the people i've tried to please...the very people that i smile at everyday to keep them from worrying...call me selfish...just bcos i want to please myself...this once...i know i sound bitter so often...its not by choice...if i could find the way to be happy...to know how to love life like others do...to learn how to love myself...i would...but unfortunately, i don't know how to learn it myself...and i don't know who can help me with it...sorry...
one more interesting thing happened today...someone saw someone looking at me...at the ps during recess...i shan't say who this someone who was looking at me was...but somehow...it makes me feel a bit uncomfy...why look at me...what is there to see in my sad eyes...besides something that might hurt you...if you know who you are...and you are reading this right now...tell me...give me a reason...for gazing at me...for i'm afraid...bcos the way you look at ppl when they talk to you...if you looked into my eyes in that manner...what you see might just hurt you...and i think you know it as well...tell me...what is it that you seek...by looking at me? tell me in person...perhaps...it will ans a few of the many unanswered questions that i have in my heart...
i apologize again...but i'm hurt though...for i've found out the number of people that love me for me...that number is zero...
4/27/2004 11:22:00 ap.