marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
torstaina, maaliskuuta 18, 2004
Sleepless Nitez
still sleepless...tried to sleep but couldn't...can't figure out why also..argh...sleep deprived....now i can't even sleep to distract myself...
had to write this for PC activity today...title: ME? An Attention Seeker?
Quite frankly, I don't believe that i'm an attention seeker. But it really confused me when the remark was passed. It feels like that everytime one passes a remark like that. That single word or phrase, be it a compliment or otherwise, sets my mind in a whirl. Questions run through my head. Is that remark worthy of me? Confusion.
I hate being viewed by the public. I don't like to go out when there are many ppl around. I despise ppl who pas criticism easily. And I especially dislike being in the limelight. Yet, I find, I have to constantly watch my behaviour, at home as well as at school. I find I don't act naturally, unlike when i'm left alone, or with maybe one or two friends. Its hard, because it feels as if i'm being denied the right to be me. And on certain occassions, when i do try to be myslef, it freaks ppl out, even those closest to me.
I've been told that ppl always see me as a person who's always on the go. If i'm not here, I'm bound to be somewhere nearby, doin something else. What my peers don't know is that I do that so I can procrastinate, and avoid the monotony of doing the chores I'd have to do if I weren't busy, or showing that I'm busy.They probably think I am busy because I have many commitments. Its partly true, but not the entire truth.
So this makes me wonder. Do these ppl i call friends really know the true me? Are they friends with ME? Or are they just familiar with the person who I appear to be, and are friends with that person?
Some ppl have told me once that i am cheerful, crazy, take things lightly, and that i'm prone to emotional outbursts. Those close to me tell me that at times, they don't even know me, and feel they have to keep a distance. Especially when they think I'm moody. More confusion. Can i trust these ppl i deem to be my friends?
Excellence. I don't aim for that. To be extremely good, or the best does not mean that one is perfect. Perfection, according to the dictionary's definition, means to be flawless. I try to avoid all mistakes at all costs, yet, this cold flawlessness does not appeal to me. Perfect, to me, means that something has been given the utmost care. Delivered with love, from the bottom of one's heart. To reflect one's soul, and yet, flawless, or at least, as flawless as possible. That is perfection, and i strive for that in everything i pursue. So, it makes things difficult, when i give my heart, and its returned to me cracked, and flawed. To be criticised is hard, but I take criticism, because I strive for perfection, but also , more importantly, because I'm my greatest and harshest critic. It hurts, to know that i am not perfect, and i feel as if i have failed terribly.
So really...me? An attention seeker? No, I don't think so. But it makes me wonder, why others deem me to be one.
To reflect back on my actions is something that I do everyday, 247, you might say. I think abt my past actions, no matter how long ago it was, everytime, wherever and whenever I'm thinking. To seek for an answer. But I get no answer. It all ends in confusion, and nothing else.
FREE...like the former 3/6 [2003] used to say REJOICE!!!
3/18/2004 01:01:00 ip.