marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
perjantaina, huhtikuuta 30, 2004
...disappointment...
eng paper 1 today...wrote about love...i was the guy...crazy stuff...then mock exan MT...and straight after was oral exam...that was fine...a bit short by my standards, but i think i should pass...don't know abt A1 though...must do well...or i don't think i have enough in me to carry on with Eng...
fed up with the way they run the school..every teacher is so concerned abt their own subject...that we get As for their subject...that they forget we have other subjects to study...its easy for you to say that we need to score well for Chem...or get an A1 or 2 for MT...it aint easy when we need to study 9 subjects at a time...this just bites...
particularly upset with the person who is not so near...but wont speak and can't speak...blame me...don't blame your self...what is the point to do so? upsets me even more...
the "my key" incident was told to everyone i could tell...made them laugh..at least i put a smile on other's faces...
apple encounters...left right centre...recess...aft school...more than usual...i feel like not caring...but i can't help but care when i feel afraid...so i make use of the time trying to burn holes into his back when his back is facing me...by staring as hard as i can...since i can't hold his gaze...
love...what a topic for me to write...talking abt it makes me remember the flowers that i put out to dry...roses to be exact...and they were actually the gift frm my father to my mum on their wedding annivesary...whatever...
and that reminds me of the huge rows going on in this bubble called home...i'm trapped inside...and i can't stop the rows...i'll be pushed aside again...as i always have been...and hurt again...and the wound inside will get larger...my heart will bleed more...and another scar will form on it...wondering why i wrote abt romantic love and not love for the family just now? bcos the love in this family is lost...i don't know whether it will be present anymore...the flowers? bogus...he bought 5...thats one thing...and on top of that...my bro had to give them to my mother...not my dad...how sickening...
i managed to get lotsa hugs today...one from nadia...and then an unexpected one from jeremy...prolly since i was teasing him everyday that he promised...okay lah...dosn't match lonesome's hug though...reminds me i owe leying a hug...must remember to give her tml...
i want to go...desperately...but i'm bound by my promise...and to the master i talked to last night...i'm relieved to see you are back to your normal self...the bouncy one...and not the one trying to match the way i speak by giving a weird example of "a bee carrying an unwanted pollen grain"...err...i didn't really get that...but i think i know what you mean...and since i can keep secrets (which i guess you know already)...you can rest assured that nothing more about the conversation will be told to anyone or anything...same goes to mr rambu...found your talk in the canteen very interesting...
smiling...its lost its meaning...so why smile? to please others...to make them smile...yet i see one...one lone stranger...who doesn't smile when i do...for he knows...he knows its an act...how does he know...can he see so much just from my eyes?
4/30/2004 10:14:00 ap.
torstaina, huhtikuuta 29, 2004
...hearts strings...
this post...its dedicated to a friend...who is suffering bcos of matters of the heart...
my dearest...what is love? really? love...comes in so many different forms...love for your family...country...love for God...and also, for a single being who comes into your life...and seems to change everything around...that kind of love...can be bliss while it lasts...and also potentially cause so much destruction and hate after...it can make you soar so high...and suddenly plummet to the ground in a second...i guess thats why they say that you fall in love...
you took a risk, my dearest...you put your heart into her hands...and closed her fingers around them...trusted her with it...and believe me...this coming from a girl...that she will always remember how it felt, beating warmly, in between her fingers...do not think that she will forget you...she never will...the scent that keeps haunting you will haunt her as well...she will always remember the the rhythm of your heart...and how she held it so gently before...for fear of breaking it...your heart was either returned to you...or it was shattered...i do not know which....but remember that memory will plague her for the rest of her life...and the good times you had together will always be at the back of her memory when she moves on...and that scent will linger on forever...
do not think you have lost the capability to love...as long as you are missing her...you are still loving...and if you still are capable of loving her that long...then that means you will always be capable of loving another...the fact that you are alive shows that you love God...that you love life...that you can and will love...do not worry about that for now...concentrate on remembering to love those around you no less than you used to...they will always love you...so return the favour...love them in return...
you asked me why is love so hard to forget...its not hard to forget, dearest...it is unforgettable...you will think of the times you had together always...let that motivate you to continue loving...to seek more happiness...though it may not be with her...with your friends, and your family...
she will always think of you...trust me...even when she is with another...she'll expect him to love her like you did...bcos the memory of you loving her was so strong...she expects nothing less...and if she does not get the same or more...she'll continue missing you like you do her...
to forget her is cruel...to believe that she wants to move on and that she wants you to move on as well...that is what true love is...it may have faded...but it is still present to an extent that she still cares...and wants you to do whats best...never forget that...
if you need to cry...do so, please...and if you feel the knot inside still hasn't untangled, and you cannot take comfort in tears...remember that there are friends such as me who love you enough to talk with you...and also to cry with you if there is a need...just let those tears flow...
be not afraid to let go...
4/29/2004 01:20:00 ip.
..pendulum effect...
okay...i admit i wasn't myself today...ultra hyper...and laughing at everything...felt so irritated when i came home later...and towards the later part of the day was really really sarcastic towards everything and everyone...fed up thats why...i really really am too afraid to be myself right now...if i am...what happens will be whats has happened twice before...meaning...people get upset...i don't like that to happen...all that does is to add on more weight to the burden i carry right now...and make everything more complicated...and then give me responsibility to bear, and more apologies to make...this is so sickening...
of course i'm fed up...how can i not be...the one who is near refuses to speak...the one who is far simply can't speak...and the one who is neither far nor near at all is a mix of both...then there is another who is near, speaks but then never makes a solid point...so much so that half the time i do not understand what's being said...
school..."she rolls" was totally hilarious...everything else, just to mask what i wanted to say...oral was supposed to help time...but then the teacher came, so i just went to library to read...another aftnoon spent being disappointed...own oral exam tml...i NEED to ace this one...i can't afford not to...not afraid though, quite confident abt getting at least a B3...but i NEED an A1...hoping a miracle happens...
i've had ppl tell me i'm morbid...seriously, i don't think i am...i just happen to be one of the few that find death beautiful...refuse to fear it...and find dying useful...think abt it...the world is overpopulated already...make space for those who need a chance...who WANT that chance...there's one way of thinking abt it...that early death is a tragedy...then there's my way...early death means less sins committed...less hardship faced...the longer you live, the mroe you are going to commit sins...face it...its impossible for you NOT to sin in your whole lifetime...unless you died as an infant...death...brings about good...and few people like to admit that...
The Basis: Accepting myself as i am? finding that so impossible...there's too many negative things abt me to accept...i could end up like the criminals who aren't even bothered abt the way they act...the murderers who don't care...bcos they say " oh, i just happen to be like that"...nope...not good...its either i improve myself...or i don't...and if i happen not to be able to improve myself...and end up striving so hard to do so but not ending up anywhere...then i see no point to moving on...in accepting myself...for i can't even change myself for the better...i do however, have a different way of thinking from other people...everyone does, in a way...but aft many many conversations with many many people...i find it odd that others don't accept the way i think...don't share the same views on certain issues like me...though i manage to explain and prove my way is either true, or partly true...it is still unaccepted by so many...
the resting post...i agree...i've loved, hated...and also been very very angry most of my life...angry at myself...the last time i was truly, truly happy? a looong time ago...sometime in my childhood...which felt really bitter throughout to me...the fact is, i've bcome so good at pretending everything is okay that i'm tired of pretending...and when i don't pretend...well, it feels like everyone else is pretending and i am not...the world is not good...life will never be good...all i can do is either love or hate...and the be happy again...i don't think i will be again...in mdm kamisah's words "life does not get any easier from here"...if it feels so difficult that i can't feel happy now...then it would be foolish to believe it would be so later on in life...i false hope...i can't afford that...not after foolishly hoping that everything would be okay...where did it get me to now? everything will never be okay...
and the "to be perfect is to be dead" thing...learnt it from mr chew...he said it to the band once a long time ago...its true...there is no way that you can be perfect unless you are dead...and what everyone thinks is my prob is that i want to be perfect...me clever? i don't agree...if i were so clever...why can't i even figure out what the point to live is when everyone else can so efforlessly?and my future? what future? how can i be sure that i will have a future? i might not even be living tml, if God wishes to take me...to secure something just in case, yes, its impt...but still...what is the definition of a bright future? i've seen people who's income do not exceed a thousand Sing dollars...and they are happy...and i've seen people who have a good job, and enough to support themselves and their family...have comfort...have that "bright future"...and they are miserable...so how do you know which is better?
alot discussed...and i don't know if everything is understood...hope it is...i've tried to explain myself once again...unfortunately, the previous attempts were all in vain (like everything else)...this last time...might be different...i don't know...i just don't anymore...
