marlz. daughter. sister. friend. cousin. girl. 1988. born to die.
sunnuntai, helmikuuta 29, 2004
Character Suicide
Joshua Thompson
Why do I live?
Why do I die,
Why do I go through life,
Always wondering why?
The world seems to hate me.
They never understand
There always trying to mold me
Into something grand
Im always criticized
Im always punished for
Their Stupid laws
Which I really abhor
Yet indeed I am mourned
By my worst foe
Not one of them really cares
Their putting on a show
Their laughing at me now
As I watch from above
Its just another
Hurt causing shove
They one thing I wished for
The one thing I needed
Was the one thing
They hadnt even heeded
All I wanted was
For someone to love me
For someone willing to
Show me mercy.
But instead I perished
I just gave up and died
I chose to get away
By committing Suicide
I gave up my body
I gave into my demise
Because I saw through
Your detestable lies
But Im still alive
Im still here
I just wear a mask
Of darkness and fear
So remember
When your looking at me
your looking at someone
Who hides to be free
2/29/2004 05:53:00 ap.
You are the RAVEN and are a very sorrowful person but with grace. You seem to like tall dark trees to exclude yourself from others. You are always in search of someone who will listen but are lost in the dark. Sometimes it seems hopeless so you seem to keep to yourself and fly solo. You prefer lonliness over other things. You are the embodiment of sadness and death but it doesn't mean you are evil. In fact you can be either. You fear the game of love but strive for it. Don't lose faith for one day a ray of hope will shine in and free you of your burdoned shakles of fate. You will find someone to listen.
2/29/2004 05:46:00 ap.
i'm sorry...
i don't think i can keep my promise anymore
i really don't
and who's to blame?
none but myself...
its torment...
the road just seems to go on and on...
stretching into the horizon...
and endless torment...
how will it end...
unless i take things into my own hands...
to make my own destiny...
to write my own history...
yesh, there is anger...
there is hate...
there is sadness...
longing...
but it can't be changed now...
not ever again...
for this place is not big enough for the both of us...
just one...
and i willingly give my place up...
darling i last talkde to you on friday...
and you barely noticed a thing...
you don't know, so i'm grateful...
that you won't feel lost afterwards...
lost, like i feel right now...
whither do i go, whither do i go...
2/29/2004 05:05:00 ap.
lauantaina, helmikuuta 28, 2004
band...tiring...frustating...
why is it that when i try my best, i never get what i want?
i went to sleep...why did i wake...
why didn't i just continue sleeping, never to wake again?
i promised, i promised...
but i just don't know how to cope...
i wish i hadn't promised...
but for friendship's sake i had to...
so what now, how now?
what can i do?
whither do i go now?
where does this path lead me?
i want to cry...
to let my tears spill...
but it seems, i can't even do that now...
to speak is torture...
to not speak is torment...
to be in between...impossible..
Perfection...its my air...i'm suffocating now...
2/28/2004 11:47:00 ap.
perjantaina, helmikuuta 27, 2004
O level results came out today...feel pressurized...
ppl know, oh God, ppl know...
i'm to blame, i'm to blame...what can be done now?
nothing, thats the answer, nothing...
how master? how now?
i promised, i did...and you've done so much fer me but...
i know, i know, you want no buts...
i just can't help it...its just me...
so how now? how now?
Perfectionism...aint wrong to me...
2/27/2004 10:56:00 ap.
torstaina, helmikuuta 26, 2004
cryptic...its the best now...
all they say is to make noise...destructive noise...nothing makes sense in what they say...on and on like broken records...with nothing nice to say...begone...leave me be...
yes...it is...
these are the answers...
i dun care...
should i bother abt wad you are saying rite now...
it was a lie...they should have just said nothing...
i won't go...i'm going to bother abt other things...
so what..grief...do i care...
i'm lost not you...so stop your noise...
i just find my way back...
and then they notice...
so its a matter of face...
its not easy...
to be me..its certainly not easy to be me...
so stop abt the money things...
i thought things were confidental...
Alvin...I'm sure you din tell anyone...but I'm sure what you told ET was told to the broken records...i'm going on and on now...just like them...so they can hear my screams...shut up..just shut up...
2/26/2004 09:35:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, helmikuuta 25, 2004
i think i better start being more cryptic...
sarcastic comments...thats all i get...questions, questions...but none look at the full situation...no care...no concern...not in this place...its better out of here...where i spend most of my time...they don't take time to understand...accusations...
being strong...not possible...i think i better not allow access anymore...not to these ppl who don't understand...
wateva...i just don't care anymore...
