I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
maanantaina, maaliskuuta 29, 2004
...mystical 3...
3...the number of creativity...also an odd number...my favourite number...whe you see the maiden moon out...kiss your hand 3 times to it...3...the number of children in our family...3...the number of times i've cried in a day...
besides 3...today...not so good...thank gdness for my watch...to hide it...or Alvin would have seen...i know Ranjani saw it...but there's nothing she can do...unless she tells Alvin...
we stopped fighting...yes...we did...but i dunno abt the trust part...and whether we can go further...that i dunno...
tests...tests...head shattering...i dun feel like going fer band tml...i dun feel like going for session on thurs...dun feel its worth it...everytime i come out...it makes me feel worse...because once again i had to hide behind a mask...to keep everything out...i blurt out some things...yea...but not anything significant...not enough to let him know...
camps coming up...study camp...then there's also band camp in may...and also a council camp if i'm not mistaken...wateva...just as long as there's no ppl forcing me to eat...council camp...i dunno abt that one...might have the oakley bro's there to do that...maybe i should just skip the whole thing...then i shan't have to bother abt it...sick and tired of being forced...
hate for myself subsided...no...intensified...why...i dunno...i just hate myself...i passed a test...and i hate myself...not for passing the test...but passing too low...pass...so what...i can't even pass well...shows how stupid i am...how much i deserve this hate...whatever...
what is it abt you that makes me look for you everytime i know you are near?
what is it abt you that makes me worry abt you everytime i don't see you?
what is it abt you that makes me want to talk to you everyday...and if i miss out at least a hi frm you...then it makes my day seem dismal?
what is it abt you that makes me want to prove you wrong?
what is it abt you that makes me want to be near when we are apart?
what is it abt you that makes me want to stay far away when we are near?
weird...it aint those kinda feelings...i aint ready for that now...but well...its weird...maybe...i'm just looking for a good friend in you...a person that understands...a person that can be my mentor...my confidante...my bestest friend...yet...not in that way...but in another...
i am angry today...i saw A...so many times...and came so close...too close for comfort...it wasn't my fault...i was on the search for Nurdin with ranjani...and i assumed that he would walk behind me...he didn't...he walked a different route...and passed directly infront of me as he emerged frm behind a corner...scary...too scary...i wonder sometimes..does A even know abt this great fear i have toward him? what if he knew? what would he do then? would he be nice and avoid me bcos he knows that he scares me out of my wits? or would he purposely try to pass nearby...to scare me even more? i really wonder....but for now...i know that since there is this great fear...i keep far far away...as far as possile...no glances...no way that we are going to be in the same room or place together...no...not if i can help it...
excrutiatingly beautiful pain visited this morn...it felt so good...i bet they dunno how good it feels...they never indulged in it before...the shiok factor is so great...so very very great...
...
give in to your temptations...
3/29/2004 10:00:00 ap.