4/29/2004 12:11:00 ip.
keskiviikkona, huhtikuuta 28, 2004
..questions...
some survey ranjani gave me today...
And all the qustions below, use only one name per question, do not repeat names...
1. One person you trust? Abang
2. One person you love? my dearest "lonesome"...so far away...sobsob
3. One person you care about? my brother bear/kor
4. One person you hate? Marlina Sarah
5. One person who hates you? Lau Ming Hing
6. One person you fear? A...who else?
7. Your best friend? Ranjani
8. One person who really knows you? no one but myself...sorry...
9. One person whom you wish to be friends with? A...if its possible to overcome my fear...from what i hear, he's nice actually...
10. One person you can trust your life with? God, no one else...
Ans to all the questions ppl want answered...
4/28/2004 11:18:00 ap.
...screw up...
i screwed up my music MYE paper...oh great...again...another thing i can't do right...the surprising thing was that without any preparation whatsoever...i still managed to answer a fair bit...meaning...if i had been aware...i wouldn't have screwed it up...darn...
had a ultra loong chat with master on the phone last night...frankly...i really got no sleep last night bcos i ended up thinking so much that i couldn't sleep properly...and i also had another bad dream abt A...and also our conversation triggered off what i call my "lonesome loneliness"...i miss lonesome...how i wish instead of dreaming of A...i had a nice dream of lonesome...its been too long...since hearing lonesome's voice...being in lonesome's arm in a big bear hug...the very one that always cheers me up...i'm sick of not seeing his face for long periods of time...the last time i saw him was like a month ago...he's seldom online...he can't call...and he stays to far away...i don't have the heart to drag him all the way here to see me for a short lunch...from the west side to the east side...its a long way to travel...esp since he's taking O's with me...how difficult can things get for us...in his own words...this is so "ma fan"...i know dear...i know
also abt that particular conversation...i think i pretty much made master confused...but then its even...cos i was confused from start to end...i've no idea what his pt was...whatever it was...its nice of you to care...and since i just realised how bad you are at sticking to a pt...or making one in the first place...this means i need to brush up and drill you for ENG Paper 1...which is coming soon...no failing from you...
still on that conversation...tried to be myself today...bcos of it...so i was...guess what...i failed miserably...bcos i'm so used to smiling at ppl when they smile at me no matter what i feel...its so automatic...i've gotten so used to hiding...i don't know how to come out anymore...yes, yes...i know what you are going to say...TIME...yadayada...i know what you meant...i understood that part...now it comes to how to apply it...like it or not...i really don't know how to do that...so i can't help but expect things to blow over soon...since ppl tell me they would...
pleasing others is still something i can't let go of...i don't please myself when i please others...though you might say that i do...but i don't...bcos the ppl i please all have different ways of thinking than me...and no, master, its not called being selfish towards yourself...no such terms ever...what you meant was not being able to care for myself...thats true...i admit i don't know how to care for myself...i can, however, think for myself...if you think i can't...go ask the ppl from band...i'm sure they will tell you i do...
the rest of the things you want to tell me...i can't understand...sorry...takes a long time for me to comprehend such things...i might just end up studing philosophy...the big question..."what is life?"...i don't think anyone has a feasible ans to that yet...if i live long enough that is...
i don't feel any better...being myself that is...i still feel miserable...and why...bcos even when i am myself...i don't know how to be happy...just hyper...hyper does not equal to happy...most of the time it means i'm restless and irritated...which makes me more miserable...so being happy...not accomplished...i wonder if i'll ever end up happy enough to smile sincerely...
i lost the meaning of a smile...what do i do now?
4/28/2004 10:30:00 ap.
tiistaina, huhtikuuta 27, 2004
...apologies...
i apologize to one and all...for being me...the world is not ready for the real me...not my family, not my friends...and definitely not those nearest to me...how can i ever be me in peace...ans...never...i don't even know why i'm around if all i ever do is causeupset...simply by allowing myself to take a break from this pretence...and to be myself...whats the purpose of me being alive if i can't even do that...you tell me...
to the person who got really pissed at me...i told you i don't self mutilate...and i don't...even when you lose hope i don't...and i wouldn't do anything because you lost hope...because i've seen you pick yourself up so many times...that i believe that you always will...so if you don't care anymore its fine...and if you give up on me its fine...i still look to you for motivation...because of the love i have for this brother of mine...and if you don't have even a tiniest bit of love for me, and don't regard me as a friend even...its fine...i'll still look up to you...i'm sorry i even thought of telling you what was on my mind...perhaps i was testing the waters...to see how i would agree with the rest of the world...i know now how its like...
to my abang...i apologize bcos i showed the true me to you...and bcos i thought you'd be ready for it...i wonder why you said you were that day...and told me that you'd accept me for whoever i am...but i now know that if even you can't bear to hear my thoughts...or look at the real me...then i shouldn't attempt telling my thoughts, or of whats in my heart to anyone...still love you as my abang though...and can't bear to see you upset...it gives me more hurt on top of the ones i'm carrying now...don't ever think that the help you've given me is of no value...it is...you've covered more...and i've changed more...with your help, like with no one else before...do not be daunted by the large amount that you haven't been able to cover yet though...i'm sure i can cover it, with your help...but slowly...things don't happen as quickly as you like with me...if you want me to make it to where you want me to...then i'll need to do it with you...but only if we do it slowly together...
to my dearest rambu to whom i talked to last night...thank you for listening and debating and giving me good answers to my questions...i guess so far...you are the only one who has been able to look at me...really look into my heart...see my thoughts...and not flinch in the process...i thank you for being there for me...when i really need someone and no one else is around...and thank you, especially for the fact that you listen patiently and do not judge me by what may seem strange to you...i really appreciate it...
the knot in my heart has gotten tighter...the wounds on it larger...and the number of times i cry per day higher...no...i don't cry for anyone...i cry for myself...because it seems no matter how hard i try to achieve something...i just can't...particularly this issue of pleasing myself and the others around me...its just not possible...i really feel like pleasing myself...but i made a promise to my abang...a promise i intend to keep this time...for the one thing i can't lose right now are the people who have let their hearts cry for me...not neccesarily shed tears...but be worried time and again and wished me happiness...truly...
so yes...i feel like letting the tears just run down my cheeks...but you know i don't actually have the freedom to do that...and it makes the know in my hearts even more tighter...i can't bear it much longer now...slowly...its tightens everyday...by just that tiny bit...and now this huge bit last night...no one could probably feel the way i do right now...upset, sad, angry, sorrowful, hopeless...everything...i guess...useless ppl like me have no hope...
i lost my key to happiness...i lost my true smile...maybe thats why i can't take a pic without screwing it up...it hurts, to see those around you...so sure of whats happening...and you want to tell them...stop stop...why be sure...because everything is so uncertain...you'll never be sure that something unexpected will happen...and if it does, you see their hearts shatter...but you just can't tell them that their hopes will be dashed...because it will hurt their feelings...
