I have failed countless times to update this blog, and I have a feeling no one really reads anymore. However, since this was where I started writing it always feels most comforting to return to write short bit about my life here
I was browsing today this article where a number of individuals had submitted pictures or scans of their teenage diaries. I have hardly graduated out of teenhood myself; once a very interesting character told me that you don't truly stop being a teen until you've passed 25 years of age. Sometimes not even then. Yet I can't help but look at (the now hidden) entries that used to chronicle my life in secondary school and then in junior college. I was a very different person then, and yet, not so.
As I write this now, I am waiting for myself to fall asleep, for the memories in my head to die down so I may just tumble into a nice dreamless sleep.
Yet sleep evades me, as it naturally does when you need to wake mere hours later for the most important task of school. It feels so new all over again, because people just come and go and come back again.
But enough of my rambling, I should really try to at least close my eyes and lay down, and hope that eventually sleep will take me.
To all those people who left my life, I miss you. You know who you are
<3 M
marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
keskiviikkona, helmikuuta 18, 2004
i went to buy paper today wif ranjani todae...insisted to walk home alone...it was a windy evening...and i thought it would cool me down...but really...it din...i really try guys...i really do...i know, you disapprove of my decision, so i try to find reason to change it...but i just can't...i can't bear it...not any longer...
been putting up that act of happiness for awhile...i think ranjani buys it...so if she buys it, and oke buys it...then everyone else will buy it, and i will be safe for the time being...its so difficult sometimes...to smile when i dun feel like it...and to laugh when i'm not happy...so i look hysterical nowadays...i think i may be overdoing it...gotta tone down...
wrote some freaking compo abt despair...was in the mood...and my character died...and so my paper was passed round...seldom do characters die in my class compos...so it seemed interesting to them i guess...they are a bit too bubbly to imagine their character dying...so then they asked me why my character died...ha...i know why...no one else does...but i muttered some excuse abt having a "really morbid fascination with death"...thats really true...more true than most think...
still avoiding certain ppl....and certain ppl also avoiding me...A is a usual one...that there is a reason...but the rest...i dunno...heck with it...gnna be gone soon, so might as well avoid me now...
each day the cuts get deeper...each day, i sharpen it more...i apply more pressure...the best time has to be when i first get out of the shower...my skin is softest then...more pressure...more pain...closer to where i want to be...soon enough, the pressure will be enough...for now...i shall keep increasing it gradually everyday...so that i can enjoy some company and put on an act...to avoid ppl suspecting...to make ppl believe i have no reason to want to go...everythings according to plan so far...hope it continues that way...
2/18/2004 12:14:00 ip.