2/25/2004 10:03:00 ap.
tiistaina, helmikuuta 24, 2004
had counselling today...i nearly cried in class...it was a grp one, so i couldn't let my tears flow...i rather not also...
in the end even mr collin asked me what was wrong...he stopped the lesson halfway and he was like...marlina, are you okay? you look very sad. are you sure you are okay?...sheesh...so i faked a laugh at his lame joke...worked lar...but recess ppl still ask what was wrong...i dunno...its seems as if my act of happiness is deteriorating...
had band...was okay...tired...as always...
okay, thank you to the every faithful taggers....
help: i seiously dunno who you are. it might be that you know me, so could you pls, pls intro yourself or something? by the way, i aim for my arteries, which are nearer the bone...means i have a better chance of dying
Frost: thanks for the concern baby, but i made up my mind...sorry
sayang, so sorry din manage to talk to you today...i saw you though...
thank you for the help master...i appreciate it...i think you dunno how much i need to talk to someone right now...so thank you, frm the bottom of my heart...
Perfection...it seems unattainable...i believe in eternal bliss...which means to be perfect
2/24/2004 11:20:00 ap.
maanantaina, helmikuuta 23, 2004
investiture is finally over...i finally settled my students in for their lessons...then we had lessons...
i made a wish last night...and i thought it came true this morning...i couldn't wake up...and in class i was breathless, and dizzy...but it was just a passing spell...darn...i tried again this morning...it was deeper..
you didn't come to school today...i sat on stage, looking over the crowd, hoping to see your face smiling up at me...but there was none...i hope you are ok..rest well...i dreamt of you again...and this time, we were together...talking and stuff...to sleep forever is to be with you for eternity...eternal bliss...i wish to sleep forever...for only then will it ever be true...
Imperfection is not an option...
2/23/2004 09:35:00 ap.
sunnuntai, helmikuuta 22, 2004
i finally agreed on something with mummy...i'm useless...she said it to me just now...so now i add on to express fully her feelings as well as mine...i'm useless, pahtetic, gd for nothing, cruel, undeserving, everything nasty in the dictionary...and so i conclude again, why should i be living...its not as if she doesn't know...she told me herself that she knows...so since i have parental support in a way...i can go all out to do it now...how nice...
2/22/2004 09:36:00 ap.
lauantaina, helmikuuta 21, 2004
went to buy stuff...then slept...then went out again...boring..tired of everything....of myself...of my family...of life in general...
i dreamt of you sayang...of the nice times...in your fave place of course..where you always are...it was special...and so real...but i woke up and realised it was a dream...so i want to go to sleep again...and never wake up, so you'll be with me forever...
wish to be in your arms...to feel your touch...to hear your voice...but it won't happen longer...not for very long at least...so i want to treasure these last moments with you...
it din work again...i really must sharpen it more...or apply more pressure...or it'll never work...then i'll be in hot soup...
2/21/2004 04:14:00 ip.
perjantaina, helmikuuta 20, 2004
freaking day...my crampz frm yesterday continued todae..and i had to do running bcos i missed the test when i was sick...crapz...my tummy hurt like crazy...still does..
so i reverted back to being the fake me to please master alvin....and so we talked some...i know he knows...but i din think he realises...nvm...
i wonder why this person hates me...i know her for 4 yrs...seldom talk to her except if its projects...and even genuinely compliment her...actually, i like her as a person....but i know she hates me...i really am quite confused...bcos since i seldom talk to her it can't be something i said...and nothing i did...and i can't have said something to someone else abt her bcos i never ever talk abt her...so wad could it be?...nvm...
sheesh...i did it in the dark this morning...aim also aim wrongly, so nv work lar...how long issit gonna take before i hit the right spot to get it flowing...to drain it out...to turn cold? as long as it takes, i will continue...
Flaws are not good for those who expect perfection...i have flaws...how then?