i used to think that everything would be okay...it had to be...one day...but i know that things will never be okay...why dream that they would be? in fact, why dream at all...your dreams will never come true...call me pessimistic...i don't care...isn't that always the case...for those who had their dream come true, was it exactly how you dreamed it to be? no...the fact is that it never will...don't dream...you'll only be disappointed again...and again...and again...and once your heart has been shattered as many times as mine...then you'll know...there really is no hope in this world...don't think there is...
i got to cry last night...and i cried in school today...lost hope again...i just don't get it...my entire life has been nothing but pleasing those around me...so to please myself...just this once...is it so very wrong? why...do the people i've tried to please...the very people that i smile at everyday to keep them from worrying...call me selfish...just bcos i want to please myself...this once...i know i sound bitter so often...its not by choice...if i could find the way to be happy...to know how to love life like others do...to learn how to love myself...i would...but unfortunately, i don't know how to learn it myself...and i don't know who can help me with it...sorry...
one more interesting thing happened today...someone saw someone looking at me...at the ps during recess...i shan't say who this someone who was looking at me was...but somehow...it makes me feel a bit uncomfy...why look at me...what is there to see in my sad eyes...besides something that might hurt you...if you know who you are...and you are reading this right now...tell me...give me a reason...for gazing at me...for i'm afraid...bcos the way you look at ppl when they talk to you...if you looked into my eyes in that manner...what you see might just hurt you...and i think you know it as well...tell me...what is it that you seek...by looking at me? tell me in person...perhaps...it will ans a few of the many unanswered questions that i have in my heart...
i apologize again...but i'm hurt though...for i've found out the number of people that love me for me...that number is zero...
4/27/2004 11:22:00 ap.
maanantaina, huhtikuuta 26, 2004
...sadness...
today was an interesting day...
1. abang and master BOTH didn't come (play too much together the night before...wonder what they were doing the whole of today together..)
2. helped rambu aft having a brief conversation with him in the morning...first time, quite fun also...
3. lessons were light, and we learned how to gamble...no remedials also...
4.had A encounter, this time close...but no fear...ignored the person...so that was fine...
5. helped out for oral...timing that is...meaning i spent my aftnoon in the cold hall...
6. effendi's bdae was yesterday, and so i wished him happy bdae today...
7.chem test...flunked it...confirmed...
8.JaE is back...loadsa hugs...and a get well pressie...love you loads...
9.someone has some probs...matters of the heart...i love you dearie...you made me cry with you today...and i always will cry with you when you need me to...
10.fit told me i look better when i smile...very interesting...didn't think that was the case...
so...10 different and new things about today (excluding the chem test)...but still no difference in the way i feel...sure, i may not be "funny" as per normal due to certain circumstances...mainly my kor and my abang and rambu....but still the feelings are the same...and after seeing Jae today, and my other friend's probs, i'm even more convinced that this world is not worth living in...ppl tell me that well...there is some good left in this world...but i'm sorry i just don't see it...and furthermore, i don't see any good in me...so the point? i don't like me...i don't like this world...i don't like life...and there seems nothing that i can do about it...means i will go nuts and be depressed very soon...since i can't solve what i need to solve...
...i feel like an old soul trapped in the body of a 16 yr old...
4/26/2004 10:18:00 ap.
sunnuntai, huhtikuuta 25, 2004
..cry...
i wish i could cry...
fall upon my knees...
let the tears flow down my cheeks...
and my cries be heard so free...
express these feelings...
inside my bleeding heart...
bleeding oh so slowly...
till no life occupies me...
i feel like the living dead...
reluctant to carry on...
yet we must, we must...
for time doesn't allow us to move on...
to be immortal would be torment...
a living hell even as i breathe...
would be transformed to pure hell...
if i ceased to breathe, yet lived...
in this box i call my heart...
i've stored so many memories...
yet every good one is laced...
with a bitter emotion...
and so my box is bursting...
the tears i wish could flow down my cheeks...
are held back with all my might...
for if i let go, and did so...
i'll be repaid with a terrible deed...
so i am forced to wear this mask...
to keep my feelings inside...
for those who bid me speak listen with shut ears...
and my silent cries are useless once more...
4/25/2004 09:29:00 ap.
...upset...
feeling upset today...actually since last night...had a conversation with rambu...sweet of you to listen dearie...and i'm feeling upset because of the fact that i'm trying so hard to please someone...and do that person's bidding...but somehow, it doesn't work...and the person is upset anyways...and i wonder, how can i ever make this person pleased...if i am doing what this person wants me to do...to see this person upset, makes me upset...and i'm disappointed that i can't please this person...useless me...useless me...
i've been trying to contact kor, but he isn't free...or he's busy...or he's avoiding me...which seems to be the case...haiz...probably since he's upset as well...
to please everyone is difficult...to please one who wants you to please yourself as well is impossible...especially when the person you want to please is an optimist at heart, but claims to be a pessimist...and on top of that wants you to open up...but is not happy with what he sees when you do...i warned you...told you that i'm afraid you might not be able to bear the sight of my dark soul...to bear to hear of my dark thoughts...and you still asked me to...for you care, i understand...but still, i care for you as well...take that into consideration...why else would i have asked you if you were sure you wanted me to tell you my thoughts, and show myself...i trust you so much, that i've never trusted anyone else as much before...i did...and i'm afraid, i've caused your feelings to be hurt...its eating me inside to think that i've made you upset...and yet, though i know it was your choice to, i feel as if i'm carrying the responsibility...as well as all the blame...
chatted with marcus this morning...thank you, but well...i don't want you to feel sorry for me...it makes me feel as if i had caused your feelings to be hurt...don't ever feel bad for me...smile instead ya?
actually supposed to go see Jae today with oke...he thought i didn't know and asked if we could go "dating" this aftnoon...too bad, i knew before you did...no tricks there...in the end didn't go cuz Jae didn't know what time we could go over to see her...so she said she was busy and we didn't go...was looking forward to going...but there...just another example of how life ALWAYS causes disappointment...always...
whats the point of looking to the future if you know that there are going to be so many bad things ahead...ppl say that every dark cloud has a silver lining...i think thats a load of crap...its every fine cloud that has a potential to turn into a dark cloud into the first place...and it always happens..what about the silver lining you ask? the silver in the dark cloud is the lightning waiting to strike you down...just proves another point...no good comes without a bad thing hiding within...wolf in sheeps clothing...
i hate having to live this life...so what if i'm 16...so what if pl tell me i might have another 50 yrs ahead of me...ppl tell me its a gift to live...i'd give this gift to anyone else who is more appreciative of it...give all my organs to those who need it...now...not when i die...i never asked for this life...i don't want it...and i think i don't deserve it either...someone more deserving, more useful, more perfect should have this life...what's my point in living anymore...
thanking rambu again for having a listen to me last night...was really very "funny" for that period of time...at least it stopped me from doing anything that would further dissapoint kor and abang...and i think you as well...love ya loads...
