marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
maanantaina, maaliskuuta 29, 2004
...painpainpain...
silence...silence...heartache...heartache...
no...not heartache bcos of silence...but heartache bcos of silence of someone...
how can you ignore me in this manner?
how can you make me think you are ignoring me...and keep me in suspense...only to give me a wide grin later...to tell me that you actually weren't?
how can you always keep what you are feeling from me...when i open my heart so freely to you?
how could you...how can you...and how long will you continue?
aches...aches...anxiousness...
relief...i seek relief...and relief shall come soon...
i miss the warmth of the sunshine...the warmth it lovingly showered on me...i can see...it's hiding behind a cloud now...just as the moon is hiding behind fog...this moon aint avoiding the sunshine now...neither is the sunshine avoiding the moon...and why is that so...bcos we aint quarelling...yes...we had a rough patch...we overcame it...so now...we aint quarelling...the question is...are the moon and sun cohabiting again...are they going to hide behind their clouds forever...the answer is no...bcos this moon wants the sun back...to form another solar and lunar eclipse...and make the others look it awe at the grandeur....and magnificence...but can i trust the sun not to be jealous of my star...can i trust the sun not to accuse my star of stealing the moonlight from him...this i not know...its to be found out soon...maybe never...but i know now...that the sun and moon are not ready yet...not just yet...but if they are...i doubt they'll pass on the eclipses...no...they wont...not if they are ready...
self hate...hatred...for self..i'm harping again i know...but i only do so...when the feelings intesify...and i hate myself even more...there's nothing you can do star...not for now...not whyle you dunno...i pray you are in the dark for much longer...
3/29/2004 12:40:00 ip.
...mystical 3...
3...the number of creativity...also an odd number...my favourite number...whe you see the maiden moon out...kiss your hand 3 times to it...3...the number of children in our family...3...the number of times i've cried in a day...
besides 3...today...not so good...thank gdness for my watch...to hide it...or Alvin would have seen...i know Ranjani saw it...but there's nothing she can do...unless she tells Alvin...
we stopped fighting...yes...we did...but i dunno abt the trust part...and whether we can go further...that i dunno...
tests...tests...head shattering...i dun feel like going fer band tml...i dun feel like going for session on thurs...dun feel its worth it...everytime i come out...it makes me feel worse...because once again i had to hide behind a mask...to keep everything out...i blurt out some things...yea...but not anything significant...not enough to let him know...
camps coming up...study camp...then there's also band camp in may...and also a council camp if i'm not mistaken...wateva...just as long as there's no ppl forcing me to eat...council camp...i dunno abt that one...might have the oakley bro's there to do that...maybe i should just skip the whole thing...then i shan't have to bother abt it...sick and tired of being forced...
hate for myself subsided...no...intensified...why...i dunno...i just hate myself...i passed a test...and i hate myself...not for passing the test...but passing too low...pass...so what...i can't even pass well...shows how stupid i am...how much i deserve this hate...whatever...
what is it abt you that makes me look for you everytime i know you are near?
what is it abt you that makes me worry abt you everytime i don't see you?
what is it abt you that makes me want to talk to you everyday...and if i miss out at least a hi frm you...then it makes my day seem dismal?
what is it abt you that makes me want to prove you wrong?
what is it abt you that makes me want to be near when we are apart?
what is it abt you that makes me want to stay far away when we are near?
weird...it aint those kinda feelings...i aint ready for that now...but well...its weird...maybe...i'm just looking for a good friend in you...a person that understands...a person that can be my mentor...my confidante...my bestest friend...yet...not in that way...but in another...
i am angry today...i saw A...so many times...and came so close...too close for comfort...it wasn't my fault...i was on the search for Nurdin with ranjani...and i assumed that he would walk behind me...he didn't...he walked a different route...and passed directly infront of me as he emerged frm behind a corner...scary...too scary...i wonder sometimes..does A even know abt this great fear i have toward him? what if he knew? what would he do then? would he be nice and avoid me bcos he knows that he scares me out of my wits? or would he purposely try to pass nearby...to scare me even more? i really wonder....but for now...i know that since there is this great fear...i keep far far away...as far as possile...no glances...no way that we are going to be in the same room or place together...no...not if i can help it...
excrutiatingly beautiful pain visited this morn...it felt so good...i bet they dunno how good it feels...they never indulged in it before...the shiok factor is so great...so very very great...
...
give in to your temptations...
3/29/2004 10:00:00 ap.
sunnuntai, maaliskuuta 28, 2004
...excrutiatingly beautiful pain...
i made cookies...i can't believe i was so bored i made cookies...what utter crap what i thinking...anywyas, i did it all wrong...and it came out nice...weird...wrong and nice...whatever...i'm weird myself...but the nice part...there's no way that ever be nice....
jelly...my sis made jelly...that was nice...cos she made it...
my bro...he was supposed to make the cookies...but guess what...he didn't...bcos he made such a mess of things when he asked me to help that i shoved him out of the way to take over...and made a less mess...still a mess...i always make messes...why is that...let me see...oh yes...because
I'M A MESS
what does it feel like to be a mess...it dun feel like anything...just that constant element of HATE towards yourself...
oh yes...the pain was excrutiatingly beautiful...yes...it was...it felt so good...so beautiful...
a scar on your soul...a scar on your heart...guess what...these scars will always hurt...they will hurt though they are supposed to be healed...pain inside...unbearable...pain outside...beautiful...
3/28/2004 11:03:00 ap.
...i heart you...
know what...i thought that you'd be the one person who would understand...but you aren't...not like you said you were...
i heart you...bcos i dun have the capability to hate you...also because i don't think that i'll ever have the capability to trust you fully...not anymore...like i used to...and i won't let myself be a burden to you anymore...not even if you want it bad...
well...Alvin...you told baby i made you a promise? on thurs? i think you misinterpreted me...i din make any promise...i only told you that i made no promise to anyone anymore...bcos you don't make promises...and i think that that is good...bcos then you won't have any promises to break...
still aching...aching worse now...bcos of somethings i know...and some things i've seen...so it hurts bad...you might ask why i like pain...if i say it hurts...not this kind of pain inside...i love physical pain...physical pain is so much easier to handle...so much nicer...yes...i say nicer...you seldom will see me take a rest because of pain...because i like it...and i want more...