2/20/2004 08:48:00 ap.
torstaina, helmikuuta 19, 2004
so we had SOP today...so realistic...how i wish i was one of the casualties...literally...anyway...we had to go for lunch while the rest of the sutdent population wathced this STOMP thingie...haiyor...i thought this is a free country..whether i choose to eat or not is ultimately left up to me...gosh...then they threatened to tell my mother...mrs teo...mrs lim...and everyone they could think of...oke even chased mrs lim...bluff me one...but he did tell someone...of all ppl he told was master Eric...nvm...he can't be bothered wif me in the first place...so he won't eat me up...or scold me...so i'm safe in that sense...
so i found out the ppl i thought were avoiding me are actually NOT avoiding me...doesn't matter actually...i just trying to act natural...so the stupid smiles and stuff...
it was redder today...and i woke up late so it was a quickie...worked well though...can do again...
2/19/2004 10:04:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, helmikuuta 18, 2004
i went to buy paper today wif ranjani todae...insisted to walk home alone...it was a windy evening...and i thought it would cool me down...but really...it din...i really try guys...i really do...i know, you disapprove of my decision, so i try to find reason to change it...but i just can't...i can't bear it...not any longer...
been putting up that act of happiness for awhile...i think ranjani buys it...so if she buys it, and oke buys it...then everyone else will buy it, and i will be safe for the time being...its so difficult sometimes...to smile when i dun feel like it...and to laugh when i'm not happy...so i look hysterical nowadays...i think i may be overdoing it...gotta tone down...
wrote some freaking compo abt despair...was in the mood...and my character died...and so my paper was passed round...seldom do characters die in my class compos...so it seemed interesting to them i guess...they are a bit too bubbly to imagine their character dying...so then they asked me why my character died...ha...i know why...no one else does...but i muttered some excuse abt having a "really morbid fascination with death"...thats really true...more true than most think...
still avoiding certain ppl....and certain ppl also avoiding me...A is a usual one...that there is a reason...but the rest...i dunno...heck with it...gnna be gone soon, so might as well avoid me now...
each day the cuts get deeper...each day, i sharpen it more...i apply more pressure...the best time has to be when i first get out of the shower...my skin is softest then...more pressure...more pain...closer to where i want to be...soon enough, the pressure will be enough...for now...i shall keep increasing it gradually everyday...so that i can enjoy some company and put on an act...to avoid ppl suspecting...to make ppl believe i have no reason to want to go...everythings according to plan so far...hope it continues that way...
2/18/2004 12:14:00 ip.
tiistaina, helmikuuta 17, 2004
why don't they act like they did before...ranjani...you are a peach..you still act the same...and treat me the same...though you know...thats why you are my best fren...thanks..sayang...you too...i love you...
but the rest? masters...jonathan...my section...sallehin...everyone else is not acting the same...no more smiles...no more jokes...no more hi when they pass...ease my pain pls...and let my last days be good ones...not bad ones...
no meaning....no resolution...nothingness...but eternity somewhere off Earth waiting for me...
2/17/2004 10:44:00 ap.
know what? it doesn't make sense anymore...
do i hurt others in wat i'm abt to do? answer is NO...
so why issit that what i do is so wrong?
they say that i refuse to listen...
or issit just that their screams are deemed greater than mine?
if i go...will my screams be heard then?
or will they still be lost in eternity?
they say i'm different...
i know that...i can see for myself...
then will i ever be accepted for who i am?
how am i to JUST be myself if i have to be the same as others..
is uniformity so impt in this world?
care...concern...kindness...
they seem to be words used one too many times...
is their care superficial, just like everything else?
i actually believe so...
to love and be loved in return is the greatest thing...
i love others...but not myself
does that mean that those who i love do not love me...
i believe so...
to be dead is perfect...
uniform...
accepted...
aren't they all the same?
so death is my best option...
bcos when you are dead, there are no more questions
i still am questioning..
imperfection...
i'm useless..
i'm horrible...
i'm everything but nice..
hooray...guess where i'm heading?
2/17/2004 10:34:00 ap.
maanantaina, helmikuuta 16, 2004
i got back my scissors...and nearly got them confiscated again
FUMING
i make no promises...to no one, abt this...
so leave me be...stop interfering
i trusted you guys not to toy with me...esp not you Alvin
bcos i place that trust in you...
apparently...you dun want to honour my trust...so fine
just leave me be...
2/16/2004 10:43:00 ap.
sunnuntai, helmikuuta 15, 2004
so, i damage myself...
big deal...
i don't care for myself, so why should you?
i wish, i could go far away
away from this place called earth...
did it ever occur to you that i want to do this?
leave me be
be gone
and let me decide my own path to take...
why is it that i'm always expected to be strong?
everything is so superficial...
even this 'care' that they claim to have
they claim they do...but do they?
i said my goodbyes
and i say them again...
i mean it...
i'm sorry dear...
i could live for you or die for you
but this time, i'm doing it for myself
just this once...
i love you...
pls forgive me
2/15/2004 04:33:00 ap.
lauantaina, helmikuuta 14, 2004
I'm going asap...and if i can't, i'll take the longer, more painful way out...