4/25/2004 09:00:00 ap.
lauantaina, huhtikuuta 24, 2004
...tired...
i'm half dead...nope...three quarters dead...one, bcos i didn't get enough sleep...two, bcos i woke early only to go to school for Physics...and three, bcos i spent half the night crying...crying, err bcos i was not feeling well...i felt sick...and also since i talk to kor but he seemed a tad bit annoyed, so i felt more sad...then i talk to abang who also ended up annoyed i think, and thought i was bring difficult...so well...it got me depressed since i was trying NOt to be "funny" for the both of them...and then since my abang got annoyed and didn't ans me, so well...i cried the rest of the night till i slept arnd 1 or 2 am...
woke up in quite a bad mood...went to school yadayadayada...had band prac aft oral...spent some time in o level prac room during some prac and melody writing...then came down to watch the juniors do drills...that cheered me abit...then saw abang who laughed at me then gazed at me...nottinotti...haiyoh you, i cry the nite bcos i thought you angry with me and all you could do was grin? thank gdness i'm your adik and not anything else ar...if i was i prolly dump you by now...but an adik like me always forgive her abang...so yea...don't gaze at me you...you....you...you abang you!
whoopi goldberg said this once..normal is in the eye of the beholder...and what is normal to me may not be normal to you...for the singaporeans and the finns, going to school is normal...to children in Africa and South America, it is a privilege to go the school...to me, its normal to hide my thoughts and feelings from others...for others, its not the case...for me, its normal to hate...to others, no...don't tell me i'm different...in my eyes, you are different...everyone is different...
sadness...hate...sorrow...ppl call them negative emotions...negative means to different from the positive...does positive always mean good? i don't think so...so why label such feelings negative? crying is normal to me...crying can be good...but others don't share my view...do't get me wrong...i don't like to cry...my reasons for crying are always what ppl negative...but crying bcos one is tired...just to relieve stress...is that so wrong...i'm afraid to cry nowadays...i can't even cry unless i'm hidden from view...if i cry in school, i go home and am accused of giving a bad name...that i am trying to say there are problems at home...that my family is dysfunctional...i've been accused before...if i cry at home...ppl tell me i'm crazy, bcos i cry for no reason...do you know how difficult it is...to have so many feelings pent up inside that to express them in words is not enough? to have those feelings, yet not be able to show them, for fear of more accusations and scoldings...and beatings...i repeat...beatings...if my parents manage to read this, i'm in hot soup...bcos among all the ppl that i hope don't judge me...they are at the top of the list...even simple tears...to have that one time that you can cry without caring who sees...and of accusations...is impossible...if i can't even cry in peace, what makes you think this world is peaceful? the fact is, i don't like living in such an imperfect world...bcos its neither peaceful...or at war...if it can't be either black or white...and is an uncertain grey...what is the point of dreaming anymore...
i'm tired of this uncertainty....i'm tired of dreaming of dreams that will never come true...and will only come true if one things occurs...but this one thing i'm being denied now...why...i'm tired of trying to pry the answer to my one question out of the ppl i know...i didn't say i want perfect bliss did i? i didn't say my perfection has to be good/positive did i? i just said perfection..don't jump to conclusions...
i want my simple tears...that perfect cry...but even that i am denied...what do i have if i don't even have that...
4/24/2004 12:40:00 ip.
perjantaina, huhtikuuta 23, 2004
...knowing...
i just realised how easily ppl pass judgement...stop your accusations...stop telling me that i am not doing things right...stop telling me that i don't know how to think straight...how would you know...that i am the one thinking straight, and you are the ones who aren't? how would you know...what i'm thinking if you are not me? how would you know why i think the way i do...if you haven't lived my life and seen the things i've seen? felt the way i felt? cried the way i cried? how would you know? only God knows...how would you know, if you aren't God? how would you know? tell me before passing your accusations...before telling me that i'm not thinking straight...that i'm too negative...that i've no right to feel the way i feel...only God can tell that to me...and that is not the case...why should i believe in what you say, if God does not say it is so as well? tell me why?
i just talked to kor..bcos i was feeling "funny"...and i know its true...kor and abang will not always be there to help me through...but while they are...can't they? i feel like crying...so bad...but i hold back everything...in hopes that everything will end soon...everything including me...
its is a crime...i know that...you don't have to tell me what i've researched on...you don't have to tell me the consequences...i'm FULLY aware...so stop that stupid thing...i hang on for one reason now...but i don't know if i can hang on much longer...don't tell me its easy to...one reason against so many...what if i lose hope even with this reason...my reason is my abang and my kor...if i lose hope even with them as a reason...then i won't be able to hang on anymore...my heart is heavy...too heavy...
i wish i could see my childhood again...
and discover the reason to be happy...
the discover that secret that brings joy...
to every child in the world...
but where has that joy gone?
the optimism?
that hope?
that faith...
that life would be worth living?
it has disappeared...
without a trace from my heart...
my soul so light...
has turned so dark...
my warmth...
has cooled in the night...
the me i used to love...
i found suddenly unlovable...
i can't love myself anymore...
because i don't know how...
and though it may make me unworthy of being loved...
it can't stop me from loving...
a miracle...
so beautiful i can't describe...
for any words would be too pale a description...
so what do i do now besides let my tears fall...
wet my cheeks...
and seek for the non existent solution...
in this empty darkness...
looming ahead of me...
4/23/2004 01:36:00 ip.
...lost hope...
i once told my kor that i lost my smiley mask...and my hope from my heart...and he told me to go look in the lost and found corner...you know what kor? i can't find the frickin lost and found corner...but i found my smiley mask...or rather made a new one...i haven't found my hope...and my ladder still looks endless...i'm afraid to climb...i don't want to climb...and my dearest master eric and my anchorman rambu...i'm so sorry...i'm a coward...a failure...and there is no way you can change it around...cowards like me never do anything because we screw everything up...everytime...
today had my lunch...with my abang and master...aiyoh...so much until i cannot finish...waste my abang's money...eh abang, sorry i hit your head ar...didn't know that you didn't like ppl to mess your hair...tak sengaja...but well...i did prove to you how fruitless it would be to have lunch with me...bcos yes...i will say it, no "shh" frm you okay...i'm useless...so useless i can't even eat a meal properly like you guys...even if you were talking abt things that could make ppl lose their appetite...
someone told me today that my blog entries could make him cry...guess what my dear friend...its the reality...its the real me that you don't see at school...thats why i don't reveal my self...bcos it upsets ppl...i don't believe that the world is all good and nice...its is NOT...take a look at me for example...i'm not good...i'm not nice...there's nothing positive about me besides the love i have towards others...i can't even love myself...
i write abt hate...but never hate towards others besides myself...even hate towards A is unreasonable...i hate having to encounter him...but no, i do't hate him...just fear...anyways...hate...its been present, for a long time...a ticking time bomb...i can feel the hate grow more everyday...and i don't know when its the next time i will break down...scars on my heart...they will never heal...and though ppl might think me selfish for wanting to do things...i tell the ppl this...i have to even smile to not upset you...is that selfish? is it selfish to love others truely and honestly, and not love yourself at all...it is selfish, to pretend to be happy...no matter how tiring it is, so that ppl don't get upset, alarmed, and worried? i'm breaking down....and guess what i'm accused of...of being selfish...you know what...i give myself so much to others so that their feelings are not hurt...at least if i do this one thing...i will be doing it for myself for a change...
sorrow in my heart...
like my own blood has turned to ice shards
and is piercing me...
my heart strings are a mess...
pulling so hard, they make my heart constricted...
its difficult to live...
its tiring to breathe...
i give myself so honestly...
and get accusations in return...
and now, besides the ice inside me
there's ice from the outside...
they pierce my flesh...
and the crimson liquid flows...
and freezes as it surrounds me...
all i see is hate and worry...
and none of the love i give in return...
i'm stuck in this cold hard ice block...
the life i used to know...
so carefree and happy...
was my childhood...
eons ago...
is gone in a twinkling...
ancient history...
my rose coloured glasses are gone...
and the real world i see hurts me...
i hate...
just as the world has...
if i could let go...
just as many have before...
would be bliss...
perfection...
what can i do to attain it?
