I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
maanantaina, maaliskuuta 29, 2004
...painpainpain...
silence...silence...heartache...heartache...
no...not heartache bcos of silence...but heartache bcos of silence of someone...
how can you ignore me in this manner?
how can you make me think you are ignoring me...and keep me in suspense...only to give me a wide grin later...to tell me that you actually weren't?
how can you always keep what you are feeling from me...when i open my heart so freely to you?
how could you...how can you...and how long will you continue?
aches...aches...anxiousness...
relief...i seek relief...and relief shall come soon...
i miss the warmth of the sunshine...the warmth it lovingly showered on me...i can see...it's hiding behind a cloud now...just as the moon is hiding behind fog...this moon aint avoiding the sunshine now...neither is the sunshine avoiding the moon...and why is that so...bcos we aint quarelling...yes...we had a rough patch...we overcame it...so now...we aint quarelling...the question is...are the moon and sun cohabiting again...are they going to hide behind their clouds forever...the answer is no...bcos this moon wants the sun back...to form another solar and lunar eclipse...and make the others look it awe at the grandeur....and magnificence...but can i trust the sun not to be jealous of my star...can i trust the sun not to accuse my star of stealing the moonlight from him...this i not know...its to be found out soon...maybe never...but i know now...that the sun and moon are not ready yet...not just yet...but if they are...i doubt they'll pass on the eclipses...no...they wont...not if they are ready...
self hate...hatred...for self..i'm harping again i know...but i only do so...when the feelings intesify...and i hate myself even more...there's nothing you can do star...not for now...not whyle you dunno...i pray you are in the dark for much longer...
3/29/2004 12:40:00 ip.