Aisam knows...i still haven't gotten my scissors back...darn...
Alvin...i said bye..and i mean it
I HATE MYSELF...MY LIFE...EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME
2/14/2004 02:39:00 ip.
auringossa aina...
varjo seura kulkijaa...
kun paiva painuu pilveen...
niin varjo katoaa...
mailmassa monta on ihmeelista asiaa...
se hammastyttaa..
kummastuttaa pienta kulkijaa...
siililla on piikit...
linulla on hoyhenet...
pupulla ja oravalla turkit pehmoiset...
mailmassa monta on ihmeelista asiaa...
se hammastyttaa..
kummastuttaa pienta kulkijaa...
muurahaiset aina rakentaa ja rakentaa...
vaan eivatko ne koskaan vlamihiksi saa?
mailmassa monta...
matkamies kay rantaan lammen vetta juodakseen...
niin peilikuva katsoo alta tyynen veen...
mailmassa monta...
mitenkahan lumpeet kelluu veden pinalla...
ja yhta kevyt korento on niiden rinnalla...
mailmassa monta...
kalat asuu vedessa ja kuu ja tahdet taivalla...
mut lapset voivat purjehtia unilaivalla...
mailmassa monta on ihmeelista asiaa
se hammastytta, kummastuttaa pienta kulkijaa
2/14/2004 09:27:00 ap.
perjantaina, helmikuuta 13, 2004
I HATE MYSELF
he stole my scissors...but i have a penknife...too bad master
2/13/2004 01:12:00 ip.
keskiviikkona, helmikuuta 11, 2004
its getting worse...hmz...tried to sleep...but couldn't..and i had this major argument wif chay ker last nite...i dun want you to remember me aft i'm gone...bcos i'm not worth it...but it doesn't mean i'll not remember you as long as i live...or have the ability to remember...i still remember all the things you've ever told me...and all the times you touched my heart...and the times you hurt me...and last nite, you did both...so i'm sorry...my mind is made up...and i wish you'll forgive me for wateva i do...and accept my decision...i never stpped you frm doing anything you wanted to before...and i supported you all the way...just support me, just this once...and you'll never have to ever again...take my word on that...i love you as a friend, for being who you are...dun deny me from being myself...i'm sorry
i went to school...but i din want to...had terrible class...revised for bio during physics...mr colin wasn't there....but when came the test...i totally blanked out...more remedials...i guess...hated my recess...turned frightening when spotted A in the canteen...wateva...i can't stand this anymore...
classes again...have lotsa hw to complete...then got SPA...then music...Bela Bartok made me feel worse...esp Concerto...stupid bird flu...went down only to find Alvin who wanted to talk to me...nothing you are goin to say will change my mind..only one thing can change my mind...and one person...but i dunno...i know you are trying to help...but pls...let me do as i want..just this once...my ankle's no better...SOP...might not be there...depends on what happens tonight...lets see if i'm successful this time..i hope i am...
sayang...i did not talk to you today...i will tml if i'm there...i'm sorry...i love you...
2/11/2004 12:01:00 ip.
tiistaina, helmikuuta 10, 2004
i wish i could go to sleep and nv wake up again...my leg hurts, my head hurts, my heart hurts...everything hurts, esp the latter...i went to school today wuite upset..i dunno whether it was yesterday's full cup of depression that spilled into my today cup...but i felt really sad...upset...depressed...lets shorten things and say everything negative okay?
so got duty in the mornin...then the back gate ppl were late and i covered them...then i was fed up...and then went to the tower to find that ppl cabut duty...and then got ppl brought certain things home that they were not supposed to...anyway, got that over with and went to the ps...some briefing...then go to class...
today's simulation was crap...as you know, i sprained my ankle....and i ran down....then got some ppl give me problems when pass messages...i feel so stress...so mr ang ask me wads wrong lar...then everything start spilling out...darn...not only that tears also start spilling out...sayang, i know you are concerned...thank you, dear...i love you...but if anything happens, and i'm no longer here...pls forgive me...pls darling...