4/23/2004 09:52:00 ap.
torstaina, huhtikuuta 22, 2004
...crummy...
today went to school early...to give my abang a surprise...the nite before he was like...adik you know what?...nvm i change my mind you find out for yourself...as if i didn't know he was referring to his b'dae...this adik ar...very the smart one...plan your bdae surprise since late march/early april...ahakz...and you should have seen the surprise on his face...so very hilarious...anyways, by pressie was pretty humble...i made it myself...and i hope my dearest abang enjoys savouring them....HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
besides this happy occassion i've been feeling pretty crummy all day...sick...and coughing...i screwed up my scales during the auditions because of coughing too much and listening too little...and i also was pretty out of pitch on the higher notes...darns...saw this sembawang sec girl...mr masri's band kid...didn't say hi though...i proved, once again how useless i am...feel like...but can't...its abang's happy day...i don't want to spoil it for him...
cry...i managed to find my mask today...but well...i can feel how wet my cheeks are under the mask...and its getting more wet every second...tears rolling down my cheeks...i feel so very tired...too tired to breathe...
i'm a screw up...a failure...and if any person is going to challenge me on this one...i won't listen...i have selective hearing now...i warn you...
4/22/2004 11:15:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, huhtikuuta 21, 2004
...tears...
tears in school...bcos i gave so many fakie smiles last night that i have no energy to give any today...Dee...its sweet of you to care...and its so nice of you to try to help and lend a listening ear...but i guess you haven't seen the true me yet...and since you haven't...you wouldn't understand my temperaments and the way i think...but i do have an abang...remember that when you think that there's no one to look after me...when i said abang, i meant a person who took on the role of one...and his role is to look after his adik...literally...
i'm so tired...of everything...of me...of school...i'm even tired of having to lie in bed every night, thinking of a way to fall asleep...who else besides me gets tired of sleeping...i don't think anyone else does...i'm so tired of having to hear their voices...telling me this and that...i'm too tired to smile...i'm too tired to laugh...i'm even too tired to cry like i normally do...and have to make do with silent tears...i'm too tired to try hold back those tears...i just want to let go...
why smile when you can't anymore? i lost my mask...again...and i need to find it fast...or i think some bad things will happen...
i don't think you'd be able to bear the sight of my dark soul before you...
4/21/2004 11:51:00 ap.
tiistaina, huhtikuuta 20, 2004
...crescendo...
crescendo...got some hugs...didn't see kor or lonesome...sobsob...lonesome's hug is sooo warm and comforting...and i really needed it today...but well, he couldn't make it...so i made do with huda's and fadzie's and liwei's...still...lots of fakie smiles all over the place...and i got splinters in my leg...from the finale rehearsal...and it hurt so bad i cried...err...not for the first time that day...i cried in the bus there...on the way back...and also sometime during the interval...
i actually though i would be free of any apple encounter...guess what...he came for the night show...and was sitting right IN FRONT...nearer to Sinee...so though i was nervous...at least he wasn't directly below me...then just five minutes before our fanfare...he exchanged places with the person directly below me...and i got so nervous, i trembled throughout John Williams...and i was afraid during Louis Armstrong...so i just continued and got out of the hall quickly...
aft that got pic with abang...thank you for coming and supporting us...too bad andrew din come...i really wanted you to meet him...and also a huge hug frm him lar i admit...
took lotsa pics as well with leying and co...aiyoh...dunno how to smile
i saw ppl laughing...
i say ppl smile...
and i smiled and laughed
with them...
but i don't feel a part of them...
for they are full of joy...
and i of sorrow...
and though i smile and laugh
the eyes, a window to my soul
reveal much more of what's in my heart...
did you notice...did you notice?
only one did...
a stranger who observed from afar...
but those closest...
did not see...
for even they were fooled by my smile...
eyes never lie...
i shall shut them now...
and sleep forevermore...
4/20/2004 02:37:00 ip.
maanantaina, huhtikuuta 19, 2004
...surprise...
hehe...got my surpirse ready....and left just the last part...that person will sooo not expect it...i can't wait for the day to come...
crescendo up tml...going to be a long day...abang is coming to support...and so are my dearie seniors...but not lonesome...or my kor..so sad...going to get loadsa hugs though...
not happy not happy...bcos i don't feel happy...i dunno why...maybe my performance isn't up to standard...i mean, sure i'm loud...and i can stay in tune...and i play the right notes...and i can pitch...but it lacks something...and until i find that something...its not PERFECT...and if its not PERFECT...i can't be a world class performer...then whats the point of practising...and if i don't practice and don't end up a world class performer...then whats my purpose in life...the ans is NOTHING...so since i aint perfect now..whats the pt?
when there is no point what does one do? GIVE UP...and thats exactly what i'm going to do...
4/19/2004 12:54:00 ip.
sunnuntai, huhtikuuta 18, 2004
...brother bear...
so now i got a kor and an abang...and both are bent on bullying me...and teasing me...o gosh...what next...brother bear/my kor whom i already have identified...and now an abang...who i shall not mention...if you want to know..this guy is not malay...no more clues...
went out today...to get some stuff...and now i know abt what i should do...and i know the colours...and the types...no more shall be said about this...
so well...i had this feeling that i was being watched...by someone who was not there...more accurately, i mean a certain someone whom i'm afraid of...gosh it was freaky...hope it doesn't happen anymore...
i still feel sad...abit better since abang was joking arnd and teasing me...nothing beats laughing at yourself...especially when you are so nonsensical, horrible, and terrible...so to find someone whom you can laugh with about your horrible self makes all the difference...honest...
brother bear...i sad because of you...again...pls don't be so sad always ya? i know you told me not to let you affect me...but which mei won't care for her kor? and how can you ask me not to care for you if you care for me...plspls...i'm going to be like you again and say SMILE...i don't care you have to SMILE...do it...now...smile...for me...please...
i used to see the happiness on your face...hear the smile in your voice...where has it gone to now...how can i find it again for you?
4/18/2004 12:24:00 ip.
...satisfaction...
i laughed and smiled genuinely yesterday...it wasn't a fake one at last...and i did so because i have an elder bro now...my dearest ChayKer/Evan/JunWoo...haha...so many names sia...we had a looong chat last night...and well...it sorta resulted because of so many things that has been happening...his probs...and my probs...so as a friend, i wanted to help him pull through all his rough patches...particularly the current one...so i asked him if he'd accept me as as a younger sis...and he said yes...so i smiled...then he told me that as a younger sis, i'd have to do EVERYTHING he says...which means bully of course...so i laughed...very interesting...
still, the pain hasn't subsided somehow...it was just that one moment last night, when i forgot all the pain inside and let go...a merry sound i must say...and after that, when i had to leave...i turned and realised...i'm still where i was before...that the laugh and smiles had not changed anything...so i wonder, why should i laugh genuinely...or give genuine smiles to people...because, it seems, it doesn't change anything...and everything will still be the same...it still hurts...and thats still a fact...
the performance on tues...i can't bear the night show...facing the crowd, knowing that A will be in it...watching...and i can't see where A is...and it will feel so uncomfy...darn...but at least, isi, aiti and kalle will be there...fer hose who don't know...isi=father, aiti=mother and kalle is my bro's name...lonesome won't be there though...sigh...but the thought of performing makes my heart beat oh so much faster...not because i'm nervous...but because i love it so...and well...nothing beats that feeling when you stand before the audience, knowing that they don't know what surprises might be ahead...and also afterwards, knowing that you did the best...breathlessness...the blissful feeling after performing...love it soo much..
surprises, suprises..for my seniors...one who is still in school...and the others who have graduated...for that one senior...you'll just have to wait and see...because...well...its for you and you only...and i'm going to hunt today to make the surprise happen..you dunno what's coming your way...oh no...for the other seniors, your surprise is coming up on tues...i don't think you'll expect that we'll do whatever we do...
a satisfaction within...to see a smile on your face once more...to hear your voice...to hear your merry laughter, clear as silver bells ringing...you are the friend i used to know again...smile...and my heart will smile with you...