"...
In great happiness, don't make promises; in great anger, don't answer someone's letter..."
3/28/2004 01:53:00 ap.
lauantaina, maaliskuuta 27, 2004
...Achy Achy...
everythings aching...my back...my head...my arms...my legs...my heart...yea...everything...especially the last one...another reason to hate myself...
wonder why i'm harping on and on about reasons i hate myself? simple...because i DO...and because i can't find reasons to love myself...and because i don't need to love myself...and bcos i don't deserve any love...yup...none...not even from myself...
guess where i'm heading...actually i ain't heading anywhere at all...bcos i was always in the same place...i just choose not hide the fact anymore...tired of the hiding...tired of everything...tired of myself...
so what if i want to attain perfection? its my business isn't it? so stop going on and on abt what i should do and shouldnt do...then tell me that i'm difficult...and a burden...yes a burden...you only make me feel worse...shut up i tell you shut up...
beauty? i couldn't write it evan...i just couldn't...no such thing exists to me...
...
and shivered as he found what a grotesque thing a rose is...
3/27/2004 10:05:00 ap.
perjantaina, maaliskuuta 26, 2004
Silence
silence...its been my solace...for so long...and yet, i find that someone...someone i care abt...finds nothing but sorrow in silence...emptiness...my silence is so pregnant...that it can't be filled anymore...
why silence? bcos its been too noisy for too long...i had to shut out everything...the noise...the shouting...the cries...and cry silently...for these silent cries...they seem to have been silent for a long while...not bcos i intended them to be...just bcos...the other noise made it seem soft...almost inaudible...so now, i choose to make them silent...totally unheard by others but myself...when i cry...why i cry...no one will ever know...but myself...
to my friend...enjoy your period of silence for now...it will fill slowly...and i think the emptiness is best for you...for you will be killing yourself internally if your silence was pregnant...embrace that empy silence...before it gets too noisy...
3/26/2004 03:02:00 ip.
Hate
To love myself...impossible...
To hate myself...thats being realistic...
to hate myself..so simple...
to hate myself...a reality...
to show i hate myself...necessary
to show i hate myself...dangerous...
to show i hate myself...purposeful...
to show i hate myself...fun...
ppl dun agree that i should show i hate myself...
its necessary...so that everything will be okay...
besides, i ain't showing anyone else but myself that i hate myself when i do what i do...
so ppl pls get off my back...
friends, don't try to understand...bcos it will require alot to understand
i dun want you to waste your effort...
and bcos i'm a burden to you...i want to relieve you of your burden...
bcos i'm a burden...i hate myself...
Hate...not for anyone else...just for myself...
3/26/2004 12:20:00 ip.
torstaina, maaliskuuta 25, 2004
self hatred
I hate myself because...
I'm a failure.
I'm different
I never know how to handle myself
I'm a burden to others
I'm a horrible friend
I'm a horrible student
I never do what i want to do
I don't know how to put all my thoughts into words
I don't lead my councillors properly
I set a bad example by being me
I'm forgetful
I'm too emotional
I possess no self control
I'm selfish
I'm ungrateful
I'm ugly
I'm scared of something I shouldn't be scared of
I can't sleep properly
I don't know how to manage my time
I'm a horrible elder sis
I'm a horrible daughter
I'm a horrible grandaughter
I have a bent back
I'm tall
I'm clumsy
i have lousy grades
I can't look people in the eye
I'm fearful
I'm messy
I'm sloppy
I'm lethargic half the time
I annoy people
I annoy myself
I'm a source of irritation
I have no purpose to be on this Earth
I was born
I lived up to this age
I trust others too much
I've been betrayed so many times
I always have an answer to my questions but i forget it in half a minute
I'm a distraction to others
I attract alot of attention wherever i go
I have so many friends who trust me but i can't trust myself
I have a horrible name
I play horrible music
I sin so much
But most of all...I hate myself because...
I'M NOT PERFECT
self hatred...making my temptations stronger...resistance is futile...so why resist...give in to your temptations...just like i am about to soon...very soon
3/25/2004 08:36:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 24, 2004
oh please dun take my sunshine away....
i'm thinking abt the sunshine again...and it hurts bad...cus he accused me of something today...hey...i'm not out there to spoil your rep...and i know you have a rep to keep...just like me...but if stuff leaks out...or ppl make assumptions...or jump to conclusions...dun blame me straight...already...i gave you my heart...you smashed it...and then tried to glue it back and return it...and now this...can't you trust me just once? i'm not out to sabo you so stop those accusations, ya...can't you tell...it still hurts so much...and you are out to hurt me more...and at the same time, you tell me you care for me, really...i dun get you anymore...i really don't
i cried on my way home today...i was alright all the way up to the traffic light facing my block...chang yong and tabitha were on the other side of the road...and well...there was someone behind...and i din notice...and as soon as the light turned green...the person behind walked past me quickly...A...i got the shock of my life...and he walked in the same direction as me...with his friend in front...so i walked into the blocks quickly...and walked as slowly as possible to avoid bumping into him...but i couldn't stop trembling...so close...too close for comfort...its like my bad dreams coming true...and it seemed so for that moment...still shakin...
some stupid talk...made it worse...temptations...growing, growing...and to have ppl like the Oakley bro's to rub it in dun help...i know, i know...you are trying to show you care...but pls...dun rub it in? its bad enough as it is...
temptations...what do you do when they grow stronger...resistance is futile
3/24/2004 11:40:00 ap.
tiistaina, maaliskuuta 23, 2004
Trust
this is for you evan...
you have so much trust in me...and i made that commitment...and i made it because i didn't want to lose you...i lost the sunshine some time ago...and so i don't want to lose you as well...you are just too precious...don't you ever worry friend? worry that it was not sincere...that the commitment made was not from me heart...worry that it was not true? i think you should worry friend...because when i don't give my heart...then it will be difficut to remember...