go for recess also cannot stop...see A make me worse...then i saw you sayang...make me cry...bcos i dun want to spoil the joy you are filled with...so ppl were like...wads wrong...i can't tell you....pls just leave me alone...so well...ranjani...your a peach, thanks...but your smile din help me today...finally go up, then go for band...so we started off badly, and i felt much worse...then this fadzly say harsh things, so i bcome even worse...and all the teacher made me think more...gosh...i finally went off for lunch wit sinee...and then accompany sally....he ask so many questions sia...nvm..he made me smile at least...
then go back...i dun fall in...leg pain...so then we finish up movie adv...and we went home...turns out the blazer din fit alvin, so i have to bring the other one back...
i wish to leave...forever...into a world of my own...where there is nothing to worry about...but only the things you love about you...humour...music...and sayang...there for me...as you are here...you are the only part that makes heaven feel a part of earth...only when i'm with you...but not otherwise...i'm sorry...love you dear
2/10/2004 10:26:00 ap.
maanantaina, helmikuuta 09, 2004
joy? there is no joy for me...sayang...i can't tell you just how much i love you in words...but even you can't help me...i feel so depressed...stressed...definitely...lonely...not likely..hurt...i think so...suicidal..yesh...i admit i am...
tell me why i think i feel happy all the time...i do know for wure i am not...but does laughter hide pain...i can say it does hide my pain...from the outside...the inside is still a raw wound...that stings...and hasn't been covered...i have not healed...sayang...make it go away...
is love worth it....even love can't help me swallow my fears...love for my friends...love for my family...love for you, sayang...a wound so old still smarts so bad...as if i was just over that ordeal...not the 726 one...but something else...
weird dreamz...do they count...premonitions...and as my friends say tat i mulut masin is not fun...to have recurring dreamz is not fun either...esp when they are nightmares...like that of A...seldom do i have nice dreamz...i rephrase that...very seldom...why...why is it that i can be so confident of myself when facing any other person...but when someone just wants me to tell something to A for them, i start sobbing uncontrollably?
why issit that i have to face ppl who don't accept my choices? was it so wrong that i couldn't accept the post...i did think it over...and i don't regret my choice...its just that i can't take the despise ppl show me when they remind me of how i was SUPPOSED to be on the committee...
sayang...i really do love you...with all my heart, i do...can you forgive me if i leave before you do? will you still remember me...and love me for who i was...can you forgive me?...i will if i were you...and i will wait for you...love you darling...sleep well...
2/09/2004 12:59:00 ip.
went to school like and ah ma...limping all the way...my leg hurt like crazy, but i managed, i guess...well i went round checkin and stuff...like normal...then went to give out some stuff...crazy climb all the way up to the 4th storey...
so we had classes...recess we had to do some checking, and also to make some ppl buck up...and then we went back to class...
aft school met mr singh abt the SOP...then went up to get my bag, we had no remedial...next thing i know farhan ask me to run down to get stretcher...and i run down like old ah ma again...sheena sprained her ankle...haiyor...
then we went to break and then councillor room...had some fun there...then we had a meeting...i sat in front lar...and then we saw some presentation for the investiture...master Alvin kept disturbing me...so irritating...i already say i scared, then he still look and look..so i cry lar...then aft that he ask me who is A...and he actually guessed it...then threaten to go tell A...so i scared and really, really started crying...then he finally got the pic...so i bad mood lar...then go home worse...see A doin PDS...so i cry some more...and then go home...my mummy like...wad you crying for...i really scared..
sayang...i din dream of you last nite...it was that nightmare again..pls walk me home, i can't take this anymore...i actually heard footsteps behind me as i went home...pls...dun torment me anymore...sayang...help...
paranoia
2/09/2004 10:19:00 ap.
sunnuntai, helmikuuta 08, 2004
sheesh...wad a boooring dae...so i woke up kinda late, and i was SUPPOSED to go to Suntec wif Eileena...but her com giving her probs so she had to go down to Sim Lim instead....i understand cos i seen the condition that com is in...and boy, how teruk can a com be??
anyway, my mummy asked me if i wanted to follow her go jemputan...but i dun wanna since i dun want to wear my baju kurung....and it was soo hot...and the person was sumone i din know in the first place so i din bother...then she started nagging me to go vacuum the house...gosh...i hate doing that...
