I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
maanantaina, maaliskuuta 15, 2004
Empty Wishes
I wish i had hated you...for now i just can't bear to...i wish you left me alone in the first place...for if you had, there wouldn't be this rift between us...i wish i had never met you...for if i hadn't, then i wouldn't think about you night and day...i wish you never let me hear the steady beat of your heart...for now it haunts me as i sleep...i wish i had never let you see me cry...for everytime i cry now, i long for your soft whispers to comfort me...i wish i never had heard your voice...for if i hadn't, then i wouldn't want to hear it singing to me again...i wish i had never felt your gentle touch...for then i wouldn't long to be in your arms everytime i'm down...i wish i had never been born...for then you would live without me existing...and i wouldn't have angered you...for then, i'd have never met you...yet...i can't imagine my life without your presence...for you made changes that no one could...for you made me see...for you became my best friend in less than an hour...and comforted me in the way that no one else could...how could you shatter my heart this way...how could you make my perfect heart...untouched by anyone but you...cracked...it can't be glued back again...for some parts are already missing...some part you hold on to...some parts cannot be replaced again...i'm imperfect now...and you know i can't accept anything but perfection...i thought when i was so down, that at least, i had you...but now i don't have that anymore...what shall i do now....i feel like crying...and doing nothing else...i can't relieve myself...not like i used to...not in the most effective way...so how am i to bear this...hostility btw one of my friends...the one who cares and was there to give me a hug is so far away...with one so near yet so far...and another, so far, yet so close to my heart...how am i to go on...how can i bear the last few days of my contract...no...i'm sorry friend...i can't do this by myself...and i can't distract myself...not in this case...but i'll try...and if i don't make it...then i can't do anything to make amends...
i better stop...bcos i think i'm thinking too much now...i better go to sleep or walk or sumthing...at least...if i can't...i can cry....
tears...they never comfort me...but i let them flow...why...
3/15/2004 01:25:00 ip.