you see me smile friend...you've the same smile before...don't you worry? worry, that the smile you see now is the same as the smile you saw before? Don't you worry that the smile is as meaningless, as empty? And the commitment i made...an empty promise? worry that...i've put on that mask once more...and am smiling on the outside...but weeping inside?
i don't know friend...i honestly don't...because i feel so empty now...
remember that day...when i told you that i wanted to cry and you told me to smile? i felt so sad....so hurt...and so touched...i felt sad...because once again...i'm not allowed to be me...i felt hurt...because you asked me to choose between me and you...even when i told you not to...and i felt hurt because you actually had a notion of leaving me...if i had not made that commitment...i felt touched...because i knew it took alot out of you...and yet...you gave all you could...to show you care....then...i felt empty afterwards...because i had totally no idea how to go about doing what you expect of me...
i'm afraid friend...i'm afraid i'll let you down...i'm afraid...that i won't remember...i'm afraid that the trust you gave me...is not a gift that i can take...because it seems so precious...like crystal...in buttery hands...
i need time friend...to learn to love myself as you asked...because i have no idea what loving myself is...and now that i have to do it...it seems such an uphill task...without your help...i really wonder...if i made that commitment sincerely...or just out of fear of losing you...
"loving myself will take time to learn, but loving others...its a miracle...almost magical" MSH
3/23/2004 10:28:00 ap.
maanantaina, maaliskuuta 22, 2004
commitments...
a commitment...i made one...bcos someone pinpointed my weakness and asked me to do it for him...i can't choose btw me and him...i'll always choose him...gosh...so now, this commitment...i have to do something i've never done before...love myself...thats hard...very hard...
remember the dear mdm chan...the band teach in charge for like 4 yrs...yea...she aint in school anymore...but i remember she gave me a hug last yr during teachers' day...and i remember...she told me that i don't love myself enough...and i also recall telling myself....thats not true...i don't love myself at all...
so now friend...i have to find something to love about myself...and i'm having a very hard time...bcos i've never loved myself before...so i dunno what is there to love about myself...with the sunshine...i'm sure he loved the moon...if not alot...then at least to some extent...but why the sunshine loved the moon...that i have no idea...
so now...i don't know how to go about what i need to go about doing...all i can say is that...i'm glad to have a friend like him...who makes me do impossible things...and now i need his help once more...to learn how to love myself...do me this favour...bcos you made me commit...or i'll never be able to pull through....
yes...friends...i love them...do they love me? one does...thats enough...just one...cos once good friend makes a big difference...
3/22/2004 11:42:00 ap.
sunnuntai, maaliskuuta 21, 2004
Moody
left early this mornin to see evan play at takashimaya...haha...him and the raiders...well, i wanted to take the mrt and make it for the ferz match...but as usual, my mother insisted we take the bus...and not only that we took SOO long to get out of the house...so well...lets just say i was pissed off...bcos the bus took soo freaking long...and i ended up arriving like half and hour late...geez
so we went separate ways...was kinda in a bad mood...and then i saw evan...yea...its been a long time so it was cool...then watched him and eric play and stuff...was there for moral support...was so funny...i was like one of the tiny grp of supporters they had...so i felt kinda left out...but well...we talked and stuff...aft a long while...abt that guy....yesh...THAT guy...so irritating...and he sorta cheered me up a little...thank you, friend...i'll be there when you need me too...
headed home cus they were staying until like 6...and i wanted to go also, give them their time alone to discuss what happened...so i took the MRT back...only to find it was goin to rain...and i din have the house keys cus isi just changed the locks yesterday...not to mention isi wasn't back frm cycling and also my mum was not home...so i went to join them at Tamp...they were eating lar there...
mann..i wished isi had come to watch...he's be interested cus he plays bandy...ice bandy as well...so it was kindofa waste...wth...he can always play himself...there were lots of Suomalaiset there...and raiders like played against a grp of them...yea...coolness...so entertaining...Suomi sooo rawks...
yea...still hurts...and the wound hasn't healed...dang...thanks fer the advice evan....appreciate it lots..hugz...
missing you so bad...cos you left me...and it hurt...like a star leaving the sky...
3/21/2004 10:14:00 ap.
lauantaina, maaliskuuta 20, 2004
Personality Tests
trying to find out more abt myself...and why i act the way i do...and why i feel the way i do...so i've been taking some paid personality test...and guess the results...
as before...i'm an INFP...
check out the Cattell test just below my chatterbox...can see something...
stumbled across this also...
Disorder Info
Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal
Individuals with these disorders often appear
odd or peculiar.
unfortunately...i'm all the above...
Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.
Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.
Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.
Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic
Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.
not all this time...just borderline...
Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.
AND ALSO....
Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive
Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.
Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism
well...at least...i'm only avoidant right?
whatever...it was a but weird...to know that i'm this different...but i find it still don't explain away my feelings...darn...and give me a solution...
3/20/2004 07:39:00 ap.
perjantaina, maaliskuuta 19, 2004
conversations
Band prac today...so cool...Mr Nonami-san came down today...it was real swell...we learned abt tonguing...and it was real diff frm Mr Masri and Mr Chew...we weren't expected to be louder than we could manage...and we ended up sounding really relaxed and nice...not lazy...but relaxed...coolness...
mann...i still can't sleep...and i want to so bad...but i can't...and i can't figure out why...sure, i try not to think before bed...and i don't fear having THAT dream...usually, no matter how weird the dreams are....i just let them come...but now i can't even sleep...gosh...this bites...
had a talk wif the notti "evan" today...yea...was kinda worried after the huge explosion....nono, not referring to the egg...but the other, more recent explosion...the explosion within...and guess what...he's gonna get his own song...well...he wrote the lyrics and i'm composing a melody for it...just see how it turns out...exploration...soul searching...yes..sounds nice...anyways, looking forward to seeing him this sunday...goin down to takashimaya to see him play...and give a huge hug...heheez...it was a deal...and i mean to stick to it...
lonesome..the pain's subsided...but no, it aint gone...and though the bleeding's stopped...there's a scab....and in time...a scar...lets see if its a small or big one...
well, master eric...you should be proud of me today...i managed to overcome the fourth rung...and now working on reaching the sixth...yea...i dun suppose you read this but...thank you...for your advice...i'l certainly try...like i always try...even when someone used to tell me to try before...nono, not the sunshine...just someone else...
i'm goin for an audition...trying to get chosen for a music camp in states sometime in June...coolness...3 sharps and 3 flats...not so bad...i learnt 5 sharps and 5 flats for ABRSM...and also a set piece...sight reading...the works...i don't think it will be too bad...just the competition will be tough...ppl frm SNYO also there, so i got TOUGH competition...tough competition=hard work, more sweat, more toil, more effort, and push to the limit...thats how i'll have to work...other than that, its a piece of cake...
i'm mastering the art of sarcasm...yea...how cool...and i criticised myself today...ah...the usual ar...
did the "funny" thing last nite...i feel relieved...and there was more than usual...i'll be approaching my goal soon...well...its not my prob...climbing ladder or not, i didn't sign any agreement this time...so heck...i'll do what i want...