so she went herself...and i stayed at home to vacuum...and aft that i went out myself to tampines...i wanted to go to body shop...i've been eyeing this scent since xmas so i saved my pocket money like a good ghurlie...and i went rite out and got it...so nice...and i went to look out fer a pressie fer erhmerhm...sumone...
i roamed around tm fer awhile...then i went to century square...then i went to white sands...and i walked home...enjoying the evening breeze...while thinking of sayang of course...my leg hurt like crazy...and i was dreaming that he carried me home in those strong arms he has...notti Sarah...so i went to drive 6...and i saw some guy frm my school who nv says hi in skool but he did just now...
then i went to SPC and went home...so booring...chatting with michelle now...ciao
2/08/2004 12:09:00 ip.
lauantaina, helmikuuta 07, 2004
had flag dae today...hee...so my dae started reeeal early, around 5.30 AM and then i called ranjani at 6...then aft that i travelled ova to her place at around 6.35...and i waited there fer her father...he was sending us lar...hee...the way they argue is like the way me and my dad argue...just worse...i was kinda shocked lar but well...its like that one....
so we reached alrady, i look out fer 3 ppl...kumud, whom we were grouped wif...A, whom i wanted to avoid...and sayang, who i wanted to talk to...so well, kumud was there...but sayang not there...*sobs*...and A not there....woohoo...what a bittersweet start...but then again, we were early...
bad new, i saw A arrive a few minutes later...so i tried to hide...then we started to assemble...i saw Diana frm Ping Yi, Rachel frm Dunman, and then other guy frm Loyang...no sayang...so i worried, and fretted...and we started fillin up forms and stuff...then FINALLY i saw him come...rilek aje...sumore still late you know...well...he came rite? so i register...n to our horror we posted to TANJONG PAGAR!!! goodness...so we go to the back, and wait to go...n then masters and company started to ask questions, but we left...ahaaa...so funny...i did that to escape A actually who was there osso...
at the MRt, i top up card then we went up wif Mas and Yen Wei...talk some in the MRT...this guy actually asked Yen Wei if she wanted to model...wateva..so we go to TJP....soooo deserted...and the freaking GG were all ova the place...so we went to Outram...it was better there...we got some drinks and stuff...this nice lady actually said God bless...well, whoever you were, God bless you too...there were some nice ppl, some bad ppl...but all in the name of charity...
then we travel to City Hall...soo many cute guys...hee...notti Sarah...look at guys only...then got this cute Australian guy, said he would come back and smile at me....*swoon*...note to self...get an Aussie bf...no, canno....i love my sayang too much...yup i do....but well...no one can resist cute guys besides guys rite? ok...then its just me....
so well....we went abck to queue...so stoopid...then we finish we went off...saw sayang at the MRT...you very sweet lar....i think i shall forget abt the Aussie guy aft all...then we went to Tampines...eat already go home...supposed to have tuition wif master but he got HOT DATE...ahakz...wif some erhmerhm....hee...wah...first time i know...so fnny...so i let him off and told him next week...
go home then collapse...ahakz...then i sleep loong...reminds me, i saw aisam at the MRT, pasir ris one....sed band prac was atrocious....and the bass drum skin broke...n that zaki kept butting in....i wasn't talking to him...then horror...i saw A....oh no...why not sayang...why him...quickly go home...
had funny conversation wif family just now...laugh like crazy...now want to laugh again...
sayang...sleep well...have sweet dreamz...and God bless
2/07/2004 03:17:00 ip.
perjantaina, helmikuuta 06, 2004
i finally had a nite WITHOUT dreams of person A...wad a relief...came to school...then i talked to huda and ainin fer awhile...i went to look at the councillors to see if they were on duty...and so far so good never see that fella...then we had our flag raising...and we went to do our checkin on the ppl at the stairs but they were not there...gosh...
so went fer class...sayang, when you passed you looked so bad mood...lighten up ya...so we went fer PE and i was counter fer Pillai...and then we went back to class and had this huge argument wif mr tan...as a class lar...well...aft that recess...and i went to change...so sayang...u tease me again...u finally getting the hang of things rite...esp the hang of capturing my attention and my heart...ahakz...i feel so sorry fer you...yup, if i could, i'd run the entire 2.4 wif you...if not, be your counter...or at least, be there to cheer you on....i just wish...
