I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
keskiviikkona, huhtikuuta 07, 2004
...anger...
i'm angry...i'm furious...not at my friends...not bcos of family...not bcos of my work...bcos of me...i'm more than angry...i have this burning hate within me rite now...itchyscratchy...i must, i must...and i have, i have...and i will...yes...i definitely will...i'm not referring to anything...so don't jump to conclusions...what i'm referring to is know only to me...and me alone...the reason i get into trouble...bcos someone is reading my blog...jumps to conclusions...and then blames EVERYTHING on me...yea...i hate myself already...make it worse then...i don't mind...but what bothers me is that you jump to conclusions...face reality...YOU DON'T KNOW ME...only one person does...and that person is far away...and if you don't know me...don't try to guess the meaning of my words...yes, i know i'm vague...so what...its a way to express myself...so stop trying to guess...i will nv ever say what's on my mind directly...so SHUT UP...
okay...pining for...yea...still pining for my friend...its so difficult when you can't meet bcos not in the same school you know...very difficult...out care, concern and love for each other can't be expressed directly...and its very difficult to do indirectly...yea...friend...i know now that you ain't mad at me...and i am very relieved...your pet name for me is so cool...so nice...haha...yea...i miss when you call my name that way...so pleasant to hear...too bad, i can't hear it that often...say it more ya...everytime we meet...and everytime you greet me...it makes me remember that there is someone who actually does care...i'm worried about you though...you sound sad when i contact you...very sad, confused...miserable maybe...i dunno...i'm here for you ya...remember that...
camp...okay, not so bad...then there is the tests and lessons after...gosh...i feel as if my mind is saturated...like a cluttered room that has not been sorted properly...yet, at the same time...more things are being put in...squeezed in...and makes it even more cluttered...and messy...and it feels like nothing can go in anymore...and when you try to find something...you can't...bcos there is so much to look through...and nothing is orderly...my...frustration...hopeflly can get things off my mind during tonight's swim...or maybe aft badminton later...
i can't be happy anymore...i've totally forgotten how to be happy...not because i want to be sad...but bcos i just can't find anything that makes me truly happy...nothing...smiles...yea..its to make my friends happy...goshgosh...i have only hate to offer...i wonder why anyone claims to care abt me...yea right...they claim they do...they show they do for a short while...then later they leave without a care...care? more like keponess...kepo abt me...why should i care for these kind of ppl...i dunno why i do...it seems as if i can't help that somehow...
silence...yea...still present...still pregnant...still my best friend...i'm a musician...yet, i rave abt silence...ever notice there are so many types of silences...dead silence...empty silence...total silence...comfortable silence...silent work...silent signals..pregnant silence...yes...silence...its so nice...and it pleases me to fill it with music...but this kind of silence...an internal silence...its different...and it can't be filled...bcos its filled...with screams...emotions...thoughts...can silence be emptied...the ans is no...and i have accepted that a long time ago...can everyone else accept that?
4/07/2004 09:17:00 ap.