REJOICING...making the ceiling touch my ladder...no...more like jumping to reach the ceiling...
3/19/2004 01:40:00 ip.
torstaina, maaliskuuta 18, 2004
Sleepless Nitez
still sleepless...tried to sleep but couldn't...can't figure out why also..argh...sleep deprived....now i can't even sleep to distract myself...
had to write this for PC activity today...title: ME? An Attention Seeker?
Quite frankly, I don't believe that i'm an attention seeker. But it really confused me when the remark was passed. It feels like that everytime one passes a remark like that. That single word or phrase, be it a compliment or otherwise, sets my mind in a whirl. Questions run through my head. Is that remark worthy of me? Confusion.
I hate being viewed by the public. I don't like to go out when there are many ppl around. I despise ppl who pas criticism easily. And I especially dislike being in the limelight. Yet, I find, I have to constantly watch my behaviour, at home as well as at school. I find I don't act naturally, unlike when i'm left alone, or with maybe one or two friends. Its hard, because it feels as if i'm being denied the right to be me. And on certain occassions, when i do try to be myslef, it freaks ppl out, even those closest to me.
I've been told that ppl always see me as a person who's always on the go. If i'm not here, I'm bound to be somewhere nearby, doin something else. What my peers don't know is that I do that so I can procrastinate, and avoid the monotony of doing the chores I'd have to do if I weren't busy, or showing that I'm busy.They probably think I am busy because I have many commitments. Its partly true, but not the entire truth.
So this makes me wonder. Do these ppl i call friends really know the true me? Are they friends with ME? Or are they just familiar with the person who I appear to be, and are friends with that person?
Some ppl have told me once that i am cheerful, crazy, take things lightly, and that i'm prone to emotional outbursts. Those close to me tell me that at times, they don't even know me, and feel they have to keep a distance. Especially when they think I'm moody. More confusion. Can i trust these ppl i deem to be my friends?
Excellence. I don't aim for that. To be extremely good, or the best does not mean that one is perfect. Perfection, according to the dictionary's definition, means to be flawless. I try to avoid all mistakes at all costs, yet, this cold flawlessness does not appeal to me. Perfect, to me, means that something has been given the utmost care. Delivered with love, from the bottom of one's heart. To reflect one's soul, and yet, flawless, or at least, as flawless as possible. That is perfection, and i strive for that in everything i pursue. So, it makes things difficult, when i give my heart, and its returned to me cracked, and flawed. To be criticised is hard, but I take criticism, because I strive for perfection, but also , more importantly, because I'm my greatest and harshest critic. It hurts, to know that i am not perfect, and i feel as if i have failed terribly.
So really...me? An attention seeker? No, I don't think so. But it makes me wonder, why others deem me to be one.
To reflect back on my actions is something that I do everyday, 247, you might say. I think abt my past actions, no matter how long ago it was, everytime, wherever and whenever I'm thinking. To seek for an answer. But I get no answer. It all ends in confusion, and nothing else.
FREE...like the former 3/6 [2003] used to say REJOICE!!!
3/18/2004 01:01:00 ip.
Tired
sleepy...very sleepy...haven't slept much in the past few days...ever since that incident happened...yesyes...i'm supposed to get over it...but it aint easy...wish i could sleep and not wake up...that'll be the greatest treat ever...
tired of climbing this ladder...and Robin said that actually...my ladder is too short to reach the place i want to...so i need to lower expectations...i kinda disagree...okok...i disagree a whole lot...it feels as if i'm climbing only to reach the top to jump off...and hit rock bottom...who knows...blood might splatter...on the sharp jagged rocks...
must i climb this freaking ladder...it seems too tiring a task...but yet, i promised master Eric that i would try...and i haven't even reached the fourth rung and i feel so exhausted...i feel like giving up...
i'm free today...so i can do what i like...with myself i mean...i dun need to follow that contract...all it did was make me feel worse...sigh...
i want to sleep...sleep deprived...
3/18/2004 11:00:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 17, 2004
Mind Boggling
watched butterfly effect todae...so fun...and it was so cold...
me and eileena talked abt alot today...even abt that...
i ate...at KFC...so funny...then we rushed out to see movie...
saw many ppl...frm school i mean...and was interesting...saw chester...
butterfly effect having a bit of negative effect on me instead...
distracted myself for most of the day...i guess its okay...since my agreement ends tml...
loneliness...funny seh...you send me mail to thank me for the hugs...no prob dear...i haven't been hugged for a long time as well...
lotsa love to my dear friends...miss ya lots...