well...went fer recess...thats when i saw A...Nooooo! cannot...he was gazing at me...that was bad...the ppl there kena scold wif master...the ppl whu not on duty of course lar when they supposed to...nvm...we'll get that sorted in time...then we went fer class again...and then ABRSM...and then we went fer meeting...masters were there, which reminds me that he owes me 20 push ups...fer not doing, failing to complete and also fer not handing in the assignments i set him...gosh...so they settle best class and then i went up fer bio...
only me and shabeena turned up, so mrs lim cancelled it...yea...darn...so i went up and settled the white board, where mdm kamisah wrote wif permanent red ink...golly...and then we took soo long cleaning it before it was cleared and even then, it was faint pinkish sortish colour...the i went down and had my eng lesson wif ranjani...she dieded...really...
sayang, if it weren't fer you...i dunno what i would do...esp since person A freaks me out so much...but you remind me that i can overcome my fear...thank you lots...muakz...ciao
2/06/2004 10:01:00 ap.
torstaina, helmikuuta 05, 2004
this is getting reaally freaky...i dreamt of person A...AGAIN...and he was stalking me in my dream...AGAIN....and i woke up in cold sweat...AGAIN....wads the deal with these dreamz...i know i'm afraid of him...but surely not when he is far away...and does not know where i live...and it shouldn't carry on into my dreamz ritez...or is it....does he know where i live...is he really far away...questions, questions...running thru my head...i had dreams that were premonitions before...but they never repeated themselves like in this case...and never have i dreamt abt one particular person over and over...all i can say on my part is that i dunno what is goin on...and its makin me press the panic button even if i see him frm a distance...and i want to run away...every single time...why...not just abt the dream...but why am i afraid of the person...
today i did NOT see person A come to school...and then i rejoiced....but my heart fell when i was doin rounds n i saw the fella emerge frm the HDB block...goodness...so i walk supersuper fast to get away...ni did get away woohoo!!
anyway, i saw sayang today...and i know you are taller then me...i jsut can't believe it...gosh...so well we had this checkin thingie goin abt...and then i had class...and then we had tests...SS and also Physics CT...err...then we had our maths peer tutoring...had no tutorial wif Eric...but then i have a new student to handle fer English which brings my total up to 5...then i have tutorial wif Yong Ying and Ranjani tml...
Jae was sick todae...wif head ache...it scares me to see my frens like this really...Jae got head ache and Ranjani got her asthma...i accompanied Jae down and got her excuse slip signed...and she went home and then HOPEFULLY to the doc's....haiyor...
sayang...you were really sweet to me today....you answered me in the canteen really sweetly...and you teased me again....and u did NOT mess up my hair...thanks sayang...love your teasing you attention seeking cutie...
we had a meeting today....abt minutes....i hate minutes...though i don't do them so often...i pity poor OKE...do so many...so i spent the time in the councillors room on the sofa..lying down...and listening to music instead of everythin else...nottinotti...but i did listen to most of what he said bcos he repeated so yea...i guess i not so notti aft all...
i have to set a diagnostic test for my students now...ciao
RED ALERT...PANIC BUTTON...WARNING...DANGER
2/05/2004 09:19:00 ap.
keskiviikkona, helmikuuta 04, 2004
goodness...to think i have nightmare abt
person A everyday...*shiver*...anyway this person A is the one i fear...very badly...he is also the one i dream of every nite...*trembling*...and i mean bad dreams...really bad until i can wake up in cold sweat...i keep on dreamin he is stalking me...and that he is abt to do something bad to me...and i try to escape, but he's always there...sayang, make it go away...i beg you
so this person i like...in other words sayang is really taller than me...i really dun belive lar...but to make you happy, i said yes...and according to records you really ARE taller...my, my...well, its not embarrasing then bcos you are a guy, sayang...and i'm a girl, so its not too bad aft all...
had school...and lessons...and S.P.A...and then went fer o level music...20the century music is actualy quite nice...if you consider impressionism..expressionism, well...no comments...i lurve our lessons...we really laugh like mad...esp with chester and chang yong...chang yong's tone row was really funny...anyhow whack one...haiyor...all of us did osso...mrs chua was like...fill in the blanks...then we did...and then the speech music was crapz osso lar..so funny...zoe was like, like american idol....i agree, i agree...
that horrible eng student of mine gave me sooo much impossible hw to do...TRIGO...even OKE is not a trigo person...crapz
nvm...i shall take my revenge now to set him some WS...if i finish his work first...argh...ciao
2/04/2004 10:39:00 ap.