4/18/2004 01:55:00 ap.
lauantaina, huhtikuuta 17, 2004
...lost...
i'm lost...or rather, i have lost...i feel from the ladder of life once more...i did try Eric, and you saw me try...you were there as you promised...but even you couldn't stop me from falling from the ladder...and i fell and hit the ground hard...i shall never climb that ladder again...and i don't know if you'll be able to persuade me to...
jae's been warded...thank you to Nadia (Dee) for telling me the latest on her conditions...at least i know she's in safe hands...now all i have to do is pray for her...
"confusion"...i thought it was over...but it wasn't and you are confused once more...its funny...the things you've done to me could have caused me to hate anyone else who even tries to do the same...yet i forgive you so often...now please don't be confused again...you'll make me drown in my pool of tears...tears for you...please, don't make it harder than it already is...
it's so cold in this place without you friend
now you are lost in the cold winter's night
you disappeared into the darkness
and I stumble through the snow
hoarse and cracked my voice sounds
barely audible in the tumult around
calling, calling
with silence in reply
my eyes sting
blinded by the storm around me
yet i persevere to find you
my tears turn to ice upon my cheeks
the cold cuts through me like a knife
silent eyes watching menacingly
waiting for the perfect opportunity
and i worry endlessly for you
wondering whether the sun will ever rise again
a ray of light from heaven above
to melt the cold hard knot within you
let me know you again
you hide you hide
and i can't find you
my knees are buckling
i lie in the softness around
snow like feathers
falling from the sky above
settle softly upon me
i sleep quietly forevermore
dreaming
waiting
hoping in vain
for my friend to wake me...
4/17/2004 08:35:00 ap.
perjantaina, huhtikuuta 16, 2004
...worrisome...
i'm worried...for those of you who saw me looking down during recess...yea...its bcos i'm worried...i'm worried for Jae...and bcos of what happened just now...its serious, and i've never seen so serious before...and they refused to let us see what was happening...i dunno how she is...whether she's okay...whether she's in pain...whether she's staying there for the night...whether she's at home...whether she's eaten...whether she's taken medication...i'm worried bcos she's my friend...one who was there for me when i needed her...one who has quarelled with me, but apologized first, even though it was both our faults...i feel like crying...pls, God, let nothing happen to my friends...they have everything to contribute to the world, and bright futures ahead...take me instead, for i'm of no use...damaged goods...
i called GKC...but he's busy yea, so well didn't bother him...anyways, i'm glad to hear he's doing well...hope it continues that way...
plspls, let nothing happen to Jae...or anybody else..or my family...or my relatives...i'll be too distraught...please...
4/16/2004 12:48:00 ip.
...apple...
oh gosh...i feel dead...yep...came home late bcos of crescendo rehearsal...and well...i know how to do a lip slur now...or what i call a smear...so cool ar...anyways...we finished late...and we also learned the joys of working with AC...so funnn...well...i know the band used to hate him alot when we were doing SYF...and I know that some seniors also have this prejudice against him...but hey...i've worked with him ever since my ferz musical moments, then aft that the OO for woodwind ensemble...and aft that for SYf...now its my last ye, and i'm working with him...and guess what...its GREAT...yesh...i miss GKC cos our band loves him for the cute person he is...but AC is so much fun, i can't help but side him on this one...nono...i've not been hypnotized...and its not that i don't want GKC back...but well...i find i learn alot from AC...esp abt Jazz...its so me...
aiyoh...another apple encounter...i didn't expect it to be this close...this time...i actually plucked up my courage to speak when spoken to...and guess what...i'm STILL afraid...what is it going to take to make myself un-afraid...its scary, yes it is...and guess what...the apple was so close it brushed past me...and was next to me at my feet...err...i flinched when he not looking...and moved aside, so that my feet were a bit further...and so well...i still didn't feel comfy...and a joke...it was supposed to tease me...but well...it didn't work? geez...i'm a coward...i know i know...Alvin will say "shh...stop spouting nonsense"...but hey, even Evan's called me one before, so what can i say besides that i am one...and i don't care anymore...i'm not going to bother what anyone says about my habits...i am going to continue doing what i do...so LEAVE ME ALONE AND SHUT UP ABOUT IT...i only talk about it to one person...and i would talk abt it to another dear friend of mine if he only promises not to leave me when i need him the most...
i'm not pining anymore...bcos i'm positive of something...that "confusion" is not angry, irritated or fed up with me...and neither has confusion given up on me...its just that well...we had a talk, and i guess we lost touch during that period of time, but aft talking...we are close again...and we understand...
"lonesome"...are you coming for the concert...if so...pls contact me yahz? i need to get you the tics...btw...can give me one of your cuddly bear hugs when i see you? i'll bend down to take a pic i promise, so i wont look taller than you...than you wont be so embarassed ar...girl taller than you...hehe...miss you...
what would you do if you knew that I were afraid? would you try to make me un-afraid...or would you try to make me more afraid? I'm very bully-able i know...and i also am very sensitive...so would you take advantage of that...do you even know about my fear? if you know who you are...try to tell me...online pls...bcos its too scary to face you in person...
what does one do when they lose the ability to give a genuine smile? bcos they have to fake one everytime to make others at ease? I'm not valuable anymore...useless...existence is hard to fathom...survival is pointless...hypothermia is setting in...but yet, i haven't lost the ability to love others around me...and though the frost is eating me from the outside...my heart is still beating...and warm...and though i'm shivering...i don't dare to go back into the warmth...bcos i'm afraid that if i do...then i will melt into liquid and never solidify again...and my heart, the one solid part of me...will lie in the open...trying in vain to take cover...bcos there is no cover anymore...never reveal everything...so why not just reveal nothing...and play it safe? is that so difficult to comprehend?
4/16/2004 11:07:00 ap.
torstaina, huhtikuuta 15, 2004
...winter shadows...
it feels as if i'm in the shadows...or more like a dark winter...everything's happening around me...i see all there is to see...but do people see me...or is it too dark...its so cold here...and so warm around...yet, the heat and light cannot penetrate...and strangely...the cold dark silence has actually become my friend...because well...i just find the light too bright, the warmth too warm...and the sounds too noisy...i dunno anything...i dunno how to let anything enter...to allow people to see me...i'm afraid...because its too dangerous...i revealed myself once before...and look at the consequences...and now that i'm back in this place...behind my mask once more...i'm determined not to let my guard down anymore...
my knee still hurts but the bandage is off....and the swelling's subsided...and the wounds shrunk...but its not healed yet...and it will take some time i know...its painfully tedious to go up and down the stairs to class and down to the canteen...esp since i can't lift my foot very much...and i can't bend it more than ninety degrees either, which means i'm still stuck sitting at the back while me frenz sit at the ps...and that also means sitting behind A...which means i'm really uncomfy now...
its getting more scary...esp today...another apple encounter...shan't elaborate...its still too scary now...
i feel funny...yes funny...and i know that now that you know that only you and no one else knows abt this...that you are going to be upset...erm...if that didn't make sense, too bad...it will only make sense to one person...
a funny feeling...how do you satisfy youself so that it goes away...only one way...and i'm doing it...interesting...