3/17/2004 10:29:00 ap.
tiistaina, maaliskuuta 16, 2004
Irritation
i'm still so shaken...and hurt...and i wish i could just go for now i have nothing...
no one can help me now...not even my bestest friends...or the people that i trust...you know who you are...and i'm referring to you...because you told me you can't help me...i know now...you can't...i'm just holding on for your sake...
guess what...the jealousy came about because of you...because i chose not to break the other's heart...and chose to trust you...and so now...i have nothing left...
i saw you today...yes...and you gave me a huge grin...not a smile...i call that a grin...somehow...it confused me more...
i wish that my friend...the one far away...was here...to talk to me...and just sit in silence together...for i know, he knows what it feels like...
i have to go out with Eileena tml...well...i'll talk to her instead i guess...but it won't be the same as talking to that friend...i'll call him lonesome for now...well...lonesome...i miss you...and wish that i'd see you soon...be the way...send me the pics we took that day ya...and in case you get thigns wrong...no...i don't wish to go out with ya...just talk...like that day...
i hate the word kids...its really disrespectful...i don't mind kiddos...but kids? no...i dun even call my councillors kids...no matter how much trouble they give me...and how irritated i get with them...or even when they show me attitude...i NEVER call them kids...NEVER...so i hated it today when Mr Masri called us kids...whats more it was a bad practice...and so many accusations towards my section...i tried my best...pls acknowledge that...but i never like being called a kid...if you want me to work...i can show you...i have worked...i know i sound diff frm months before...yes...and its because of you and your hard work...i acknowledge that...as well as mr chew's of course...thanks mr chew...but NEVER EVER call me or any part of my section the K word...it shows you take us lightly and don't consider us important...really...
i feel angry...hurt...sad...every negative emotion right now...how will i go on?
3/16/2004 10:16:00 ap.
maanantaina, maaliskuuta 15, 2004
Empty Wishes
I wish i had hated you...for now i just can't bear to...i wish you left me alone in the first place...for if you had, there wouldn't be this rift between us...i wish i had never met you...for if i hadn't, then i wouldn't think about you night and day...i wish you never let me hear the steady beat of your heart...for now it haunts me as i sleep...i wish i had never let you see me cry...for everytime i cry now, i long for your soft whispers to comfort me...i wish i never had heard your voice...for if i hadn't, then i wouldn't want to hear it singing to me again...i wish i had never felt your gentle touch...for then i wouldn't long to be in your arms everytime i'm down...i wish i had never been born...for then you would live without me existing...and i wouldn't have angered you...for then, i'd have never met you...yet...i can't imagine my life without your presence...for you made changes that no one could...for you made me see...for you became my best friend in less than an hour...and comforted me in the way that no one else could...how could you shatter my heart this way...how could you make my perfect heart...untouched by anyone but you...cracked...it can't be glued back again...for some parts are already missing...some part you hold on to...some parts cannot be replaced again...i'm imperfect now...and you know i can't accept anything but perfection...i thought when i was so down, that at least, i had you...but now i don't have that anymore...what shall i do now....i feel like crying...and doing nothing else...i can't relieve myself...not like i used to...not in the most effective way...so how am i to bear this...hostility btw one of my friends...the one who cares and was there to give me a hug is so far away...with one so near yet so far...and another, so far, yet so close to my heart...how am i to go on...how can i bear the last few days of my contract...no...i'm sorry friend...i can't do this by myself...and i can't distract myself...not in this case...but i'll try...and if i don't make it...then i can't do anything to make amends...
i better stop...bcos i think i'm thinking too much now...i better go to sleep or walk or sumthing...at least...if i can't...i can cry....
tears...they never comfort me...but i let them flow...why...
3/15/2004 01:25:00 ip.
Drowning
I'm drowning in my pool of tears...
I cry for you but you do not hear...
My silent cries won't solve a thing...
For even if they weren't silent...
You wouldn't hear them...
I kept the things from you to keep you safe...so that you won't be hurt...so that you won't be heartbroken...but, i got this in return...its sad...it hurts...it took me so much effort to make sure you weren't hurt...that you're heart wouldn't shatter and have flaws...bcos even if i took the pieces up and glued them back together, there would still be cracks...yet...it took you so little effort to leave me...i know, you ask because you care...but i keep things from you because i care as well...and jealousy ...just because i tell someone else besides you...thats utterly ridiculous...because there's no room inside there for anyone but you...you just made it worse...
Agreement...i shouldn't have signed it...no, i didn't break it...or tear it up...but i have a few more days before i'm free...i just have to endure for awhile...its pretty much suffocating me now...
kept out of the house todae...to stop myself from thinking...to distract myself..kinda worked...i came home late,and i'm exhausted...yea...so i won't tonight...besides, i got prac tml...and a hug to claim frm min min...that sweet sotong...love ya dear...
I'm crushed...coz you keep a part of my heart...and i can never claim it back
3/15/2004 11:35:00 ap.
sunnuntai, maaliskuuta 14, 2004
Suddenly Single
it hurts, it really hurts...single...my sun won't shine on me anymore...yes, it hurts bad...
i just woke up from my nap...the nap that i was ordered to take...and i didn't feel any better...
i haven't learnt my lesson...someone kissed me last night...Melissa...but it reminded me of that incident...oh no...it didn't comfort me...
okay...i'm really rambling on to distract myself...from doing certain things...so i shall tell this story...
last night, i came home wif Sally, N, Huda and Fadzie on the train...Fadzie dropped first at Tamp,then Sally, N, Huda and myself dropped at PR...so Sally and N took 359 and me and Huda took 17 home...then i dropped Huda off at her block there...and walked home alone...so get this...i was walking to my block just about to enter the void deck, and i saw this cleaner in a blue shirt sweeping the floor,coming out of the block...he was looking down, i didn't see his face, so i thought that it was dangerous and i picked up the pace...he didn't follow and i thought nothing of it when i entered the lift...but i did see that he was in the blue shirt, and that his skin colour was pretty dark...so well...i didn't think there was anything wrong...
then today, my mother was commenting that there are many ppl arnd that hr...it was arnd 11 plus or midnite...then i said no, except for the cleaner sweeping the floor...and she was like...where got cleaner that hour, they all yesterday finish half day balik already
...then i was like...who else could that be...and she asked me what happened exactly...and concluded that i was REALLY lucky...because there are no cleaners at that time of hour...and i prolly saw a spirit...gosh...i din even know i did...creepy right...
okay i feel better now...just a tad bit freaked out...oh my...i can't believe i saw a spririt and i didn't even bother...if thats the case...how many of the ppl i saw last night were real?
i saw a boy skateboarding...at the station, i saw some guy walking behind me...a man sitting alone at the bus stop...i saw another old man walking under huda's block...and i saw a guy sitting at the bench at the bball court...really...were they ALL real...or was i seeing other things...my...i don't even know...