tiistaina, helmikuuta 03, 2004
went to school fer awhile then i had to go fer an appointment...took sooo loong
i went in then the doc ask so many questions...and then knock here and knock there...haiyor...then told me i had to go fer x ray....more waiting...and more waiting...and even more waiting...and they finally called my name...and then they told me to change into a robe...without any clothes on...goodness..i got the shock of my life...and so i just follow instructions...and they twist my body this way and that...finally got out and put on ALL my clothes on...what a relief...
so i have to go fer physio...and i have some medication...and after purchasing it i went back to school fer band...reached just on time...and then we had like a break and i went to meet eric...
i couldnt bring my self to recite the identities in front of Alvin...ALVIN YOU HAVE A HORRIBLY INTENSE GAZE THAT I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO MEET...so with him staring it made me more nervous...but i still got them right...master, i beg u, dun torture me lar...i really tried all the sums you gave meto prove but i can only seriously solve one...pls master pity me...*gets down on her knees and cries*
i gotta settle the horrendous work you gave me...ciao
2/03/2004 11:10:00 ap.
maanantaina, helmikuuta 02, 2004
had an okay day...went to auntie faridah house fer ari raye aji...then we went togethergether to auntie kamsinah house...haha...so fun...
my dearie cuzzins got this thing abt my hair...they just lurve to tug and pull and tie it...and i got my hair tugged and pulled and tied by nurul and adaweya today...saw denden and bro and sis for the first time in ages...surprise surprise...denden is sooo bignow...and so is his sis tete and iman...i must saw i am surprised iman is the second sibling...he looks so mature...and kinda cute as well....
i'm stuffed wif nasi briyani...goodness...eat and eat...
i got and appointment tml...with the bone specialist...and the person's gonna check my back...scary...i dun wan!!!...i wan to go to school...and im doin just tat...jus that i must leave at 9.30 to go fer apt bcos its in the mornin...darn...oh wel...maybe i can get rid of my back aches...
sigh...i'm thinking abt sumthings...am i pretending its okay...its not abt HIM...its abt sumone else...am i really okay?...or this is a false front i present to myself...i truly dunno...sayang make all this go away...please...
2/02/2004 12:36:00 ip.
sunnuntai, helmikuuta 01, 2004
had band yesterdae...mr chew and mr masri both din come so we had some sectionals wif the juniors...haiyor...so many din come...so i had to tear myself into 2 to take sectionals wif the juniors and also wif the seniors...goodness...so anyway, i had fateen look after the juniors first n i went up wif the seniors to look at movie adventures...then a few moments n many scoldings later fateen came along, sed she needs me bcos the junirs could not play...so i went down and left fadzly in charge...and i found zaki taking my juniors...argh...he did everything wrong, no wonder my juniors couldnt play...so i told him it was ridiculous and took them out fer sectionals...and they could play in jus 15 minutes...dun eva corrupt my precious juniors, they are my sections future...
so well...aft that annoying exp, jon ran down to tell me fadzly couldn't cope...goodness...but i continued wif the nu ones...then we went in and i and sin ee had a break...well...i saw imah...i'm so sorry for her...i know how it feels like ever since that incident...when there are probs wif family, it really hits hard on your heart...gosh...i wish everything was okay for her...
then we went back up...and went for sectionalz...wif our instruments...and it was HOT....but thats ezactly how i like my foot drill sessions...we did the mace length dressing...i prefer it that way bcos its more uniform...and more COOl...bcos i dun have to bother abt the agaration part...i do it well, but not others, so when the drum major does it fer us, its better...looks better as well...i saw that person, in other words, wc...oh no...i'm terrified of the fella...so i keep far, far away...i dun dare to tell him to get out of the canteen during recess either...unless he's lingering too long...shiver..
so well came home and had a nap...then had tuition wif master...my, the lesson for compo was intense...but thats just how it is...i've no other way to teach it...then i got lots and lots of hw for maths...oh no...i want to cry...we studied from 5 to abt 7...gosh...it was loooong...but helpful...and i still have lots more to teach...and to learn....i duno how long its gonna take...
aft tat went to pick kalle up frm school...his performance at Coral...yup...then came home...
so today is ari raye haji...yayyy!...anyway, so tade we are goin to watch kalle perform again...yup...cool...
aha...sayang, you've been teasing me lately...and being sweet....ahakz...so sweet....anyway, i hope you have a great rest frm school...sweet dreamz
selamat ari raye haji to all my fwens...
2/01/2004 03:21:00 ap.