4/15/2004 09:40:00 ap.
tiistaina, huhtikuuta 13, 2004
...falling...
yep..i fell...AGAIN...and am injured quite teruk-ly i might add...the fourth time, and also in the fourth year or my life in PRCS...and i have such a fall each year...yes...each year...and i thought that now i'm 16, i wouldn't be so clumsy...WRONG...in fact, its the third time i fell this week...just that the previous two times i din injure myself so badly...just a bruise here and there...but now..haiz...i wonder how i'll cope the rest of the week...that is...if i'm around to cope in the ferz place...
sessions today...and i'm finally FREE...yes...no more sessions for me...why...because i requested it...thank you to my friend...i decline to mention the name of this person...for accompanying me today...and supporting me with your presence...yes...it made whatever i needed to say easier to say...
still pining...for confusion that is...i never know what confusion's true feelings are...hot one moment...cold the next...loves me one day...hates me another day...does confusion know how much i care...obviously not...i hope confusion knows...bcos well...i've hid it for so long, so as not to damage anything...and so that things will be smooth sailing for confusion...and also so that confusion didn't get the wrong idea...but now...that i know that confusion is so lost...then well...i want to lead confusion out of that maze...to make the confused unconfused...is there such a word...oh nvm...
i feel relieved bcos of the end of sessions...but i don't feel relieved bcos i'm back at square one...and yes...i'm funny again...so whatever you wanna do abt it...well...i don;t think there is anything that you can do...and i make sure...that before you do anything...i do something abt it...yea...i aint no fool...so don't think you can fool me...
how do I love yourself...if there is no one to love me for who I am?
4/13/2004 11:36:00 ap.
sunnuntai, huhtikuuta 11, 2004
...fear factor...
yes...the photo just appeared...i'm crying now...yes i am...bcos i din expect to see that person...no...not online...scaryscary...yeayea...call me a fraid cat...but it seems i just can't get over this fear for this person...i mean...who can blame me...he even
looks scary...but it seems others dun share my view...oh darn...
oh shucks..i hate fearing someone for no reason...
the day is drawing near...i remember last yr, arnd this time...me and that person were still good friends...in fact, we could be considered best of friends...and just because of that one night...everything changed...he avoided me...i dunno...i still feel hurt...that it was partly my fault...and also because i didn't tell him what i was feeling...and it caused us to drift apart...because of misunderstandings...and i couldn't salvage our friendship...reflections...*bites lip*
confusion...do you ever notice me...i mean, i'm sure you do notice me to some extent...i remember the kindness and the care i saw in your eyes the last time we met...but...do you remember me even when are in a bad mood...do you remember that i am arnd for you when you are feeling so down...that i'll be there to give you anything you needed that i could...and even if i couldn't...i'd stay quiet by your side...listen to you...give you a hug...cry with you...love you...like i will always do...confusion...when you are so confused...do you not think i will feel confused as well...if you do not reveal to me what is the problem...that i will hurt if you hurt...and it will hurt worse for me...cos i love you more than i love myself? do you...tell me...you do...really...
Saw the loneliness in you
Wanna help you give you love
Shine some light out from the mud
Fill the empty find a rhyme
A brighter day a better time
but I'm wondering where I'm gone
Can't find the truth within my song
And all I have I'll give to you
To let you know you're not alone
I'm telling you:
I'm smiling for you only
I'm trying for you only
I'm praying for you only
No more cry, no more cry
I wanna hear you laugh again
Without the ache to bring you down
If only I could take your pain
One day soon we'll meet again
4/11/2004 07:57:00 ap.
...nonsense...
nonsense...running thru my head...i dunno what to do...bcos it aint constructive nonsense...its 'funny' nonsense...yea...i knew it would happen...
i wish i could go back...to the time when the land seemed so perfect...there were no footprints on this field of snow...the winter's nights were spent huddled by the fireside...a steaming cup of coffee and a book to keep me company...the soft breathing of my family...its gone...the rain came in my windows...a thunderstorm...no friendly patter on my windows...they burst open...blown by the strong wind...lightning flashed...blinding me...the thunder drowns out my cries...the fires out...its cold...my cup spilt...my family gone...i'm alone...in the rain...with nothing to look to...no hope...no one...and the strangers that pass me by on the street...they look at me...and i realise...they are no strangers...they are the people i call friends and family...some toss coins...out of pity...but pass me by anyway...hurrying away...
those who bid me speak...they listen with shut ears...so my cries...they are still unheard...silence...its the best bet...something i can trust...but even silence can be lonesome at times...it may be pregnant...yes...it is....but there is no one there in this silence...but me...and the presences...that appear once in a while...what does one do with presences...they are no voices in my head...for if they were, i'd know what they wanted...but they are something indefinable...that i can't explain...you just know...that they are there...but their purpose...and what they want are unknown...what does one do then...and who will believe me if i told them...
cruel kindness...sometimes...ppl who are kind...are so kind that they seem cruel...i'm sorry i put it this way...but it really does seem so...and sometimes, those who seem cruel...say they are trying to be kind by doing so...no...its not the same, though it may seem like it...only if you've experienced this you'd know...
4/11/2004 04:10:00 ap.
lauantaina, huhtikuuta 10, 2004
...neither here nor there...
guess what...its midnite...i'm the only one in this house thats awake...waiting up for my mum...and my bro...its windy...and i miss you...
i feel like curling up...my back's killing me...and so is this ache in my heart...i feel a presence...and i'm unsure what it is...it envelopes me...trying to comfort...it feels real...but there is no proof to tell me the presence is there...really...
i sense these presences once in a while...but this time...i feel in my heart that its someone i know...something is trying to reach out to me...and i dunno how to respond...help me, God...it is so strong...and i don't know how to handle it...what do i do...how can i knwo what is happening...i try to ignore...but it only gets stronger...i'm afraid now...scared of what it might mean...is it a sign...has anything gone wrong...i need to know...but i don't know how to find out...
i wish i was with you...safe...you'll be able to explain this...you know how to calm me...no, this doesn't just happen when i'm alone...these presences...i feel them all the time...its just that its so strong this time...and i don't have you by my side to help...pray for me...
how can loving one be so hard...i didn't think it was....but it is...so very difficult...
4/10/2004 05:10:00 ip.
...up n down my backy wacky...
yes...pains back...argh...and when did it chose to attack? band prac...darn...as usual, i dun have my pain killers with me...so yea...i ended up on the floor...trying to get the stress off my back..it helped...esp with hazirah there by my side...love ya darlz...she really speaks like a nurse...chose the right course for herself...gd fer ya...mish ya lotz...
huda also was there..sec 2 one...love ya too...
ah...today was a crappy day...i came to school late for physics by 5 minutes...then halfway, sally comes up and me and hui ping have to go for prac...lack of ppl it seems...argh...and as soon as we got in, have that mr masri inside...i hate going for band prac nowadays bcos of him...prefer mr chew by a mile...anyways...the prac was crappy cos i was sitting wrongly...oopz...and so my back started acting up...and then we had sectionalz...and then i talked some with hazirah while i was on the floor...
went home...haiyoh..usual drill...pain killers...shower...sleep...woke up like so late...
i really feel like whacking someone right now...i dunno...anyone, whom i can whack...funny feeling...very overwhelming...yes...i dunno what to do...but whack someone...argh...today is so fricking crappy...
i hate myself...been thinking abt what happened...no...i'm not ready to talk...so sorry...sessions on tues will go to waste...bcos i aint talking...nope..not a chance...and thank goodness...its during the band prac...so i will see less of mr masri...but well...yea, it will be a waste...perhaps i just shouldn't bother abt sessions...but that will make my friend angry..i know, he'd like me to go...but well...its really a waste...perhaps, if he could witness it himself...he's know...but he's prolly to busy to accompany me...yea..so i dunno...i should just go...not for sessions...but in another way...he prolly knows what i'm talking abt...
i'm feeling hurt...that my presence isn't appreciated by you...no...not the earlier friend in the previous para...another friend...i will call you 'confusion'...
so confusion...i name you thus bcos you really cause that...i feel as if you are playing with my feelings...like a child, who has something really soft like plasticine...and he just held it...but has no idea what to do with it...and he tried to change its original shape...but the shape is not practical...and it does not hold...and flops sideways...and then the child gets frustrated...and thrusts it aside...only to pick it up and play with it again for amusement...as and when you like...i dunno confusion...there's been so many things that i want to say to you...to tell you...but fear is holding me back...fear that i will get hurt...that you'll get angry...that we'll argue...yes...you are the one whom i write abt always...the person that i know...
i know that you are confused...so am i....and i agreed to help you...i promise...i always will be here for you....whether you are there for me or no...bcos well...i dunno how to let go...of someone i care for so much...even if you don't care for me...or would forget me...i will never be able to...bcos of the impact you made on my life...loving you seems to painful right now...but what can i do...but wish you happiness....and hope that maybe...one day...you'll lose that confusion you have in you...and be that carefree...funny...wise...yet wierd person i used to know...
i miss you...i pine for you...do you feel the same?