3/14/2004 01:36:00 ip.
Loneliness
The sun and moon are apart now...while one rises and shines, the other keeps away...and our hearts will never beat as one again...at least, we agreed it was best for us to cool it for awhile...because we really need each other...to co-exist...but for now, we cool it...for the best...and so we are apart for this time...
i really must thank andrew again for your hug...or rather, the three hugs you gave me last nite...they meant alot to me...really...and especially what you told me afterwards...thank you...
agreements, well...this one lasts one week...so it aint so bad...
MariaM: well...the taking care part has been settled since someone is taking care of me now...relax...i'm trying to okay...really ar...sorry never layan you...very rude...
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
3/14/2004 03:25:00 ap.
lauantaina, maaliskuuta 13, 2004
Triumphant Spirit
back home late...went for concert...and met andrew...haiz, you know the two of us like what rite when meet...hugz...i miss you andrew...yea, at least i can trust you...for sure...thankz for everything...love ya
so another accusation has come my way once more...wth...i'm not bothered...i'll do what i want when i want...so heck whether you care or not...you think i bother...geez...
touched my heart...
Lord, I have heard the tidings of Thee and of Thy might...
Thy deeds reveal Thy greatness; I tremble in Thy sight...
Lord, come, Thy work renewing amid the course of time...
In wrath remember mercy : Recall that I am Thine
3/13/2004 03:43:00 ip.
Lost contact
i blocked all my contact on MSN...ok lar, almost all...everyone except a few whom i shall not mention...
this letter i received..it came as a surprise...but when i opened it up it made me mad...deception...you think you can convince me...think again...no, my problem ain't simple...cuz it got nothin to do with you...just myself...not to be perfect...impossible...i can ONLY accept perfection...nothing less...
you tried to deceive me...don't think that i don't know who you are...don't think i know this is a desperate attempt to hold me back...its made me even more angry...i feel tempted to hurt myself...but the agreement...its holding me back...these wild feelings are in a cage...waiting to spring out...like spirits waiting for night to come...
a spark lit my flame...and its blazing now...out of control...i can't make that call...i'm against bothering that person...its freezing in the room we are in together...can't you sense the animosity...hostility...its there...like a wall between us...and its all because of you...
and the sunshine...it refuses to shine on me again..ignoring my calls...ignoring me...because of a simple word called jealousy...all i did was to talk to someone besides you...because i didn't want to hurt you...and you think i want to leave you...i don't...i can't bear to leave you...like a star trying to leave the sky...to me you are the sunshine...to you, i'm the moon...yes, we may not meet always...but we need to co exist, or the both of us won't exist at all...and like a lunar and solar eclipse...when our hearts are together...we join as one...we leave others in awe...accept that, and shine on me once more...don't make it worse than it already is...please...
if only...
3/13/2004 04:57:00 ap.
perjantaina, maaliskuuta 12, 2004
somethings really wrong...i wanna break down...
3/12/2004 08:06:00 ap.
torstaina, maaliskuuta 11, 2004
tired...exhausted...dazed...confused...
i'm hanging in no where...it seems as if there is two of me...one is the me in school with ranjani and co...and there is the me when i open up...and they are two different people...one seems so confident...the other feels that hope is lost...but yet, the second me dominates so much...so much so taht i even feel that me when i put on the face...take up the role of the confident me...is it even possible? i really dont know...like an actor, when he is put in a role...yes, he understands the needs and requirements of that role, yet he still feels the real him within himself...
i put on that facade...but it aint the same anymore...and i can't figure out whether the facade isn't the same...or whether its just me that aint the same...or maybe now that ppl know that it is a facade...i aint treated the same...
whatever...michelle wanted to crash out class today...and guess what...someone tried to report her...geez...thats called trust? and i thought I had trust problems...not that i don't, just that hers are much worse...correction...ALOT worse....
trust problems...brings me back to that...i know i can trust certain ppl...but i wonder if they trust me as much as i trust them...or if they even know that i trust them...on the other hand...i was surprised to find out that certain ppl trust me alot...more than they trust their closer friends...to be trusted when i can't trust seems a heavy burden...eugene was right, and i know now since we got the same prob, rambu...how am i handle the trust that others give me if i can't even handle the trust that i'm supposed to have for them...and how are others going to handle the trust i have towards them, if they hesitate to trust me....
i'm in a daze...i need to think...not too much, i promise, but just enough to try understand...
3/11/2004 11:49:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 10, 2004
i'm confused...totaly confused and lost...and also angry, because well...ppl are making comments without knowing the full story...
one tells me not to suppress my emotions...
another tells me i'm an attention seeker...
one tells me to keep everything to myself...
another tells me i have to tell everything to others...
one tells me that its not healthy to put up a false front...
another tells me that if i don't put up a false front, i'm only causing others to be worried...
if i follow one, i'll get slammed by the other...
i used to trust, but i get so many different signals at one shot now, i find i can't trust anymore...
not anyone, but myself...
sadness...well, one is because of someone who apparently can't be bothered with me anymore...but i have no sadness other than that...
feeling down, another thing all together...
you know what, i'm sick of always having to explain myself...
i've explained countless times, but NO ONE ever gets the right meaning, and if one actaully does, the person NEVER tells me...
so get the picture now?
yes, i know there are people trying to push me in another direction...
PUSH...i don't appreciate the PUSH part...
but the CARING part...i appreciate it...definitely...
I've even told kc before, i NEVER ask for care, so its up to you whether you want to or not...preferebly NOT...
are you ppl out there happy now? happy that you managed to abbuse me again....i've been accused countless times before, but never in this manner...and it hurts...ALOT...so heck...i can't be bothered with you ppl anymore...you got your explanation, and thats all i'll give ANYMORE...may you have a nice life...
