I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
tiistaina, maaliskuuta 23, 2004
Trust
this is for you evan...
you have so much trust in me...and i made that commitment...and i made it because i didn't want to lose you...i lost the sunshine some time ago...and so i don't want to lose you as well...you are just too precious...don't you ever worry friend? worry that it was not sincere...that the commitment made was not from me heart...worry that it was not true? i think you should worry friend...because when i don't give my heart...then it will be difficut to remember...
you see me smile friend...you've the same smile before...don't you worry? worry, that the smile you see now is the same as the smile you saw before? Don't you worry that the smile is as meaningless, as empty? And the commitment i made...an empty promise? worry that...i've put on that mask once more...and am smiling on the outside...but weeping inside?
i don't know friend...i honestly don't...because i feel so empty now...
remember that day...when i told you that i wanted to cry and you told me to smile? i felt so sad....so hurt...and so touched...i felt sad...because once again...i'm not allowed to be me...i felt hurt...because you asked me to choose between me and you...even when i told you not to...and i felt hurt because you actually had a notion of leaving me...if i had not made that commitment...i felt touched...because i knew it took alot out of you...and yet...you gave all you could...to show you care....then...i felt empty afterwards...because i had totally no idea how to go about doing what you expect of me...
i'm afraid friend...i'm afraid i'll let you down...i'm afraid...that i won't remember...i'm afraid that the trust you gave me...is not a gift that i can take...because it seems so precious...like crystal...in buttery hands...
i need time friend...to learn to love myself as you asked...because i have no idea what loving myself is...and now that i have to do it...it seems such an uphill task...without your help...i really wonder...if i made that commitment sincerely...or just out of fear of losing you...
"loving myself will take time to learn, but loving others...its a miracle...almost magical" MSH
3/23/2004 10:28:00 ap.