4/10/2004 12:32:00 ip.
perjantaina, huhtikuuta 09, 2004
...that "funny" feeling...
yes...the "funny" thing again...prolly most ppl won't comprehend what i'm stating...but one person will...evan...and he really, really will not be happy...pray, don't be angry...or mad...i haven't been near being "funny"...but well, it might, if the feeling doesn't go away...soon...
to this person i know...
do you remember how many times i said i love you...
how many times i said i care
i tried to be there for you...
i tried to understand...
yet, i was pushed away...
everytime i tried to help...
is my care not valued?
is my love not enough for you?
i know, you care for me, to an extent...
but you aren't allowing me to care for you...
how am i to explain...
to one who does not take my care seriously
to one who doesn't remember,
that if no one loves you,
i always will...
i've been hurt by you countless times...
yet, i do not tell you...
i do not want you to know...
i forgive you...
i forget your harshness...
and i continue loving you...
and caring...
but you do not seem to notice...
how much you mean to me...
what will it take to make you notice...
i do not have the heart to tell you
to be harsh to you
how do you teach someone you love how to love you...
4/09/2004 07:14:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, huhtikuuta 07, 2004
...anger...
i'm angry...i'm furious...not at my friends...not bcos of family...not bcos of my work...bcos of me...i'm more than angry...i have this burning hate within me rite now...itchyscratchy...i must, i must...and i have, i have...and i will...yes...i definitely will...i'm not referring to anything...so don't jump to conclusions...what i'm referring to is know only to me...and me alone...the reason i get into trouble...bcos someone is reading my blog...jumps to conclusions...and then blames EVERYTHING on me...yea...i hate myself already...make it worse then...i don't mind...but what bothers me is that you jump to conclusions...face reality...YOU DON'T KNOW ME...only one person does...and that person is far away...and if you don't know me...don't try to guess the meaning of my words...yes, i know i'm vague...so what...its a way to express myself...so stop trying to guess...i will nv ever say what's on my mind directly...so SHUT UP...
okay...pining for...yea...still pining for my friend...its so difficult when you can't meet bcos not in the same school you know...very difficult...out care, concern and love for each other can't be expressed directly...and its very difficult to do indirectly...yea...friend...i know now that you ain't mad at me...and i am very relieved...your pet name for me is so cool...so nice...haha...yea...i miss when you call my name that way...so pleasant to hear...too bad, i can't hear it that often...say it more ya...everytime we meet...and everytime you greet me...it makes me remember that there is someone who actually does care...i'm worried about you though...you sound sad when i contact you...very sad, confused...miserable maybe...i dunno...i'm here for you ya...remember that...
camp...okay, not so bad...then there is the tests and lessons after...gosh...i feel as if my mind is saturated...like a cluttered room that has not been sorted properly...yet, at the same time...more things are being put in...squeezed in...and makes it even more cluttered...and messy...and it feels like nothing can go in anymore...and when you try to find something...you can't...bcos there is so much to look through...and nothing is orderly...my...frustration...hopeflly can get things off my mind during tonight's swim...or maybe aft badminton later...
i can't be happy anymore...i've totally forgotten how to be happy...not because i want to be sad...but bcos i just can't find anything that makes me truly happy...nothing...smiles...yea..its to make my friends happy...goshgosh...i have only hate to offer...i wonder why anyone claims to care abt me...yea right...they claim they do...they show they do for a short while...then later they leave without a care...care? more like keponess...kepo abt me...why should i care for these kind of ppl...i dunno why i do...it seems as if i can't help that somehow...
silence...yea...still present...still pregnant...still my best friend...i'm a musician...yet, i rave abt silence...ever notice there are so many types of silences...dead silence...empty silence...total silence...comfortable silence...silent work...silent signals..pregnant silence...yes...silence...its so nice...and it pleases me to fill it with music...but this kind of silence...an internal silence...its different...and it can't be filled...bcos its filled...with screams...emotions...thoughts...can silence be emptied...the ans is no...and i have accepted that a long time ago...can everyone else accept that?
4/07/2004 09:17:00 ap.
maanantaina, huhtikuuta 05, 2004
...confusion...
i know, i know...i haven't been blogging lately...i just don't feel like it...and especially since other things have happened...yes...silence seems my best friend now...a real best friend...cus its not empty...it doesn't say anything...eveyrthing is going on...and the silence is filled...not with sound...but other things...that only the silence and me will know...
haven't been feeling too good...yea...thurs was sessions...and i din say anything...every question went unanswered...or had a one word answer...and i refused to say anything lar...just silence and me...
fri was further crap...just nonsense ar...mock test went down the drain...
sat was x country...ran for fun...most of the way lar...consistent jogging...not really running...got position 53...could have done better but well...i din really want to care at that pt in time...aft that was hell...we had to like squat and my back was giving so much prob i started to cry...and we weren't allowed to stand...so in the end dee and fit went to tell mr shafiee...and i got to stand...later dee, and ranjani accompanied me...then i had to mobilize the spine awhile...meaning lie down...at the void deck...desperate measures.....the alvin comes along...and membingit ar...he went " what? back pain? ah...dun eat some more lar...dun eat!"...haiyor...but i understand...it was concern...nothing else...later he send me home also...thank you friend...you were a dear...
that day something set my mind in a whirl...i was standing at the back waiting to go home...in pain...when A comes and approaches me...ohgoodness...and he asked why i canot squat and whether i was okay...so there i was, crying half out of fear and half out of pain...scaryscary...i'm still afraid...though he did show that he aint no criminal...yet...fear is still present...i wonder why...
i baked a cake...stupid me...went cycling...and played badminton...all on sunday...it was rainy...i din know what i wanted...circling the park for at least an hr...i really dunno...
monday...thats today...was generally bad...i felt bad...and i dunno why...i'm pining for someone...and i think that that someone is not really happy with me right now...also there's that confusion bcos of A...and then btw me and my other friend...no...its not a clear cut friendship problem...i dun think its a problem at all...just that...it makes me feel empty...not havin that one true friend that i can tell everything to...and it makes me embrace the silence more...
to this friend i love...
you truly don't know how much i love you...i love you more that i can describe in words...and sometimes, when we can't talk...i feel as if there is so much emptiness...and nothing else but the silence to embrace...i know that sometimes my words may hurt you...but do you know how many times you've broken my heart....disappointed me...and hurt me...i don't think you do...because everything was unintentional...your words hurt me so many times...and i've sobbed...not cried...
sobbed...bcos of what you've said sometimes...but still...i love you...it could be a matter of choice...but i don't think its that...its genuine, pure love...and care...and
concern...for someone who i hope gives me the same...yes...i want to understand you...to know you...to look into the depths of your heart...so that i can understand...and help you...just like you wish to when it comes to me...but at this pt in time...i feel as if you have closed your heart to me...to love and be loved in return...yes...its important...but love without communication...without understanding...its empty...i love you...always remember that...and i cannot imagine the world...or my life without you...for at this point in time...i cling to you...for life...for love...for understanding...to understand me...i have to understand you...let me in...and don't shut me out anymore...and always love me...just as i do you...
yes...its you i'm pining for...for we haven't talked properly lately...and i think that we should...please...
4/05/2004 10:36:00 ap.