3/10/2004 01:22:00 ip.
when will you get it...i don't THINK you won't understand...i KNOW you won't understand...so thats why i don't tell you...all you do is nag and nag and nag...you think i care anymore? I've SHUT YOU OUT...and everything you tell me has no effect anymore...too bad...
well...master asked me whats wrong today...not like i will tell him...NOT in a billion years...sorry...i can't...thanks for the concern though...that was a really rare instant...never been asked before so, well, kinda surprised...
for all those peepz out there who like to look into my eyes when we speak...STOP IT...i cannot hold your gaze...the last time someone did that i really freaked out...i freaked out so bad, the person who did it started to freak out after that....and has stopped gazing, thank goodness...
i still don't feel that its worth picking myself again...i've done so many times that i don't think its effective picking myself up anymore...so i give up, i truly do...i don't care anymore...i can't be bothered, why should i...the fact that i've tried pulling myself up so many times and failed shows that i am a failure...so why should i care anymore...
crapz, i got counselling tml...and like i said, i'm just going to keep silent...or at least not reveal anything anymore...not my feelings, not my intentions, not my plans...i'm sorry...
silence is my only true friend...
3/10/2004 10:18:00 ap.
tiistaina, maaliskuuta 09, 2004
you made me smile dear, thank you...its been a long time since i smiled at you...and i know that its been a while since i said something nice to you...but you made my day a wee bit better...thank you...
its crap...utter crap...
i've given up...no one can help me now...so i shall involve no one...i hope this explanation is sufficient...
whatever...i'm going to pray...pray that my misery is over...God, pls grant me my wish...
3/09/2004 11:43:00 ap.
i feel worse...much, much worse...
i wept last night...wept like i've never wept before...and i still found no comfort when i cried...so i broke my promise twice over...i should have never made that promise...because i should have known then like i know now...i will never ever be able to keep that promise...and since i did make it...its been on my conscience...nagging at me...making me feel worse...
it got worse at school...look, Alvin, i'm really sorry...i just can't talk to anyone anymore...and its not just you...and its not that i don't appreciate what you did...but i just can't...and i can't explain myself right now...remember this?
impermanence.temptation.void.[oakley][single] : i already gave my best in helpin u but seems as if to no avail
»«§áràh»« silent cries : gosh...now i dunno what to say...just that i know you are trying your best to help me...and have been a tremendous help and that i appreciate it...and that i thought that you actually were able to see that
impermanence.temptation.void.[oakley][single] : seriously i felt as if i'm doing nth much..juz lending u a listening ear..accompanying u to see the counsellor to not make u feel uneasy with that guy alone..
I told you i appreciate you...and i meant it....and you know what i said after that...i don't think there's a need to remind you any further...just don't be angry with me okay...not now...if i could explain, i would...but i can't...and if you are angry with me now...i dunno what to do but cry more...please...
Perfection...craving it once more
3/09/2004 09:40:00 ap.
maanantaina, maaliskuuta 08, 2004
Dear God...
Pls let me leave this world...
All I've been is a
disappointment to everyone, especially You...
All I've done is
sinned
And if I were left on Earth any longer, I would only
disappoint more, and
sin more...
I would end up causing more
pain...
I would end up causing more
grief...
And I haven't done anything right at all...
To cause more grief is more than I can bear...
So let me leave God, hear my plea...
For the
good of everyone...
I'm sorry God, I've
given up...
I'm sorry that I
can't move on...
I'm sorry that I've
disappointed You...
I'm sorry that I've
sinned...
I'm sorry for everything, God...
I'm so sorry...
So please forgive me, God...
And show me your mercy...
Please God...grant me my wish
3/08/2004 10:46:00 ap.
i'll remain silent now...no more am i to trust anyone...i don't feel like talking...not to the counsellor...not to my parents...not to Ranjani...not to Mrs Lim...not even to Alvin...not to anyone...abt anything to do with my problems and feelings...bottle them up...i might as well...thats what's best for me right now...heck it...
well..you...you didn't even tell me that you knew...so i have only one thing to tell about you...you don't even bother to have me as a friend...i told you, i don't hate you...i heart you...i can't let go...not now...we've been friends too long...
i feel terrible...too terrible...i couldn't last 2 weeks, sorry friend...i had to, i felt i had to...
my heart was in your hands...but you broke it...and it can't be mended anymore...
3/08/2004 09:50:00 ap.
sunnuntai, maaliskuuta 07, 2004
this is not the first time you made me cry...these tears that trickle down my cheeks...you are the cause...and this is the effect...guess what, you touched my heart...but then you let it sink again...and i don't think you are even aware of it...i don't think you are aware that i cry because what you did...that everytime i argue with you i feel so down, i wish i could go and be free...the silence...its killing me...slowly, surely...for every moment we are silent, is a moment of our friendship lost...
it used to be so simple...but it isn't any more...because i don't even think you recall making that promise to me...sorrow...
i think you don't even know who you are...but i want to see if you do notice...and if you do recall...so if you DO know who you are...then, tell me the next time we meet...tell me you recall...tell me that you know...tell me that you noticed...tell me you don't want to argue anymore...just tell me...and then hope that it is okay once more...
3/07/2004 03:29:00 ap.
lauantaina, maaliskuuta 06, 2004
you want time...i'll give you time...you want space...i'll give you space...but not if you don't tell me what you want...every conversation has been full of one word ans...no..yes...maybe...and stop...and i try in vain to find out whats wrong...only to be told off...so what...its me again...the soft hearted fool...the one who always opens up and gets nothing in return...the one you can always run to when you have problems...but then get ignored...i've had enough...why should i even care for myself...if no one cares for me...yes...i repeat again...NO ONE...because guess what...if i am to trust one fully...i expect that i am trusted as well in return...not fully, because that may be impossible at times...but at least halfway or even more...because if that does not happen, then i might as well not open up at all...because it shows you don't care enough for me to trust me....or me to trust you...yes...NO ONE cares...
i'm fuming...i'm boiling...i'm fed up...i'm irritated...with myself...
fine, fine...its my fault...as per normal isn't it?
i saw you in school today...haha...we had a bit of fun...and talked some in a looong while...
but still it was all spoilt entirely, when i went home...
and then i'm reminded of something...
and of someone whom i'm very angry at now...
no, i don't hate you...i can't bear to...
i just heart you...
get that...because no matter how angry i can get with you...
you are still my friend and i can't bear to lose one...
so the day you actually decide to trust me...
i shan't bother about any promises i made...
they don't stand anymore...
the hole in my heart got bigger today...and its getting bigger every second...
esp when someone torments me in this way...
heck it...i'm goin to relieve myself now...in my usual manner...don't expect to see me anytime soon...
3/06/2004 12:38:00 ip.
perjantaina, maaliskuuta 05, 2004
i still can't believe she guessed right...now everyone is trying to guess...no one is right yet lar...but i'm afraid they will be in time...why, why did you have to go and give it away like that...what its done is done...lets just keep it quiet now...
well...i got quite mad today...wif someone...ok...it goes like this...person A, whom i'm mad at...accused person B, whom i'm close to, of telling me something abt A which is not true...in other words...a rumour...well, so i got mad...and then it blew over so i let it go...but then we were talking...and he told me something abt an argument with B once...and said that person B always does so and so and so...but the thing was, that it wasn't a private conversation, so others heard what he had to say...i'm kinda mad...and he also accused me indirectly of something...i know, it was meant to be a joke, but well...it hit me that things aren't going so well...
goodness...my nightmare was back with a vengeance last night...i actually dreamt A got INTO my room and the my BEDROOM...and A actually pushed me down by the shoulders and started struggling with me...i woke up and could hardly sleep the rest of the night...until the wee hrs of the morning...when i finally got to sleep...
well, well...someone is talking to me again...i really wonder why...so long that we hardly talked, but today we did...its weird...really weird...
the hole in my heart has not been filled...i want to just go...go far away...i broke another promise...but this time...i broke it because i had a reason...and i shan't elaborate further...
going...going...gone...goodbye
3/05/2004 10:23:00 ap.
torstaina, maaliskuuta 04, 2004
did my apologizing...but i still ain't satisfied...because something is not right...definitely not...
haiyor...you want to get us into trouble is it...for half a year no one knows..and already ranjani guesed...and then you go in front of class...stand close close...and whisper to me...and mr singh was just infront of us...i'm scared anyone else finds out...so be a bit more discreet please...i know, we've been to busy to really talk, but for now, we need to keep things quiet...just for now...and when its all over...we'll have all the time to do what we want...
heart ache...
why is it that everytime i argue with someone...i end up apologizing?
i'm i that much of a soft hearted fool?
am i taken for granted...
or do i allow myself to be taken for granted...
why me...
is it because of perfectionism?
because i want to correct all mistakes...
whether they are mine or someone else's
i got this hole in my heart...
that nothing has been able to fill...
nothing at all...
i wish i wish...
i wish upon a star...
that it will all be over...
that everything will end
and it will be lost for eternity..
Promises...i shouldn't make them any more..because my friend don't...so i shouldn't as well...sorry
3/04/2004 11:21:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 03, 2004
haiyor...stomach pain...eat biscuit in school...for a friend..
that reminds me how angry i am at you right now...because its pretty obvious something is on your mind but you refuseto tell me...which means you are not keeping your part of the deal...so if you don't i won't keep my part either...
well...o level music...din make my day more bearable...because no 1, i saw A in the canteen early in the morning...2, mr singh scolded wai kit...3, my filing is not complete and i have tonnes of corrections to do...4, some one is not keeping his part of the bargain...5, some one actually guessed who that person is...after like, half a year...
thats what bugs me the most i guess...no one guessed...not for half a year...and i just talked to him for half a minute today...and she guessed who he was on the spot...argh...why, why din we keep it more quiet...nvm..i trust her that she won't broadcast our secret to the whole wide world...yup...so we are safe...
i have a head ache...i have a back ache...my muscles ache...my heart aches...alot, alot, alot...my heart really aches...a sharp pain...i want to relieve myself like i always do...but i made a promise...and i keep promises that i make...not that ppl force me to make...
secrets...it was so perfect...it ain't perfect anymore...
3/03/2004 10:20:00 ap.
tiistaina, maaliskuuta 02, 2004
counselling...it seems so embarrassing that i have to go through that...whywhywhy...i feel a bit better...probably because of my dearie juniors at band...but when i near the time to go home, i can't take it...i wanna burst into tears...but its hidden...hidden from view once more...i've built a new facade...will it hold?
did the personality test...and it told me the same thing that every test has told me...i rule with my heart, not my head...i was pretty shocked with the true-ness of it...master is the opposite...total opposite...well...just proves i don't need anymore personality tests...all will say the same...
well...i don't know whats happening...what shall i say...everything flies past me so fast, i don't know where i am anymore...i feel lost...entirely...not because i'm not moving and don't know where i am...but i'm constantly moving...so fast...as if i was on a bullet train...and everything looks like a blur when i look out the window...a whirlwind...
Perfection ain't wrong...is it?
3/02/2004 10:22:00 ap.
maanantaina, maaliskuuta 01, 2004
must i care, must i care...i thought i could trust you...i thought i could believe in you...for i look up to you in so many ways..yet, you dissapoint me...in more ways then one...how could you....i'm so tired of trusting...and getting nothing in return....but my trust not honoured...and my time taken away...and my hopes dashed...
i thought i could let go...but you told me not to take my anger out on 'us'...may i know who 'us' is...because i wasn't angry, jus not in the sweetest of moods...but you made me angry...you made me cry...because just that moment i realised how unfair my 'friend' is towards me...you take things out on me so often...but just this once, i chose not to hide my anger...and i'm accused...accused of something that i though you would never accuse me of...of taking my anger out on you...
was it fair...that i gave up that time for you...that i waited and waited...and you didn't even tell me beforehand that you had something to do...you told me 15 minutes before...why...and laughter...i'm angry, i'm fuming...for you've just proven how much i can trust my friends...never ever will i trust them again...for you've spoken for all of them...every single one...thank you friend...for proving to me...for showing me...for enlightening me...
so, any of you others want to appeal for my trust...i can't, i can't...because of one single person...that one glitch...i can't trust...i'm tired of being a friend...or being a slave...of being everything...of beign alive...every breath seems laboured...because it takes so much effort to keep myself sane...to keep myself from doin 'silly' things...are they so silly...i don't find them so...maybe thats because i'm just so tired...so very tired...
3/01/2004 10:35:00 ap.